well, the due date is only 5 weeks off.
previously, i had been scared witless of labor. freaking out about every little aspect of it, in fact. i mean- pushing something as big as a baby out of the one orifice in my body i treat like a temple, worried that it might ruin me, as well as kill me. not to mention, the actual pain. i've always been into pain, but not this kind.
so what did i do? i read about it. i've read every little thing there is about the process, the steps and procedures, the final outcome, etc. i've created a birth plan now. my honey is aware he is to bring the music, that i want something i can sing to so i can focus on that. i've picked out a picture of my grandmother and grandfather standing with me at age 4 to take as a focus picture as well. when i thought about what i wanted, i knew i had to have something of my grandfather's there with me. he raised me every summer, taught me to read, write and love life. i want him to watch over me as we bring our son into the world. tho, is truly saddens me that he won't meet our little man. i'd always hoped he would be around to teach my son the meaning of gambling and having fun. still- there in spirit...
so 5 weeks. it seems almost no time at all, but the longest 5 weeks ever as well. i'm excited. i'm scared. i'm nervous. i keep praying our lil boy will be healthy and happy. that he will know how much we love him. but mostly just healthy. lol. lots to worry about since i was on meds and such when he was conceived. nothing to be done about it now, but hope and pray. (tho i dont put much stock in praying these days)
so ya- worries upon worries. extreme amounts of nervousness. doesn't help that all my dreams are like apocalyptic! i can only put my faith in the good nutrition i've kept since finding out, the regular dr visits that say we're healthy and the support of our families that have been unwavering. that and the 300 articles i've read on the subject matter! getting down to the line and staring hard at the finish....
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
a baby shower to remember
My sister threw one hell of a baby shower. Dr seuss theme, kick ass games and people i love. Here's the pics! my mother and soon to be mother in law even posed. my sister created hand made cupcakes. the table was set totally rad. and we even got a pic of me, my mother, my aunt and my grandma. With Marcus in my tummy, that's 4 generations in that picture :) these are the things that remind me i'm loved. i couldn't have asked for more.
Friday, November 6, 2009
le sigh
Again, took too long to write, however i find myself very out of sorts lately.
I procrastinated so long on getting my shower invitations out, that i actually woke up one morning panicking about it. Now THAT'S serious procrastination. I finally got them printed and sent. Now i just have to hope everyone likes them. Seeing as how i was the one that designed them. when i sent the proof to my mother, however, she blatantly told me it was bad. She stated i needed to create something more 'conventional' and that the poem i wrote for them begged the question as to whether i was married before prego. The last two lines are 'as we ponder which came first, the oven or the bun!' I thought i was making a cute reference to the eternal joke about which came first, the chicken or the egg. She thought our son would look back on it and be ashamed because i was pointing out he's being born a technical bastard.
This kinda bothered me, but it bothered the fiance a lot more. He feels that if she jumped to that conclusion, then maybe that's how she feels about our child. doesn't matter that we are engaged to get married after the kiddo arrives. Or that mom even approved of our idea (as i get state insurance while being unwed and preggers). i think she's just being overprotective. that she's worried someone else might see it that way and what they might think of me for making a joke about it. still. put a serious damper on how i felt about my great creation. guess i'll get the feedback once my lovely artistic friends receive them and give me their opinions.
on the other side of my depression- i got the verdict from my dr about whether or not to breast feed. Its a no go. two reasons. I have horrible eczema, which has even cracked the skin of my nipples to the point that they stick to the inside of any shirt/bra i wear and constantly hurt. second reason, if i breast feed, i can't go back on my meds during postpartum... i didn't realize it till my sister said something, but i'm going to be under a microscope during that time. i guess everyone is worried i will sink into the horrible postpartum depression and self destruct or something. so as a result. i'm afraid to even talk about my fears or the worries i have about my pregnancy. i talked to my aunt when i went to visit and frankly, its already come back to bite me in the ass. i told her about feeling kinda trapped, as when we found out i was pregnant, i was already 15 weeks in. no going back. that it sometimes felt hard, since i hadn't wanted kids originally. However, i never meant to imply that i don't want my child. maternal instinct takes over once the deed is done and i'm fiercly protective of this child. i thought verbalizing my fear and initial frustration would make me feel better, but instead i just feel more under the microscope. now i know that my mother will be staying with us after the baby is born and i'm scared to death she will judge me. that's a fear i've always had with my mother tho. now it's not just judging me, but me as a mother.
i'm depressed that i can't breast feed. its such a simple and giving thing to be able to do for your child. to provide sustenance, love, bonding and warmth... i feel like a little of a failure. like not only am i unfit mentally, but apparently physically as well. its not fair. my entire body is covered in a mesh of spots, cracked skin and itchy sores. as if this wasn't enough payment for my sins, now the basic gift of feeding my child is gone as well. the only up side to this, is i'll be able to take the meds for my skin as well as for my mental health. with the meds back in my system, i have less to worry about people freaking on my mental state.,...... but i can't shake the feeling of inadequacy.
outside of the breastfeeding thing, everything with the pregnancy is going great. he's huge, kicking like chuck norris and healthy to boot. now if i just didn't look like a freakin leper (and itch like one too), i'd be in heaven. i have to remind myself that i'm lucky to have a man that loves me, even the nasty ugly me i see in the mirror after every shower. i'm lucky he doesn't shy away from touching me, that he still wants me intimately and tells me i'm beautiful. even when i'm over reacting about something stupid and being emotional. heh.
still. i have so many worries about how we are going to make this work, how we will make it thru 2 weeks of my mother staying with us before the baby is born and how we will support our child there after. there is so much to do before the baby is here, around the house, putting in a bathtub and getting the nursery ready...i feel like i'm pushing too much too fast on the fiance and its scaring the shit out of him. but i feel like if i don't push, nothing will get done and we'll be left floundering. needless to say, we just weren't ready. but i have faith that we will Get ready. period. i have to keep thinking that way, or i'll just lose it.
and now back to playing the CSI video game on the xbox. its obsessive and detail oriented and totally fun to be the one finding clues. plays up to my OCD wonderfully. and takes my mind off of everything else. way to go xbox for making my life better, even if just a little. le sigh. heh
I procrastinated so long on getting my shower invitations out, that i actually woke up one morning panicking about it. Now THAT'S serious procrastination. I finally got them printed and sent. Now i just have to hope everyone likes them. Seeing as how i was the one that designed them. when i sent the proof to my mother, however, she blatantly told me it was bad. She stated i needed to create something more 'conventional' and that the poem i wrote for them begged the question as to whether i was married before prego. The last two lines are 'as we ponder which came first, the oven or the bun!' I thought i was making a cute reference to the eternal joke about which came first, the chicken or the egg. She thought our son would look back on it and be ashamed because i was pointing out he's being born a technical bastard.
This kinda bothered me, but it bothered the fiance a lot more. He feels that if she jumped to that conclusion, then maybe that's how she feels about our child. doesn't matter that we are engaged to get married after the kiddo arrives. Or that mom even approved of our idea (as i get state insurance while being unwed and preggers). i think she's just being overprotective. that she's worried someone else might see it that way and what they might think of me for making a joke about it. still. put a serious damper on how i felt about my great creation. guess i'll get the feedback once my lovely artistic friends receive them and give me their opinions.
on the other side of my depression- i got the verdict from my dr about whether or not to breast feed. Its a no go. two reasons. I have horrible eczema, which has even cracked the skin of my nipples to the point that they stick to the inside of any shirt/bra i wear and constantly hurt. second reason, if i breast feed, i can't go back on my meds during postpartum... i didn't realize it till my sister said something, but i'm going to be under a microscope during that time. i guess everyone is worried i will sink into the horrible postpartum depression and self destruct or something. so as a result. i'm afraid to even talk about my fears or the worries i have about my pregnancy. i talked to my aunt when i went to visit and frankly, its already come back to bite me in the ass. i told her about feeling kinda trapped, as when we found out i was pregnant, i was already 15 weeks in. no going back. that it sometimes felt hard, since i hadn't wanted kids originally. However, i never meant to imply that i don't want my child. maternal instinct takes over once the deed is done and i'm fiercly protective of this child. i thought verbalizing my fear and initial frustration would make me feel better, but instead i just feel more under the microscope. now i know that my mother will be staying with us after the baby is born and i'm scared to death she will judge me. that's a fear i've always had with my mother tho. now it's not just judging me, but me as a mother.
i'm depressed that i can't breast feed. its such a simple and giving thing to be able to do for your child. to provide sustenance, love, bonding and warmth... i feel like a little of a failure. like not only am i unfit mentally, but apparently physically as well. its not fair. my entire body is covered in a mesh of spots, cracked skin and itchy sores. as if this wasn't enough payment for my sins, now the basic gift of feeding my child is gone as well. the only up side to this, is i'll be able to take the meds for my skin as well as for my mental health. with the meds back in my system, i have less to worry about people freaking on my mental state.,...... but i can't shake the feeling of inadequacy.
outside of the breastfeeding thing, everything with the pregnancy is going great. he's huge, kicking like chuck norris and healthy to boot. now if i just didn't look like a freakin leper (and itch like one too), i'd be in heaven. i have to remind myself that i'm lucky to have a man that loves me, even the nasty ugly me i see in the mirror after every shower. i'm lucky he doesn't shy away from touching me, that he still wants me intimately and tells me i'm beautiful. even when i'm over reacting about something stupid and being emotional. heh.
still. i have so many worries about how we are going to make this work, how we will make it thru 2 weeks of my mother staying with us before the baby is born and how we will support our child there after. there is so much to do before the baby is here, around the house, putting in a bathtub and getting the nursery ready...i feel like i'm pushing too much too fast on the fiance and its scaring the shit out of him. but i feel like if i don't push, nothing will get done and we'll be left floundering. needless to say, we just weren't ready. but i have faith that we will Get ready. period. i have to keep thinking that way, or i'll just lose it.
and now back to playing the CSI video game on the xbox. its obsessive and detail oriented and totally fun to be the one finding clues. plays up to my OCD wonderfully. and takes my mind off of everything else. way to go xbox for making my life better, even if just a little. le sigh. heh
Thursday, October 15, 2009
sometimes i wonder
Well its been a while, once again. i think it has come down to an actual avoidance of writing. if i write i have to think...
I also realize i dont have many readers. this is actually comforting in times like this, times i have things on my mind, rotting in the back, that are darker than i'd like to admit, or even disclose. however i have no way of exercising the demons with out writing. that was the point of starting a blog... ha. at least for me.
Basically i am looking at myself right now and wondering is this ok? i am...pregnant, engaged, happy... but nothing. is it ok to bring a child into a world i disliked for so long? i've never been a happy go lucky person, depressed and depressing since i can remember. over the last 5 years i've made a serious and concious effort to find happiness in myself. i wrote once that getting help was just that and didn't change who you are. i got help, talked to a nice therapist, did the time with myself and making myself concentrate on the good. i faltered, regressed, even broke down sometimes, but over time it became second nature to always put that formost in my mind. No one can make you happy, except yourself.
so i am still me. but now i'm bringing a child into the world. the most simple and yet most complex thing i've ever done. so easy to get pregnant. hell i didn't know till i was almost 16 weeks. but in changing so much, in evaluating myself from the stand point of potential parent; i'm not sure i like what i see. i still struggle to give a shit about the world a lot of the time. this has given me a focal point. it's easy to get lost in the rush of happiness that you get from the attention, the child moving, the decorating of the nursery. it's easy to just sit back and prep with out thinking into the future of this kid. but, am i the type of person that can be a loving mother? i am standoffish unless i know you Really well. i dont trust, i'm cynical, a total procrastinater.. i was a wild child to the point of putting myself in danger constantly.. i often think its a miracle i survived unscathed... does someone like that have the right to tell a kid what's ok? i learned everything i know the hard way, but does it make it right?
i used to say i didn't want kids because i didn't like the world i'd have to bring them up in. i worry about this now. keeping up with politics, social trends and media, i've seen the things our world is capable of. its not just the worries i would have about a kid of my own genes being out in the world of sex, drugs and rock n roll. no i also have to worry about the world and their evils. I worry that my child won't have health care because his mother never finished college. i worry that if my child ends up being gay, he will have to watch over his shoulder at all times in fear of the rednecks and their bigotry. i worry that my child might not have the chance to really live his dream because he's coming from a less than blue blooded republican home.
these are the things that give me the nightmares. when i myself am so conflicted, how can i love a world that i felt didn't love me? how can i let a child experience the same unhappiness and doubt and fear and ridicule i did? school was hell, being in my own head was hell... i had family that loved me, but didn't understand me. still i only have two people that have a true glimpse inside the darkness of my mind. and even they dont see the worst, the parts i dont even reveal for them. at this stage in the game, there is no turning back; but i'm so scared, i can't even verbalize my fears.
i guess this is where you are supposed to forget about yourself, your own conflicts and problems, and paste on the smile to enjoy life with the lil one. its no longer about you. its about the kid. its about what they need. and they need a parent that is whole, unfailing and loving in every aspect. my child will never know the darkness inside. only the love i have for him, the love i have for his father and my will to make his life whole and beautiful. this is where i turn my back on my self.
and maybe in the process i can pull myself out of this stupid depression, get started cleaning the house and moving shit around for the nursery. i said i was a procrastinator. sometimes i wonder if i am worthy of all of this. or if i have anything in me to give. guess we'll find out in two months.
I also realize i dont have many readers. this is actually comforting in times like this, times i have things on my mind, rotting in the back, that are darker than i'd like to admit, or even disclose. however i have no way of exercising the demons with out writing. that was the point of starting a blog... ha. at least for me.
Basically i am looking at myself right now and wondering is this ok? i am...pregnant, engaged, happy... but nothing. is it ok to bring a child into a world i disliked for so long? i've never been a happy go lucky person, depressed and depressing since i can remember. over the last 5 years i've made a serious and concious effort to find happiness in myself. i wrote once that getting help was just that and didn't change who you are. i got help, talked to a nice therapist, did the time with myself and making myself concentrate on the good. i faltered, regressed, even broke down sometimes, but over time it became second nature to always put that formost in my mind. No one can make you happy, except yourself.
so i am still me. but now i'm bringing a child into the world. the most simple and yet most complex thing i've ever done. so easy to get pregnant. hell i didn't know till i was almost 16 weeks. but in changing so much, in evaluating myself from the stand point of potential parent; i'm not sure i like what i see. i still struggle to give a shit about the world a lot of the time. this has given me a focal point. it's easy to get lost in the rush of happiness that you get from the attention, the child moving, the decorating of the nursery. it's easy to just sit back and prep with out thinking into the future of this kid. but, am i the type of person that can be a loving mother? i am standoffish unless i know you Really well. i dont trust, i'm cynical, a total procrastinater.. i was a wild child to the point of putting myself in danger constantly.. i often think its a miracle i survived unscathed... does someone like that have the right to tell a kid what's ok? i learned everything i know the hard way, but does it make it right?
i used to say i didn't want kids because i didn't like the world i'd have to bring them up in. i worry about this now. keeping up with politics, social trends and media, i've seen the things our world is capable of. its not just the worries i would have about a kid of my own genes being out in the world of sex, drugs and rock n roll. no i also have to worry about the world and their evils. I worry that my child won't have health care because his mother never finished college. i worry that if my child ends up being gay, he will have to watch over his shoulder at all times in fear of the rednecks and their bigotry. i worry that my child might not have the chance to really live his dream because he's coming from a less than blue blooded republican home.
these are the things that give me the nightmares. when i myself am so conflicted, how can i love a world that i felt didn't love me? how can i let a child experience the same unhappiness and doubt and fear and ridicule i did? school was hell, being in my own head was hell... i had family that loved me, but didn't understand me. still i only have two people that have a true glimpse inside the darkness of my mind. and even they dont see the worst, the parts i dont even reveal for them. at this stage in the game, there is no turning back; but i'm so scared, i can't even verbalize my fears.
i guess this is where you are supposed to forget about yourself, your own conflicts and problems, and paste on the smile to enjoy life with the lil one. its no longer about you. its about the kid. its about what they need. and they need a parent that is whole, unfailing and loving in every aspect. my child will never know the darkness inside. only the love i have for him, the love i have for his father and my will to make his life whole and beautiful. this is where i turn my back on my self.
and maybe in the process i can pull myself out of this stupid depression, get started cleaning the house and moving shit around for the nursery. i said i was a procrastinator. sometimes i wonder if i am worthy of all of this. or if i have anything in me to give. guess we'll find out in two months.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
holy time warp batman!
um. i hadn't realized it has almost been a month since i checked in.
SO! today we have pics. its all baby firsts :D
Here's baby's first cat in the hat toy for the nursery and also the first outfit. both courtesy of my mother. She has been very active in talking to me about the kiddo and making sure i'm eating enough and etc etc. :) Its been wonderful to bond with her this way. i'm looking forward to the holidays when she and dad are here.
But- with that being said, i'm also getting kinda worried about time just flying and the nursery not getting done. I can't really lift any of the furniture in that room currently because its chinese antique black lacquer. Its heavy and has sharp metal corners. Spells DANGER for a klutz like me lol. SO- i'm hoping that maybe with the Man's bro in town this week, we can bribe him into a lil manual labor lol. ^_^
well i'm in my 24th week. and strangely enough, i all of a sudden look very pregnant. heh. my mother is worried that since i wasn't hungry a lot, i wasn't gaining enough weight. so i stepped up my fruits and vegi intake to try and make up calories in a healthy way. lots of smoothies and cucumber sticks later- i'm just fine. but i feel stuffed all the time. guess i should just stop complaining and enjoy the one time ur allowed to be chubby :) that's the moral here. hah. outside of the weight issue, i'm just very irritable lately. like all the time. kinda demanding. and its really pressing on mr man. i feel bad, but at the same time, i'm taking the whole prego thing so very seriously, i want him to as well. on the other hand, i'm being petty and its the hormones. where do the hormones end and the shitty attitude begin? i have NO idea. but i need to get one before i drive him batty.
so i'm wearing my engagement ring around my neck. why? because my fat lil fingers are retaining so much water, i can't wear it on my finger, lol. ya i'm for real. I never thot i'd have one in the first place, but now that i do, i can't even wear the damn thing. its kinda confusing and annoying all at the same time. What is the freaking deal with the ring? i've noticed its like infused into girls that we have to try to get the biggest rock to be happy. because we know other's will look and judge us mysteriously by the ring? it seems so! however. unless the thing is an heirloom, i can't see getting all that freaky about the ring. i love rings. lots of them. not just a few lol. then again. i'm not exactly traditional in any meaning of the word. in fact, i'm missing my blue hair totally. they say you can't dye ur hair when ur prego, so this is totally pissing me off. omg. it would be so fun to just have blue front streaks! or just have a few in the sides, and get my hair cut again. but blue toe nails and black french tips on my hands will have to do. heh
have i mentioned i'm all sorts of hormonal? ya. its true. i gave no credit to this kind of thing till now. holy hell. you can be happy in the clouds one sec and BOOM. head spinning around vomiting fire the next! about some issues that shouldn't matter. but somehow, those last wheat thins that would have been perfect for the last of the port wine cheese ball really mean something to me. enough to pout for. ?!?!?!?!?!??!? wtf is that? really??? i guess so. this instinct to protect my fav foods and really dig black yoga pants and sports bras; to curl up holding the covers for dear life and snap anytime i'm pushed..... its HORMONES. i blame them because i've never been so unpredictable to even myself since i was a teen on lots and lots and lots of drugs. ya. still. at least i'm sane and not seeing/hearing things. that's all that matters :) so long as its emotionally based and not manifesting into reality, i'm a happy girl.
but i digress
women can really be pushed to the edge by just the chemicals their own bodies produce. i was freaking curious to why this was till i realized my urges brought on by the hormones were all primal ones to protect what i have growing inside. food, nesting, overprotectiveness. in defense of the thing inside. now is it fair? No! totally not! lol you can't even really control it, so its natural. i dont really know how to handle it. i've never thot about it. i dont know what to say. and what's odder is when i think about it, if this hadn't just 'happened', i'd still be dead set on not having kids. i'm scared to death. now i just have to figure out why. because i won't be a good parent? because of the all the shit you have to do/give up for a kid? because of the responsibility in taking another lil life and shaping it as a parent? holy hell! do i need that??? should i even be the one to do this? there are plenty of people that would say nuh nuh... not at all. some have toldme they know i'll be a great mom. i'll be a 'cool mom'. i have to aim for that. otherwise i feel destined to fail. then i feel marcus kick. and i'm like wow. just freaking wow.
so time is passing fast. i have taken on the responsibility of making the invitations to my baby shower. i'll be designing them on a dr seuss theme. weeeee. 4 years of school didn't go to total waste. I'll be posting that of course. :D Catch me here again
Same bat time
Same bat channel.
SO! today we have pics. its all baby firsts :D
Here's baby's first cat in the hat toy for the nursery and also the first outfit. both courtesy of my mother. She has been very active in talking to me about the kiddo and making sure i'm eating enough and etc etc. :) Its been wonderful to bond with her this way. i'm looking forward to the holidays when she and dad are here.But- with that being said, i'm also getting kinda worried about time just flying and the nursery not getting done. I can't really lift any of the furniture in that room currently because its chinese antique black lacquer. Its heavy and has sharp metal corners. Spells DANGER for a klutz like me lol. SO- i'm hoping that maybe with the Man's bro in town this week, we can bribe him into a lil manual labor lol. ^_^
well i'm in my 24th week. and strangely enough, i all of a sudden look very pregnant. heh. my mother is worried that since i wasn't hungry a lot, i wasn't gaining enough weight. so i stepped up my fruits and vegi intake to try and make up calories in a healthy way. lots of smoothies and cucumber sticks later- i'm just fine. but i feel stuffed all the time. guess i should just stop complaining and enjoy the one time ur allowed to be chubby :) that's the moral here. hah. outside of the weight issue, i'm just very irritable lately. like all the time. kinda demanding. and its really pressing on mr man. i feel bad, but at the same time, i'm taking the whole prego thing so very seriously, i want him to as well. on the other hand, i'm being petty and its the hormones. where do the hormones end and the shitty attitude begin? i have NO idea. but i need to get one before i drive him batty.
so i'm wearing my engagement ring around my neck. why? because my fat lil fingers are retaining so much water, i can't wear it on my finger, lol. ya i'm for real. I never thot i'd have one in the first place, but now that i do, i can't even wear the damn thing. its kinda confusing and annoying all at the same time. What is the freaking deal with the ring? i've noticed its like infused into girls that we have to try to get the biggest rock to be happy. because we know other's will look and judge us mysteriously by the ring? it seems so! however. unless the thing is an heirloom, i can't see getting all that freaky about the ring. i love rings. lots of them. not just a few lol. then again. i'm not exactly traditional in any meaning of the word. in fact, i'm missing my blue hair totally. they say you can't dye ur hair when ur prego, so this is totally pissing me off. omg. it would be so fun to just have blue front streaks! or just have a few in the sides, and get my hair cut again. but blue toe nails and black french tips on my hands will have to do. heh
have i mentioned i'm all sorts of hormonal? ya. its true. i gave no credit to this kind of thing till now. holy hell. you can be happy in the clouds one sec and BOOM. head spinning around vomiting fire the next! about some issues that shouldn't matter. but somehow, those last wheat thins that would have been perfect for the last of the port wine cheese ball really mean something to me. enough to pout for. ?!?!?!?!?!??!? wtf is that? really??? i guess so. this instinct to protect my fav foods and really dig black yoga pants and sports bras; to curl up holding the covers for dear life and snap anytime i'm pushed..... its HORMONES. i blame them because i've never been so unpredictable to even myself since i was a teen on lots and lots and lots of drugs. ya. still. at least i'm sane and not seeing/hearing things. that's all that matters :) so long as its emotionally based and not manifesting into reality, i'm a happy girl.
but i digress
women can really be pushed to the edge by just the chemicals their own bodies produce. i was freaking curious to why this was till i realized my urges brought on by the hormones were all primal ones to protect what i have growing inside. food, nesting, overprotectiveness. in defense of the thing inside. now is it fair? No! totally not! lol you can't even really control it, so its natural. i dont really know how to handle it. i've never thot about it. i dont know what to say. and what's odder is when i think about it, if this hadn't just 'happened', i'd still be dead set on not having kids. i'm scared to death. now i just have to figure out why. because i won't be a good parent? because of the all the shit you have to do/give up for a kid? because of the responsibility in taking another lil life and shaping it as a parent? holy hell! do i need that??? should i even be the one to do this? there are plenty of people that would say nuh nuh... not at all. some have toldme they know i'll be a great mom. i'll be a 'cool mom'. i have to aim for that. otherwise i feel destined to fail. then i feel marcus kick. and i'm like wow. just freaking wow.
so time is passing fast. i have taken on the responsibility of making the invitations to my baby shower. i'll be designing them on a dr seuss theme. weeeee. 4 years of school didn't go to total waste. I'll be posting that of course. :D Catch me here again
Same bat time
Same bat channel.
Monday, August 31, 2009
and the clock keeps ticking
its been a while since i last wrote. lots of lil updates.
first off, i'm now at 21 weeks. i have a hard poochi belly that contains my unborn, soccer star son. :) he's all about kicking me. really. and i've been informed that heart burn indicates a full head of hair, so our kid should have a freaking afro. hahah.
so i've now talked to even my grandma about the baby. she was actually pissed at me that she wasn't the second person to know! my religious grandmother is thrilled that i'm pregnant and happy. i couldn't have gotten better news :) she was asking me about things i needed. and i realized. i had never thought about stuff like this?!
i was never the little girl to dream of a big house, lots of kids and etc etc... i was more a penthouse apt in the city type of dreamer :) however, did you know there is so much stuff you need?????
a high chair? is that required? and why are mom and grandma both offering to get one?
a carseat, but wait it has to match the car interior and become a carrier when you take it out.
a stroller.. shit i forgot about that one
a theme for the nursery and the baby shower...
now that last one. i actually have under control :) DR Seuss. its perfect. no pastels, totally wicked crazy rhyming, awesome toons and cool options to paint the walls. i'm putting toons on the walls. oh yes i am. :) the one fish,two fish; cat in the hat; green eggs and ham; star belly sneeches; etc... lots of stripes, black and white... red blue and yellow. fits us and a kiddo.
my sister is planning the baby shower. i've been just looking online for sources. like when do you hold a shower? who the hell am i inviting. i don't have a lot of girl friends.. only like 2 locally and 6 i talk to online. and they are spread out! all over the nation.. so uh.... guys don't do this kind of stuff. damn. lol
still every day, the clock keeps ticking and the kid gets bigger in my tummy. i feel him moving, i feel him rolling over at night. its so odd to feel so at peace and yet so freaked out at the same time. i never thot i'd be this person, but now that i am, i can't imagine not taking this jump, feeling these things. the clock keeps ticking and i'm looking forward to what it has in store..
first off, i'm now at 21 weeks. i have a hard poochi belly that contains my unborn, soccer star son. :) he's all about kicking me. really. and i've been informed that heart burn indicates a full head of hair, so our kid should have a freaking afro. hahah.
so i've now talked to even my grandma about the baby. she was actually pissed at me that she wasn't the second person to know! my religious grandmother is thrilled that i'm pregnant and happy. i couldn't have gotten better news :) she was asking me about things i needed. and i realized. i had never thought about stuff like this?!
i was never the little girl to dream of a big house, lots of kids and etc etc... i was more a penthouse apt in the city type of dreamer :) however, did you know there is so much stuff you need?????
a high chair? is that required? and why are mom and grandma both offering to get one?
a carseat, but wait it has to match the car interior and become a carrier when you take it out.
a stroller.. shit i forgot about that one
a theme for the nursery and the baby shower...
now that last one. i actually have under control :) DR Seuss. its perfect. no pastels, totally wicked crazy rhyming, awesome toons and cool options to paint the walls. i'm putting toons on the walls. oh yes i am. :) the one fish,two fish; cat in the hat; green eggs and ham; star belly sneeches; etc... lots of stripes, black and white... red blue and yellow. fits us and a kiddo.
my sister is planning the baby shower. i've been just looking online for sources. like when do you hold a shower? who the hell am i inviting. i don't have a lot of girl friends.. only like 2 locally and 6 i talk to online. and they are spread out! all over the nation.. so uh.... guys don't do this kind of stuff. damn. lol
still every day, the clock keeps ticking and the kid gets bigger in my tummy. i feel him moving, i feel him rolling over at night. its so odd to feel so at peace and yet so freaked out at the same time. i never thot i'd be this person, but now that i am, i can't imagine not taking this jump, feeling these things. the clock keeps ticking and i'm looking forward to what it has in store..
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Here's to great mothers!
HUGE UPDATE:
i finally got the balls to call my mom today. woke up and decided to call her before i got nervous about it.
so i call up, she asks what i'm up to, i ask if she's sitting down cuz i have some news. i tell her i'm pregnant. Total silence. then she asked how far along i am. i tell her and the conversation starts up. she was happy for me!
Seriously i was freaking for nothing. here i was thinking she would disown me, when in fact she was the most awesome, accepting mom. she was excited, looked at the ultrasound i emailed her, was asking about the name, really liked it as well. She wants me to go get some comfy clothes, and offered to come help with the house. Was askin if i had felt him kick yet or how i was feeling, giving me tips to keep my feet from swelling.... i cried. like a lil girl. at the acceptance of my mom. it meant so much to me. having her there with me during this time. its huge to me.
i wanted her by my side for all of this. her knowledge and support mean the world to me. now truly everyone knows and we can all be happy. all that is left is to be healthy, fix the nursery and love our baby. Today we discussed nutrition and excercise. everyday is actually bliss. well if i could just get my skin to chill the hell out. i'm uber sensitive to allergins right now, so anything sets me off.
but i digress... i'm happy. i realized last night, with out my meds, even itchy as hell and prego, every day is happy as hell for me. Jason and i are so very happy its not even funny. planning for the kiddo has been awesome. we know we're gonna be the 'cool' parents, the ones that go to the concerts with their early teen, and goes to art openings.. heh. the parents that look good in black and take our boy to the skate park... i dunno. i'm actually excited to be a mom and love a child as much as my mother loved me.
now everyone knows. my aunt that i call my second mom has already called to say she would be having lil marcus to her house soon as he was 3 or so, that she might be old but she's still cool. lol i'm so hapy. my family is happy, my grandmother is happy to see her first great grandbaby. My aunt is already askin if i need help decorating the baby's room and mom is offering to come stay with us and help me a lil.
life is good. now if lil marcus would stop kicking me in the bladder and kidney. lol at least he's an active lil bugger.
So, here's to hoping i'm a great mom and here's to my mom that has offered her support and love!
i finally got the balls to call my mom today. woke up and decided to call her before i got nervous about it.
so i call up, she asks what i'm up to, i ask if she's sitting down cuz i have some news. i tell her i'm pregnant. Total silence. then she asked how far along i am. i tell her and the conversation starts up. she was happy for me!
Seriously i was freaking for nothing. here i was thinking she would disown me, when in fact she was the most awesome, accepting mom. she was excited, looked at the ultrasound i emailed her, was asking about the name, really liked it as well. She wants me to go get some comfy clothes, and offered to come help with the house. Was askin if i had felt him kick yet or how i was feeling, giving me tips to keep my feet from swelling.... i cried. like a lil girl. at the acceptance of my mom. it meant so much to me. having her there with me during this time. its huge to me.
i wanted her by my side for all of this. her knowledge and support mean the world to me. now truly everyone knows and we can all be happy. all that is left is to be healthy, fix the nursery and love our baby. Today we discussed nutrition and excercise. everyday is actually bliss. well if i could just get my skin to chill the hell out. i'm uber sensitive to allergins right now, so anything sets me off.
but i digress... i'm happy. i realized last night, with out my meds, even itchy as hell and prego, every day is happy as hell for me. Jason and i are so very happy its not even funny. planning for the kiddo has been awesome. we know we're gonna be the 'cool' parents, the ones that go to the concerts with their early teen, and goes to art openings.. heh. the parents that look good in black and take our boy to the skate park... i dunno. i'm actually excited to be a mom and love a child as much as my mother loved me.
now everyone knows. my aunt that i call my second mom has already called to say she would be having lil marcus to her house soon as he was 3 or so, that she might be old but she's still cool. lol i'm so hapy. my family is happy, my grandmother is happy to see her first great grandbaby. My aunt is already askin if i need help decorating the baby's room and mom is offering to come stay with us and help me a lil.
life is good. now if lil marcus would stop kicking me in the bladder and kidney. lol at least he's an active lil bugger.
So, here's to hoping i'm a great mom and here's to my mom that has offered her support and love!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
huge realization....
Today was the second appointment with the Doc, and the ultrasound. SO!
as you can see, this is little Marcus Alexander, his head laying to the left, viewing him from the side, in fetal position, sucking his thumb. AAAAh! now, major revelation! I'm actually 19 weeks along already.
Holy mother, that means i was prego when i went to bonnaroo, when i went to texas, etc. due date has now been changed to January 15th 2010. and yes, we're sure its a boy, apparently his lil parts are already very visible. lol. the fiance swears the kiddo takes after him. uh huh ^_^
However, this was a big day. i think up till now it was just a thought. but when i saw the nurse push on my tummy, saw the movement on the screen and saw lil Marcus squirm in response, it was incredible. i instantly had tears in my eyes, cuz i finally knew, KNEW, that he was there, in my stomach. a healthy, 10 ounce baby growing at the right rate... in ME. me, the eternal evil bad girl, the 'i can do it harder and faster than you can' girl... all of a sudden i'm sitting there thinking about when he will be walking, then growing out his hair, should i have a brother or sister for him, who will he look like?.. so many things at once. it was suddenly very very real.
now i know, i should have taken this serious from the go, but to be honest, i just couldn't imagine anything close to this feeling. of knowing you have life growing in you. before the thought was one filled with terror for me. Now its something i can't imagine missing out on.
Now, there's still the problem of telling my mom. The fiance's job isn't on lock down yet and i'mn obviously not working either. we are getting state help (What? i'm not too proud to say that. welfare doesn't equal white trash >:P ) however, that's not the ideal conditions and my mother will have a freaking fit. in fact, i'd be more worried to tell her if i was still in the first trimester. She has influence over me that no person should. she can make me want to jump off a building at the drop of a hat. i'm actually kinda worried about what she will say/do. i mean ,this is the same woman that disowned me for almost 2 months over my Myspace page. ya.
I guess in all it doesn't matter. this was our decision and i wouldn't change it for the world. I'm surprisingly not showing too much for being at 19 weeks, then again i was fluffy to start. lol. either way, i'm so stoked, i can't even explain. Now that we know its a boy, tomorrow we're starting on the nursery. We've decided to stay far far away from pastels. Red, black and white with blue and yellow... apparently the first colors a baby can see are red and black. gee, could it be because its previous decore was nothing but? lol none the less, we're commited to have a kid, but not turning into the mush we've seen so many others liquify into. having a kiddo rock style.
now that's brutal ^_^
as you can see, this is little Marcus Alexander, his head laying to the left, viewing him from the side, in fetal position, sucking his thumb. AAAAh! now, major revelation! I'm actually 19 weeks along already.
Holy mother, that means i was prego when i went to bonnaroo, when i went to texas, etc. due date has now been changed to January 15th 2010. and yes, we're sure its a boy, apparently his lil parts are already very visible. lol. the fiance swears the kiddo takes after him. uh huh ^_^
However, this was a big day. i think up till now it was just a thought. but when i saw the nurse push on my tummy, saw the movement on the screen and saw lil Marcus squirm in response, it was incredible. i instantly had tears in my eyes, cuz i finally knew, KNEW, that he was there, in my stomach. a healthy, 10 ounce baby growing at the right rate... in ME. me, the eternal evil bad girl, the 'i can do it harder and faster than you can' girl... all of a sudden i'm sitting there thinking about when he will be walking, then growing out his hair, should i have a brother or sister for him, who will he look like?.. so many things at once. it was suddenly very very real.
now i know, i should have taken this serious from the go, but to be honest, i just couldn't imagine anything close to this feeling. of knowing you have life growing in you. before the thought was one filled with terror for me. Now its something i can't imagine missing out on.
Now, there's still the problem of telling my mom. The fiance's job isn't on lock down yet and i'mn obviously not working either. we are getting state help (What? i'm not too proud to say that. welfare doesn't equal white trash >:P ) however, that's not the ideal conditions and my mother will have a freaking fit. in fact, i'd be more worried to tell her if i was still in the first trimester. She has influence over me that no person should. she can make me want to jump off a building at the drop of a hat. i'm actually kinda worried about what she will say/do. i mean ,this is the same woman that disowned me for almost 2 months over my Myspace page. ya.
I guess in all it doesn't matter. this was our decision and i wouldn't change it for the world. I'm surprisingly not showing too much for being at 19 weeks, then again i was fluffy to start. lol. either way, i'm so stoked, i can't even explain. Now that we know its a boy, tomorrow we're starting on the nursery. We've decided to stay far far away from pastels. Red, black and white with blue and yellow... apparently the first colors a baby can see are red and black. gee, could it be because its previous decore was nothing but? lol none the less, we're commited to have a kid, but not turning into the mush we've seen so many others liquify into. having a kiddo rock style.
now that's brutal ^_^
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
first appointment
Alrighty! time for a lil update :)
today was my first ob/gyn appointment. My sister and her best friend (who i adore as well) came with me. we all met up, went in and then waited. OMG the wait! finally i go back with my sister and start the exam. afterwards the dr states that she thinks i'm further along than 8 months, judging from the size of my uterus. WOW. seriously. ok.
so, next wednesday we have our appointment for a ultrasound! hooray! i should be getting the first pic of the kiddo and a much more accurate due date. Seeing as how i was having morning sickness around july 13th on, i'm not even sure how far along i might be. however it brings a few worries to mind.
1- if i was pregnant longer than i thought, i was also on my meds while prego longer than i thought. this is bad. the dr was extremely happy that i had quit them as soon as i knew. everything i was on is Major bad for prego.
2- if i was pregnant longer, i may have been at bonnaroo in my first weeks. i only say this is bad due to the amount of .... 'hippy fun' i have once a year at this festival. bad bad bad. hopefully that early enough to not cause any prolonged damage.
ya, so now i have these small worries. all i can do is sit on my thumbs until next wednesday tho! rar! either way, i'm doing good on the quitting smoking. i'm down to 5 a day, sometimes 7. cold turkey doesn't really work on me, it leads to panic attacks, severe mood snaps and a need to kick something hard. lol but i'll give credit for having a reason to quit. its easier to cut back when i know i'm doing it for the bebe. that's all that matters really. :)
outside of that, i'm now debating when to tell my mother. I'm holding back telling my parents because they are very strict and also methodical. Right now, i'm getting unemployment and my boyfriend is looking for work. we were both laid off a while back. he should have a new job soon, but in the mean time, he already traded in his 06 350z for a 08 chevy HHR. its awesome! its like a updated herse! lol, specially since its black with limo tint on the windows.
however, i digress. because of the financial situation, when i told my mom i was engaged, she jumped down my throat, thrusting every negative thing on me. All as if i hadn't already thought about all these things. i didn't bother to continue the conversation and tell her i'm prego. i figure i'll wait till he's got the job for sure and then pick a day i feel really good. This is a decision in my life i can't let her drag me down for making. i know she will have a problem with it, so i might as well pick my time (thank you to my sister for that tidbit of advice :)
SO. no pics to show today, but will update again soon. i'm finding writing all my ideas down is great! Here's to life's changes!
today was my first ob/gyn appointment. My sister and her best friend (who i adore as well) came with me. we all met up, went in and then waited. OMG the wait! finally i go back with my sister and start the exam. afterwards the dr states that she thinks i'm further along than 8 months, judging from the size of my uterus. WOW. seriously. ok.
so, next wednesday we have our appointment for a ultrasound! hooray! i should be getting the first pic of the kiddo and a much more accurate due date. Seeing as how i was having morning sickness around july 13th on, i'm not even sure how far along i might be. however it brings a few worries to mind.
1- if i was pregnant longer than i thought, i was also on my meds while prego longer than i thought. this is bad. the dr was extremely happy that i had quit them as soon as i knew. everything i was on is Major bad for prego.
2- if i was pregnant longer, i may have been at bonnaroo in my first weeks. i only say this is bad due to the amount of .... 'hippy fun' i have once a year at this festival. bad bad bad. hopefully that early enough to not cause any prolonged damage.
ya, so now i have these small worries. all i can do is sit on my thumbs until next wednesday tho! rar! either way, i'm doing good on the quitting smoking. i'm down to 5 a day, sometimes 7. cold turkey doesn't really work on me, it leads to panic attacks, severe mood snaps and a need to kick something hard. lol but i'll give credit for having a reason to quit. its easier to cut back when i know i'm doing it for the bebe. that's all that matters really. :)
outside of that, i'm now debating when to tell my mother. I'm holding back telling my parents because they are very strict and also methodical. Right now, i'm getting unemployment and my boyfriend is looking for work. we were both laid off a while back. he should have a new job soon, but in the mean time, he already traded in his 06 350z for a 08 chevy HHR. its awesome! its like a updated herse! lol, specially since its black with limo tint on the windows.
however, i digress. because of the financial situation, when i told my mom i was engaged, she jumped down my throat, thrusting every negative thing on me. All as if i hadn't already thought about all these things. i didn't bother to continue the conversation and tell her i'm prego. i figure i'll wait till he's got the job for sure and then pick a day i feel really good. This is a decision in my life i can't let her drag me down for making. i know she will have a problem with it, so i might as well pick my time (thank you to my sister for that tidbit of advice :)
SO. no pics to show today, but will update again soon. i'm finding writing all my ideas down is great! Here's to life's changes!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
adjustments
I woke up at 8:30am this morning and have for the last week. I see this as becoming a regular thing, and as such can't get upset over it this early.
Part of becoming a mommy is doing what's right for the baby's health, not just yours anymore. For me, this is complicated as hell. I am diagnosed with Prolonged PTSD, Severe Depression and Severe Anxiety Disorder. Now, for all those things, i take a small list of drugs. Every single one of which i can't take for the next 9 months. Soon as i found out i was pregnant, i stopped taking them. This includes:
1 Anti-depression/anti-anxiety pill
2 Xannax
3 Valium
4 Neurontin
5 Tranquilizer
I am finding that with out my usual regimen of drugs, sleep is harder and harder to find. 6 hours if i'm lucky a night. my muscles spaz with out the neurontin, coming off the first pill meant hallucinations for 3 days, and not having a xannax or valium while i'm also quitting smoking... OMG i'm almost insane sometimes. i have to admit, this is one of the reasons i vowed to not have kids. god forbid i pass along my messed up head! However, it is not as bad as thought it might be.
In my head i imagined day two off the meds and my head spinning around 360 while fire belts from my mouth. controling the moodswings is probably the hardest part tho. i want to snap, but know its just me. i'm petulant, sometimes even childlike before i smack myself back into shape.
Now if this was all of it, i might be ok. BUT. i also have agressive eczema (meaning i have over 5 different kinds of eczema that i struggle with on a daily basis). I am no longer allowed to take the high strength allergy meds, no longer use the topical steriods or any other real medical treatments. Thus my hands have started to fall into ruin even with my ever present attempts of Shea butter healings. Bleach bath, here i come!
I'm only 8 weeks in, yet already i'm finding myself bitchy about these things. that's something i am just gonna have to get over, and get over it fast. its for the baby. i just keep repeating, its for the baby. i'm not sleeping, puking in the mornings and itchy as fuck for the baby... ya. :)
the only saving grace is i know when our child comes out healthy and happy, that i did my all to make sure it was that way. if there was something wrong with the kiddo, i would beat myself up the rest of my days for not going that extra mile for it. Kids are a one try system. Might as well get it right the first time, eh?
well the sick feeling is gone, so i'm headed to make some tuna salad. ya i dunno, i never liked it before, but it just sounds good now. Here's to adjusting for pregnancy!
Part of becoming a mommy is doing what's right for the baby's health, not just yours anymore. For me, this is complicated as hell. I am diagnosed with Prolonged PTSD, Severe Depression and Severe Anxiety Disorder. Now, for all those things, i take a small list of drugs. Every single one of which i can't take for the next 9 months. Soon as i found out i was pregnant, i stopped taking them. This includes:
1 Anti-depression/anti-anxiety pill
2 Xannax
3 Valium
4 Neurontin
5 Tranquilizer
I am finding that with out my usual regimen of drugs, sleep is harder and harder to find. 6 hours if i'm lucky a night. my muscles spaz with out the neurontin, coming off the first pill meant hallucinations for 3 days, and not having a xannax or valium while i'm also quitting smoking... OMG i'm almost insane sometimes. i have to admit, this is one of the reasons i vowed to not have kids. god forbid i pass along my messed up head! However, it is not as bad as thought it might be.
In my head i imagined day two off the meds and my head spinning around 360 while fire belts from my mouth. controling the moodswings is probably the hardest part tho. i want to snap, but know its just me. i'm petulant, sometimes even childlike before i smack myself back into shape.
Now if this was all of it, i might be ok. BUT. i also have agressive eczema (meaning i have over 5 different kinds of eczema that i struggle with on a daily basis). I am no longer allowed to take the high strength allergy meds, no longer use the topical steriods or any other real medical treatments. Thus my hands have started to fall into ruin even with my ever present attempts of Shea butter healings. Bleach bath, here i come!
I'm only 8 weeks in, yet already i'm finding myself bitchy about these things. that's something i am just gonna have to get over, and get over it fast. its for the baby. i just keep repeating, its for the baby. i'm not sleeping, puking in the mornings and itchy as fuck for the baby... ya. :)
the only saving grace is i know when our child comes out healthy and happy, that i did my all to make sure it was that way. if there was something wrong with the kiddo, i would beat myself up the rest of my days for not going that extra mile for it. Kids are a one try system. Might as well get it right the first time, eh?
well the sick feeling is gone, so i'm headed to make some tuna salad. ya i dunno, i never liked it before, but it just sounds good now. Here's to adjusting for pregnancy!
Friday, August 7, 2009
a whole new world
SO
i changed up my blog and such for the soul reason that i have some insane news!
the eternal single chick is getting hitched! and to boot, we have a lil one baking in my proverbial oven :) yep its true. all the depression in my last two posts, a lot had to do with the amount of hormones my body was creating. why? CUZ i'm prego!
sooo. here's the deal. I'm going to create this page as a way to express all the things i'm feeling, experiencing, thinking etc! while i'm pregnant. Even though this is a new passage in life, it doesn't change who i am, or the fact that i'm gonna be some kind of rocker/goth mom. my kid will have the cutest camo shorts and band t shirts around. :)
i've not made this fact well known yet in my life. There is some resistance from my side of the family and so i'm waiting for a better moment to tell them. However i go to the dr on wed and will be bringing home a lil pic to post for you guys.
just think, rad black and pink outfits, art projects when i'm too big to move and lots of interesting time to think about what the nursery will look like, the kid will look like and what all on earth we have to do to get ready.
i'll still be posting on every day stuff, but i really want this to be an adventure i can share ^_^ sound like fun? meh, then get in the spirit anyways!
i changed up my blog and such for the soul reason that i have some insane news!
the eternal single chick is getting hitched! and to boot, we have a lil one baking in my proverbial oven :) yep its true. all the depression in my last two posts, a lot had to do with the amount of hormones my body was creating. why? CUZ i'm prego!
sooo. here's the deal. I'm going to create this page as a way to express all the things i'm feeling, experiencing, thinking etc! while i'm pregnant. Even though this is a new passage in life, it doesn't change who i am, or the fact that i'm gonna be some kind of rocker/goth mom. my kid will have the cutest camo shorts and band t shirts around. :)
i've not made this fact well known yet in my life. There is some resistance from my side of the family and so i'm waiting for a better moment to tell them. However i go to the dr on wed and will be bringing home a lil pic to post for you guys.
just think, rad black and pink outfits, art projects when i'm too big to move and lots of interesting time to think about what the nursery will look like, the kid will look like and what all on earth we have to do to get ready.
i'll still be posting on every day stuff, but i really want this to be an adventure i can share ^_^ sound like fun? meh, then get in the spirit anyways!
Monday, July 27, 2009
perspective?
just took a trip. a long one at that.
went to texas for 18 days. i lived there for some almost 8 years. in a west texas town no less. the middle of no where. nothing but a college party town in the dessert of texas. that was where i graduated high school, attended college, did the most growing into who i am. partied my ass off, got into trouble but knew everyone that was of importance.
this time was different. usually i go back to tx for party days, letting loose and getting crazy. this time i went with my sister and stayed with my parents and brother. they have a nice ass house with a back yard pond, pool, hot tub, gardens.... it was endless fruit and sun at the house. i took the vacation as much needed time for the family. it had been a while. and during that time did a lot of soul searching. working on myself like i haven't in a long time. and it was about fucking time too. i had no way of even knowing how bad i needed to fix me up. shit. i was falling apart. in those 18 days i cleared my head, my stress melted away for a short time and i even got a tan. i swam till my heart was calm and slept in a down comforter until my body was rested. it made me realize something.
just what i had become. what i had gotten into the rythym of doing. all i was doing was going thru the motions of life. doing laundry, dishes, cleaning up the next morning, feeding the pets, making some lunch... that was it. looking for a job is in there between everything, but really. it was like a shadow of my former self. still is to some degree. i'm still in stasis somehow. still putting myself on hold. i will be taking better care of myself of course. its obvious my health fails when i dont. but i can't put movement on hold anymore. only my heart. i'm going looking for jobs, visiting my sister, doing the things that make me happy. the cooking and the cleaning will come as well. but hey, i have to be a selfish bitch sometimes.
is it really selfish? i mean, most chicks believe that doing the things for themselves, that only they benifit from are selfish, but i'm beginning to think a certain amount is neccessary. i know there is a line. it can't always be about ones self. however, never taking time out, never enjoying a few tunes, never painting your toes or sitting down to just not be on the computer. just being silent. or quietly enjoying the sunshine. things i forgot i loved. things that are just for me. i need those.
if anyone calls me a princess i'll fuckin punch their nose into their brain. if i must be labeled, i am a queen damnit! a queen of my own little world where i will always be special, even if in reality i'm just some low rent bitch. scary how life can be so contrasting..
..its all in perspective.
went to texas for 18 days. i lived there for some almost 8 years. in a west texas town no less. the middle of no where. nothing but a college party town in the dessert of texas. that was where i graduated high school, attended college, did the most growing into who i am. partied my ass off, got into trouble but knew everyone that was of importance.
this time was different. usually i go back to tx for party days, letting loose and getting crazy. this time i went with my sister and stayed with my parents and brother. they have a nice ass house with a back yard pond, pool, hot tub, gardens.... it was endless fruit and sun at the house. i took the vacation as much needed time for the family. it had been a while. and during that time did a lot of soul searching. working on myself like i haven't in a long time. and it was about fucking time too. i had no way of even knowing how bad i needed to fix me up. shit. i was falling apart. in those 18 days i cleared my head, my stress melted away for a short time and i even got a tan. i swam till my heart was calm and slept in a down comforter until my body was rested. it made me realize something.
just what i had become. what i had gotten into the rythym of doing. all i was doing was going thru the motions of life. doing laundry, dishes, cleaning up the next morning, feeding the pets, making some lunch... that was it. looking for a job is in there between everything, but really. it was like a shadow of my former self. still is to some degree. i'm still in stasis somehow. still putting myself on hold. i will be taking better care of myself of course. its obvious my health fails when i dont. but i can't put movement on hold anymore. only my heart. i'm going looking for jobs, visiting my sister, doing the things that make me happy. the cooking and the cleaning will come as well. but hey, i have to be a selfish bitch sometimes.
is it really selfish? i mean, most chicks believe that doing the things for themselves, that only they benifit from are selfish, but i'm beginning to think a certain amount is neccessary. i know there is a line. it can't always be about ones self. however, never taking time out, never enjoying a few tunes, never painting your toes or sitting down to just not be on the computer. just being silent. or quietly enjoying the sunshine. things i forgot i loved. things that are just for me. i need those.
if anyone calls me a princess i'll fuckin punch their nose into their brain. if i must be labeled, i am a queen damnit! a queen of my own little world where i will always be special, even if in reality i'm just some low rent bitch. scary how life can be so contrasting..
..its all in perspective.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
reasons to care.
i write because i have no idea what else i can do to make this stop.
to be honest, i'm not even sure what to put here. the only thing i do know is, writing has to be better than downing half a bottle of xannax.
i'm fraught with frustration. frustrated at sleeping alone again. frustrated at pricks who are supposed to know the mind, yet can't seem to stop being an asshole. frustrated by my own inadequacies physically.
yesterday, i got out of the shower and simply cried. because it hurt. few of you know i have a genetic thing that gives me 5 different kinds of skin conditions. the reason u only see my face and tits in pictures is because the rest is covered in scars. right now, its bad and just soap and water burn. the medicine has alcohol in it, so it burns more. my entire body on fire and every joint i flex, more pain as the skin splits and cracks. i cried more for the fact that its been 11 years of this, than the physical pain.
the physical i have gotten used to. its the knowing i'll never wear shorts with out tights or sox, the experience of my skin sticking to whatever its on and ripping off when i stand or move. the knowing that for the rest of my life, it will hurt just to use my hands, that cooking, creating, everything i love will hurt. and that there will be times i can't even do that. and the best part is there's nothing to be done. they can treat it, but not cure it. they can keep it at bay with strong meds that fuck my mood, my head, my heart, and my weight all up. they can give me temp relief by doing a series of 40-80 injections, placing cortisone under each sore; but that hurts almost as much as the sore itself.
i'm finding it harder and harder to pick myself back up. and whats really funny?
the reason i'm ranting was talking to a 'friend' that's got a degree in psychology and he did nothing but provoke, argue and fuck with me. i was so frustrated that someone supposedly so smart could be such a dumbass. he has that lil piece of paper that i dont, the one saying he's smart, the degree. yet, he's so blind and listens so little, he hurts the very kind of people that he's supposed to one day help. then wanders why women dont like him. sigh.
i dont get it. and i dont really feel like trying. that's why i write. because otherwise i'd be forced to call someone and explain all this. then they would get all upset because i sound suicidal and blah blah blah. it becomes more of a hassle than a help. so i write that i hurt. i write that i can't stop it and i write that i'm not sure i give a shit anymore. the only reason i hold on is for the family that loves me. because it would break their hearts. outside of that. i'm devoid of reason anymore. i need a reason to care.
i need a reason to care, even though caring leads to more hurt.... that's life?
to be honest, i'm not even sure what to put here. the only thing i do know is, writing has to be better than downing half a bottle of xannax.
i'm fraught with frustration. frustrated at sleeping alone again. frustrated at pricks who are supposed to know the mind, yet can't seem to stop being an asshole. frustrated by my own inadequacies physically.
yesterday, i got out of the shower and simply cried. because it hurt. few of you know i have a genetic thing that gives me 5 different kinds of skin conditions. the reason u only see my face and tits in pictures is because the rest is covered in scars. right now, its bad and just soap and water burn. the medicine has alcohol in it, so it burns more. my entire body on fire and every joint i flex, more pain as the skin splits and cracks. i cried more for the fact that its been 11 years of this, than the physical pain.
the physical i have gotten used to. its the knowing i'll never wear shorts with out tights or sox, the experience of my skin sticking to whatever its on and ripping off when i stand or move. the knowing that for the rest of my life, it will hurt just to use my hands, that cooking, creating, everything i love will hurt. and that there will be times i can't even do that. and the best part is there's nothing to be done. they can treat it, but not cure it. they can keep it at bay with strong meds that fuck my mood, my head, my heart, and my weight all up. they can give me temp relief by doing a series of 40-80 injections, placing cortisone under each sore; but that hurts almost as much as the sore itself.
i'm finding it harder and harder to pick myself back up. and whats really funny?
the reason i'm ranting was talking to a 'friend' that's got a degree in psychology and he did nothing but provoke, argue and fuck with me. i was so frustrated that someone supposedly so smart could be such a dumbass. he has that lil piece of paper that i dont, the one saying he's smart, the degree. yet, he's so blind and listens so little, he hurts the very kind of people that he's supposed to one day help. then wanders why women dont like him. sigh.
i dont get it. and i dont really feel like trying. that's why i write. because otherwise i'd be forced to call someone and explain all this. then they would get all upset because i sound suicidal and blah blah blah. it becomes more of a hassle than a help. so i write that i hurt. i write that i can't stop it and i write that i'm not sure i give a shit anymore. the only reason i hold on is for the family that loves me. because it would break their hearts. outside of that. i'm devoid of reason anymore. i need a reason to care.
i need a reason to care, even though caring leads to more hurt.... that's life?
Saturday, June 27, 2009
hiding behind privacy settings.
alright.
i've blogged about this before, but i feel the need to do it again. as i am now on face book and myspace, i notice that EVERYONE just about has their profile on private! its funny as hell. i cant decide if people are protecting something or hiding something.
i spoke last time about the different reasons why people do this. A: they have a kick ass job, yet are a true freak underneath and wouldn't like the attention brought at work for this. understandable, specially in these trying economic times. then there is B: people whose everday sux to the extent that they hide it. its like the feline mentality ie: if i can't see you, you can't see me. However.
i can admit. i was actually tempted to make my own profile completely private. all because of one prick. one asshole that i can't seem to shake, no matter how many times i block him, mark him as spam or tell him he's the scum of the earth. in the first few moments of rage, that he would comment on my blog as a means to contact me, i really wanted to kick every person out of my damn profile. However.
he's an attention whore. and we all know what that means. give them what they want and they thrive. instead i will publicly denounce setting profiles to private, that i have nothing to hide. that no matter how good or how bad my life is, i have no reason to fear other's knowing about it. that i am proud no matter what.
i'm not sure why people are so scared to let someone see them hurt. maybe because people are pricks by nature and they like to kick others when they are down. but really? if you know who you are and you are proud of who you are, why hide behind privacy settings?
wait. that's right. they AREN'T proud of who they are. in fact they fear judgment by everyone else so much they hide. they fear that everyone else will see the lil drama of their lives and think something of it. they are afraid to let people see their true colors. maybe because they think the true colors wont be accepted, or maybe to keep the people out there from knowing just how much shit they start in the first place.
i've noticed those with extensive drama in their lives tend to hide. from what i can tell, usually so no one has to know the whole truth. this way they can show just what lil they want, a smiling pic and an annecdote. cute. but gay. and completely sugar coated.
stop being afraid of reality people. if you can't be accepted as you are, you are no more than a lie anyways. if you aren't brave enough to put yourself out there, then why should u succeed at anything.
i am the queen of knowing the face of judgement. i've seen it on the countless faces of those that see the real me and are afraid. but that doesn't change the fact of who i am. Letting the judgement of others change you is in itself a sin. losing yourself because someone else thinks you are sick, or odd, or dark, or a 'heathen'..... that's just weak. i tried for years to conform to some kind of 'normalcy' and it got me nowhere except sad to have lost myself. i found it again. and no longer will i hide just how messed up i am.
i love pain, i love pleasure, i love late nites, sex, anime, movies, piercings, bondage, and many more things i wont mention for the sake of my vanilla readers i adore. ;) but they know. they know who i am. who i have always been..
i've blogged about this before, but i feel the need to do it again. as i am now on face book and myspace, i notice that EVERYONE just about has their profile on private! its funny as hell. i cant decide if people are protecting something or hiding something.
i spoke last time about the different reasons why people do this. A: they have a kick ass job, yet are a true freak underneath and wouldn't like the attention brought at work for this. understandable, specially in these trying economic times. then there is B: people whose everday sux to the extent that they hide it. its like the feline mentality ie: if i can't see you, you can't see me. However.
i can admit. i was actually tempted to make my own profile completely private. all because of one prick. one asshole that i can't seem to shake, no matter how many times i block him, mark him as spam or tell him he's the scum of the earth. in the first few moments of rage, that he would comment on my blog as a means to contact me, i really wanted to kick every person out of my damn profile. However.
he's an attention whore. and we all know what that means. give them what they want and they thrive. instead i will publicly denounce setting profiles to private, that i have nothing to hide. that no matter how good or how bad my life is, i have no reason to fear other's knowing about it. that i am proud no matter what.
i'm not sure why people are so scared to let someone see them hurt. maybe because people are pricks by nature and they like to kick others when they are down. but really? if you know who you are and you are proud of who you are, why hide behind privacy settings?
wait. that's right. they AREN'T proud of who they are. in fact they fear judgment by everyone else so much they hide. they fear that everyone else will see the lil drama of their lives and think something of it. they are afraid to let people see their true colors. maybe because they think the true colors wont be accepted, or maybe to keep the people out there from knowing just how much shit they start in the first place.
i've noticed those with extensive drama in their lives tend to hide. from what i can tell, usually so no one has to know the whole truth. this way they can show just what lil they want, a smiling pic and an annecdote. cute. but gay. and completely sugar coated.
stop being afraid of reality people. if you can't be accepted as you are, you are no more than a lie anyways. if you aren't brave enough to put yourself out there, then why should u succeed at anything.
i am the queen of knowing the face of judgement. i've seen it on the countless faces of those that see the real me and are afraid. but that doesn't change the fact of who i am. Letting the judgement of others change you is in itself a sin. losing yourself because someone else thinks you are sick, or odd, or dark, or a 'heathen'..... that's just weak. i tried for years to conform to some kind of 'normalcy' and it got me nowhere except sad to have lost myself. i found it again. and no longer will i hide just how messed up i am.
i love pain, i love pleasure, i love late nites, sex, anime, movies, piercings, bondage, and many more things i wont mention for the sake of my vanilla readers i adore. ;) but they know. they know who i am. who i have always been..
I REFUSE TO HIDE BEHIND A PRIVACY SETTING BECAUSE OF FEAR.
SEE ME AND KNOW I AM WHO I AM.
SEE ME AND KNOW I AM WHO I AM.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
its been a while
so-
what has happened in the long ass time its taken me to get back to writing?
I had friends in that i only get to see really once a year as they stay with me for a music festival in our area. its 4 days of music, camping and every other kind of debauchery you can think of. i haven't found an outlet to bring forth my inner lush better than this festival.
needless to say i spent alot of my youth experimenting with different substances, however the one thing i finally learned at the expense of a small chunk of my sanity, moderation. always in moderation and everything will be ok. but if you can't moderate yourself, then dont do it at all. otherwise the effects are all ur own fault. :)
so that being said. once a year, we get together and act like total hippies for 4 days. its great. the music was wonderful and the time with my friends even better.
ok. otherwise. i cut my hair. ya not all of it. just chopped it up a bit more. it was one of those 'omg i'm going to explode if i dont do something crazy!!!' moments. i would dye it but as it doesn't take dye anymore from that habit..... here ya go. family is coming in town. i have to get my car fixed. i'm still laid off adn living off the govt. i'm still working on my toons for my greeting card idea. i'm just in stasis.
like floating with no idea of when you might stop. will you float forever or decide to search for land? is there even land to be had or is this just the penacle of not caring? hell i dont even know for myself anymore. i've lost that goal in mind. that place i was searching for. finding physical comfort, i now search for nothing. with out this driving force, i've found i have no motivation.
WHY? why does one need a reward in order to have a driving force? I want my rewards back!
like a kid with candy, i would horde my lil candy pieces until i had done something successfully. then i would give myself a reward with a lil piece.
now i just look at each day as another and they all blend together into this mush. the scary part is its driving that darkest part of me to the surface. that need for pain. that need for punishment. that need for blood. the savageness that i try to hide so much, the raging inferno inside that i have tamed to embers for the sake of living sanely.
the normality i have reached has now become a burden i bear. i know nothing but to shrug it off. but with it, does the lil bit of calm i've created in my head go with it? do i lose all the progress with the image? i like to think my personality is stronger than that, but how should i know? i've strived to conform for the sake of other's happiness for so many years, do i even know who i am anymore? all i know is i miss the pain. its there, but i can't tap into it anymore. i cant touch it and know it anymore. if i do i'm afraid i will shatter and all the control and bars and locks and walls i've put up will wither away.
all speculation. either i have the confidence in my own strength to gain back the darkest sweetest desires locked in my heart with out reverting to the queen bitch i was. OR i'm a pussy. that's the options in my eyes. weakness is not acceptable. we shall see how i fare over the next month.
what has happened in the long ass time its taken me to get back to writing?
I had friends in that i only get to see really once a year as they stay with me for a music festival in our area. its 4 days of music, camping and every other kind of debauchery you can think of. i haven't found an outlet to bring forth my inner lush better than this festival.
needless to say i spent alot of my youth experimenting with different substances, however the one thing i finally learned at the expense of a small chunk of my sanity, moderation. always in moderation and everything will be ok. but if you can't moderate yourself, then dont do it at all. otherwise the effects are all ur own fault. :)
so that being said. once a year, we get together and act like total hippies for 4 days. its great. the music was wonderful and the time with my friends even better.
ok. otherwise. i cut my hair. ya not all of it. just chopped it up a bit more. it was one of those 'omg i'm going to explode if i dont do something crazy!!!' moments. i would dye it but as it doesn't take dye anymore from that habit..... here ya go. family is coming in town. i have to get my car fixed. i'm still laid off adn living off the govt. i'm still working on my toons for my greeting card idea. i'm just in stasis.
like floating with no idea of when you might stop. will you float forever or decide to search for land? is there even land to be had or is this just the penacle of not caring? hell i dont even know for myself anymore. i've lost that goal in mind. that place i was searching for. finding physical comfort, i now search for nothing. with out this driving force, i've found i have no motivation.
WHY? why does one need a reward in order to have a driving force? I want my rewards back!
like a kid with candy, i would horde my lil candy pieces until i had done something successfully. then i would give myself a reward with a lil piece.
now i just look at each day as another and they all blend together into this mush. the scary part is its driving that darkest part of me to the surface. that need for pain. that need for punishment. that need for blood. the savageness that i try to hide so much, the raging inferno inside that i have tamed to embers for the sake of living sanely.
the normality i have reached has now become a burden i bear. i know nothing but to shrug it off. but with it, does the lil bit of calm i've created in my head go with it? do i lose all the progress with the image? i like to think my personality is stronger than that, but how should i know? i've strived to conform for the sake of other's happiness for so many years, do i even know who i am anymore? all i know is i miss the pain. its there, but i can't tap into it anymore. i cant touch it and know it anymore. if i do i'm afraid i will shatter and all the control and bars and locks and walls i've put up will wither away.
all speculation. either i have the confidence in my own strength to gain back the darkest sweetest desires locked in my heart with out reverting to the queen bitch i was. OR i'm a pussy. that's the options in my eyes. weakness is not acceptable. we shall see how i fare over the next month.
Monday, June 1, 2009
the energy to go on
ok. this is going to be a quick post. because the shower is calling my name.
however- something on my mind. i look around and know that i have so much to be thankful for. a house, land, kick ass electronics and beautiful decorations, a nice kitchen... u get my drift. and i'm surviving. i'm not rolling in cash and getting anything i want, but we have everything that we Need.
is this ok? is this mediocre semblance of a life ok? should i be wanting more? i have things in the works, projects and ambitions, however in the stalemate before fruition.. what is there to keep going on?
normally i would say 'you have to be strong and push yourself' but
what if the Self has no drive?
what if the self doesn't really give a shit?
then what?
that's just it. i'm looking for that thing. that reason outside greed, ambition, need, survival.. outside the everyday, that will get me to go further. i need a small change. i used to dye my hair when this feeling came on. but lets face it, my hair wont take dye right now thanx to that habbit. So. a cut? a few new clothes bought with gift cards still not used? will this make me feel better?
shopping shouldn't be the answer to my pain. but if i can see me as something new, perhaps i will find an energy in that change to go on. lets hope so.
however- something on my mind. i look around and know that i have so much to be thankful for. a house, land, kick ass electronics and beautiful decorations, a nice kitchen... u get my drift. and i'm surviving. i'm not rolling in cash and getting anything i want, but we have everything that we Need.
is this ok? is this mediocre semblance of a life ok? should i be wanting more? i have things in the works, projects and ambitions, however in the stalemate before fruition.. what is there to keep going on?
normally i would say 'you have to be strong and push yourself' but
what if the Self has no drive?
what if the self doesn't really give a shit?
then what?
that's just it. i'm looking for that thing. that reason outside greed, ambition, need, survival.. outside the everyday, that will get me to go further. i need a small change. i used to dye my hair when this feeling came on. but lets face it, my hair wont take dye right now thanx to that habbit. So. a cut? a few new clothes bought with gift cards still not used? will this make me feel better?
shopping shouldn't be the answer to my pain. but if i can see me as something new, perhaps i will find an energy in that change to go on. lets hope so.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
black days
have you ever had one of those days where everything is just a lil darker, just a lil less sparkly and the walls seem to close in?
i've woken up with this feeling today. its been interesting. mainly because i'm not sure what to do with it. before i would play loud music and do some crazyness in my apt. but just as i had gotten into that kind of routine, i'm now living with my love. its different, so how do i get this out?
well we could draw. we could clean the house. we could open download music and listen to it mutely on the laptop. then again, opening the windows and getting this sick feeling out of the pit of my stomach would be better.
who knows why days like this happens? is it some latent bs residing in the back of your mind. is it just left over feelings from bad dreams? or is it just freaking hormones because it might be close to the moon week of your month?
we dont know. but we want it gone! we dont feel oppressed, except by our own limitations. we dont feel particularly sad. just anxious. almost on edge. like there's something crazy in the pit of my stomach. its not so bad for me. if i'm alone. however, the poor man living with me. ooh yes, he gets the edge every time. my sharp tongue and pissy attitude is lil comfort to someone, anyone.
we are just realizing that half of the time 'we' are speaking in the plural. that's a bad sign, yes? oh well, nothing to be done now- right?
godbless this blog makes no freaking sense. that's how out there my head is today. completely detached from anything else except that sense of something wrong. Now, if i end up predicting something crazy and kinda bad happening, i'll know the sick fucked up feeling in my head connected directly to my gut then straight with quivering motions to my fingers and toes. i'll know its just me being psychic. LMAO. ya.
its like having a small tremor inside your body and not being able to control it, but knowing that u need to DO something with it. and no ffs, its not a panick attack. i'd be pacing instead of typing it out right now. no. this is a need for something. but for once, i can't identify what will satisfy the odd craving in my head and heart. its dark, kinda craggy, like wanting to strike at oneself. maybe a piercing will satisfy the demon?
ya know, sometimes i wish i had one of those ipod thingys so i could walk around with ear phones in and have theme music for everywhere i went or did. i could lay in the yard and listen to my own theme music... only problem is, even in the sunshine, i'd end up listening to My Dying Bride right now.
thats it for today. oh one last note. i threw a birthday party for my beau. it turned into 2 days of beer pong, pizza, rock band and people sleeping in odd places. it was a good thing. made him happy. that's what i do. now i just have to stop being a bitch. that would totally help.
i've woken up with this feeling today. its been interesting. mainly because i'm not sure what to do with it. before i would play loud music and do some crazyness in my apt. but just as i had gotten into that kind of routine, i'm now living with my love. its different, so how do i get this out?
well we could draw. we could clean the house. we could open download music and listen to it mutely on the laptop. then again, opening the windows and getting this sick feeling out of the pit of my stomach would be better.
who knows why days like this happens? is it some latent bs residing in the back of your mind. is it just left over feelings from bad dreams? or is it just freaking hormones because it might be close to the moon week of your month?
we dont know. but we want it gone! we dont feel oppressed, except by our own limitations. we dont feel particularly sad. just anxious. almost on edge. like there's something crazy in the pit of my stomach. its not so bad for me. if i'm alone. however, the poor man living with me. ooh yes, he gets the edge every time. my sharp tongue and pissy attitude is lil comfort to someone, anyone.
we are just realizing that half of the time 'we' are speaking in the plural. that's a bad sign, yes? oh well, nothing to be done now- right?
godbless this blog makes no freaking sense. that's how out there my head is today. completely detached from anything else except that sense of something wrong. Now, if i end up predicting something crazy and kinda bad happening, i'll know the sick fucked up feeling in my head connected directly to my gut then straight with quivering motions to my fingers and toes. i'll know its just me being psychic. LMAO. ya.
its like having a small tremor inside your body and not being able to control it, but knowing that u need to DO something with it. and no ffs, its not a panick attack. i'd be pacing instead of typing it out right now. no. this is a need for something. but for once, i can't identify what will satisfy the odd craving in my head and heart. its dark, kinda craggy, like wanting to strike at oneself. maybe a piercing will satisfy the demon?
ya know, sometimes i wish i had one of those ipod thingys so i could walk around with ear phones in and have theme music for everywhere i went or did. i could lay in the yard and listen to my own theme music... only problem is, even in the sunshine, i'd end up listening to My Dying Bride right now.
thats it for today. oh one last note. i threw a birthday party for my beau. it turned into 2 days of beer pong, pizza, rock band and people sleeping in odd places. it was a good thing. made him happy. that's what i do. now i just have to stop being a bitch. that would totally help.
Monday, May 4, 2009
wooohooo... or something
weeeeeeeeeeeell-
i am 27 as of today. well technically its now 2 hours passed but you get my drift. dont feel any older. haven't really felt older since i hit about 23. HOWEVER. it was bought to my attention that hitting 30 is a bigger deal than i thought. i thought it was just a number. nothing more! but no. its also the transition into a different stage of life, different label, different check box on the survey thingy...its middle aged.
Now, that sounds daunting as hell. i mean, middle aged means you are no longer in your youth, your 20's or even close. even though the cougars of our time are now saying that 50 is the new 30, doesn't make me happy about the fact that i noticed i have a freaking wrinkle on my forehead today and thought-'SHIT. middle age in 3 years and already i'm fading fast!'
HOWEVER- i have found the silver lining. if there is the one thing that comes with age, it is the fact that people in your family stop telling you what to do, and start instead giving 'advice'. ;) wink wink nudge nudge say no more! ALSO- you get the right to have what is officially called a 'mid life crisis'. This means a type of temporary insanity in which you can lose your freaking mind for a period of time, do all kinds of crazy 'omg bob, what are you doin?!?!' types of things. and get away with it. seriously. they just say 'oh.... they're having a mid life crisis- ooooh.. i see i see' so there. good things. and i'm a chick. so i can always act mildly crazy and claim hormones. that's a total out that women have exploited even to the legal level now. jeez man. if it didn't come with bleeding for a week and feeling like bitch slapping every person in sight, it wouldn't' really be all that bad at all.
I digress. the point is. i'm 27. and i'm already having my mid life crisis. i'm changing my career drastically, trying to make all these amendments to how i've been going about life so that i can have a happier standard of living.... so who cares about middle age? i'll just be an older version of myself still wearing my cradle of filth t shirt to bed and my cargo camo shorts to hang out in the house when i'm graying and dont give a damn anymore cuz i'm happy and that's all that matters. :)
so- woo hoo or something. i made it through another year. impressive huh? and some of you didn't think i would make it past 21! HA! that's in yo face :)
i am 27 as of today. well technically its now 2 hours passed but you get my drift. dont feel any older. haven't really felt older since i hit about 23. HOWEVER. it was bought to my attention that hitting 30 is a bigger deal than i thought. i thought it was just a number. nothing more! but no. its also the transition into a different stage of life, different label, different check box on the survey thingy...its middle aged.
Now, that sounds daunting as hell. i mean, middle aged means you are no longer in your youth, your 20's or even close. even though the cougars of our time are now saying that 50 is the new 30, doesn't make me happy about the fact that i noticed i have a freaking wrinkle on my forehead today and thought-'SHIT. middle age in 3 years and already i'm fading fast!'
HOWEVER- i have found the silver lining. if there is the one thing that comes with age, it is the fact that people in your family stop telling you what to do, and start instead giving 'advice'. ;) wink wink nudge nudge say no more! ALSO- you get the right to have what is officially called a 'mid life crisis'. This means a type of temporary insanity in which you can lose your freaking mind for a period of time, do all kinds of crazy 'omg bob, what are you doin?!?!' types of things. and get away with it. seriously. they just say 'oh.... they're having a mid life crisis- ooooh.. i see i see' so there. good things. and i'm a chick. so i can always act mildly crazy and claim hormones. that's a total out that women have exploited even to the legal level now. jeez man. if it didn't come with bleeding for a week and feeling like bitch slapping every person in sight, it wouldn't' really be all that bad at all.
I digress. the point is. i'm 27. and i'm already having my mid life crisis. i'm changing my career drastically, trying to make all these amendments to how i've been going about life so that i can have a happier standard of living.... so who cares about middle age? i'll just be an older version of myself still wearing my cradle of filth t shirt to bed and my cargo camo shorts to hang out in the house when i'm graying and dont give a damn anymore cuz i'm happy and that's all that matters. :)
so- woo hoo or something. i made it through another year. impressive huh? and some of you didn't think i would make it past 21! HA! that's in yo face :)
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
ok so i was nice....
well i hate to say it, but if ur the evil minded type, i totally pussed yesterday.
HOWEVER. since i'm on the topic, i feel like now and here is a good place to put my thoughts and the story. besides, with out names (i'll use letters instead ) and it being almost 3 years ago now, i can get away with it. to be honest, the story is like something out of fuckin jerry springer, but it really happened and was not funny until like this year. lol
ok. i was 23, met this guy who was 21.. Lets call this guy C. C appeared to be a sweet stoner who had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship. btw. we met online. so we chatted it up for like a few weeks online, finally met up, chilled and got along really well. NOW- here is where my savior syndrome totally kicked in. He was still really hurt inside about the ex cheating on him (we will call her L.) and leaving him for some guy with a kid. so i helped him find a new apt, over 3 or months we hang out, he meets his neighbors, they turn out to be really cool people that we both get along with, i make friends among the group as well. I'm making bank at my job, helping him pay for pretty much everything, including some experimental goodies that he ended up liking too much. During all this time, i've told C that he needs to be sure about dating and make sure he's completely over L before he moves on, otherwise it will just be a mess later. 5 months into knowing each other, he asks me out. i accept.
a few weeks after we are officially dating, instead of just friends with perks, i have a trip to go to vegas with my family., All the children are over 21 for the first time, dad wants to take us all for a great time. we go. that is a TOTALLY different story i'll tell later.
I came back from vegas to C sitting with L, the ex, in her pj's at the apt i was basically paying for. Now. i'll admit, i was way more pissed than i should have been, but i was tired, retarded from being in vegas for 4 days and wtf, i'd asked him to make sure? Needless to say, i lost my shit, called him all kinds of names. came back the next day and cleaned out his apt of anything i had bought for him, including the groceries.
Now here is where my pride led me astray. i was hurt because i had been taking care of someone for that long, helping them back to what i thought was recovery, and here they went behind my back, then in front of all the neighbors we were friends with, denounces me and is back with his ex. it was toally painful. shit man, i was better than that. and i was banking. so i decided to be a lil spiteful and rub it in his face. It was just because it was convenient though. I'm lazy, i dont work even for spite.
so i start coming over to the chick neighbor that i was really good friends with. i party with them at nights, seeing C and L together in the Apt from time to time, since it was next door. I spent money lavishly on the neighbors, buying booze and such for us to party. I was really spiteful man. I mean i felt completely betrayed by someone i had taken down the walls for and totally accepted for the fucked up wreck they were.
here's the thing. I leave one night to go see someone else after being at the neighbors, C and L are standing on their stoop smoking cigs , so i headed straight to my car and just waved as i walked saying 'ya'll have a wonderful night' and got in my car and left.
i get a call. its the neighbor i just left. he's babbling about did i scratch L's car? and i should come bak to straighten this all out. Like i dumbass i did. because i thought sure this was just a mistake. nope. i pull up to C and L standing next to a silver car, she's got her shoulder's back in a classic aggressive pose. so i do likewise. those of you that know me and have faced me know i'm stocky and built like a brick shit house. plus i know karate and taught krav maga. i'm not a pansy. i walk up.
she says i keyed her car, is yelling. he's standing idly by watching. i'm standing at the end of the car, that i just now know is hers (cuz i dont pay attention to freaking detail!). it has several key marks down the side. not just one long one. no. several. ok. just remember that detail.
she demands i hand over my license and insurance info so she can claim it. i tell her to come get it. she yells 'what?! are we in 5th grade??' i calmly tell her 'no, but i'm innocent and thus have the right to refuse you anything i want. i didn't key your car' OK... here's were it got redneck. the country in me came out and we yelled back and forth loud enough for the entire apt complex to hear. finally she says 'Imma take u to court Erikuh an' take all that muney'. ya. shes like trailer park country. i said 'ya know what, fuck this' went to my car and called my sister. told her everything. she says come home.
i went home, waving saying, fuck you guys, this is bs.
the next saturday i get woken up at 9 am by my sister. she says there are policemen at the door and they want to talk to me. i figure they are needing my side of the story for a report. i have my nightmare before christmas pj's on and a hoodie. i come down. we talk, i told him my side. he says 'baby girl, it sounds like you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.. she is just trying to get rid of you. But...... i have a warrant here for your arrest for the charge of felony vandalism. I have to take you in'.
I was arrested. there in front of my home. in my nightmare pj's and hoodie. crying like a lil girl as they cuffed me in front just to be nice to me. two sherrif cars in my driveway. all the neighbors of my nice lil neighborhood are looking out their doors as i'm led to the car. i'm put in the back. they take me to county. they shackle me to a concrete table. around me walk inmates in orange jumpsuits. the kind of people that i used to make sure i avoided in dark alleys. and here i sit in my pjs just quietly crying. They transport me to the City PD. the cop who had taken me in is the one transporting me. he gets me some tissues for nose. he's frowning the whole time. they put me in a small room with once again attach my cuffs to the table. i'm given a paper, told thy just want to ask me some questions and this is saying i dont need a lawyer present. i sign it. i'm still in shock. i'm still wondering 'HOW CAN THEY TAKE ME FROM MY HOUSE WHEN I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?????'
soon as the paper is signed, the investigator says he will be questioning me based on my being guilty. he asks me to tell what happened. i told him. he said weren't you angry? were you the ex? i advise him of the rest of the story. that L is the ex of 3 years, and C was just some kid i picked up and was helping out. that we'd only been dating a month when this all happened. AND that no i wasn't angry, cuz the alleged incident took place 2 WEEKS after we had broken it off.
he says if i just admit i made a mistake, that i was angry and did it, the DA will go easy on me, make me a deal, it will all be ok. I keep crying and telling him, 'Damnit, if i had done it, i would feel bad and tell you, but i DIDN"T and instead i wanna know why you can take me from my home based on the word of some chick?!?!' he keeps at it. finally he leaves the room. i sit.
I'm still stunned when the investigator walks back in. He's now got an older man with him that introduces himself as the other's boss. He tells me 'my detective here says you dont want to cooperate and just admit to your mistake. You know if you do, it will be alot easier on you. The DA will respect your honesty.'
I LAUGHED, maniacally! hysterically! still crying the whole time. I told him again the same thing i had told the other man over and over. How it happened, that i'm not the ex, i was just the rebound screw in between and that i'd freaking admit it if i had done it, but i hadn't so WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY!?!?. he asks if i will take a polygraph, i said 'YES! Please! Right now! anything so i can prove i'm telling the truth!!' he asks if i would take a voice stress test? i said 'Yes! i am not sure what it is, but if it will show that i'm not lying, then yes!' he says 'what if they say you are lying. ' i said well then i dont know, cuz i'm not.' end of conversation. i was transported back to county. i was photographed, fingerprinted and shackled to the table again to wait.
My sister came to my rescue with the bond. My bail was set at $5000, so my bond was $500. seriously. she comes and takes me home. i have nightmares of people coming to take me away. i'm visiting a therapist at this time. i lose my job because of the pending felony that suddenly pops up on my record. i lose the job i was about to take as well because the pending felony popped up. i get turned down by Mcdonalds, taco bell, dairy queen.. all because of a pending felony on my record. they finally advise me its because they figure there's no point in training someone that is going to jail anyways.
months pass, i end up staying with my aunt for a month and then my mom in texas for a month. i can't even be there as they have made it impossible. i come back for the first court date. There are so many dates you have to attend in which you attempt to make a deal or settle. after that it goes to a jury trial. we went to each one. the first one, L testified to the events. if i didn't know i was innocent, i'd have believed her. she had really convinced herself it was the truth. the second, she sat in front of me and my mom and then turned around and Stared at us. WTF??? my mother finally says 'Can i help you?' in her coldest tone and L turns back around.
It comes all the way down to the last court date. the last chance to make a deal. She keeps wanting me to do time, $3000 in restitution to her and probation for like 3 years! we keep offering to pay the so call 'Damages' she got trumped up ($300 of the total cost was to remove decals on the side of her car. seriously trumped up. so long as its over $1000 its a felony and they can arrest you. under that its misdemeanor and just a ticket.)
she wont take the deal. this is the last day. But where is L? she's not there yet and court has already started. The DA approaches me and my lawyer. He states the state doesn't really have case against me and i have evidence in my favor, so if we'll agree to pay what she's claimed as damages, he will drop the charges and i can expunge the event from my record in 6 months. My father is told. He agrees and states he can pay the amount at this very moment!
As daddy pulls out the check book, there comes screeching around the corner L. she's too late. we've already signed the deal. So long as the vicitim is present, the DA has to do what they say, but if they fail to appear, they can make the decision. HA! Fate has saved me. Daddy writes the check, saying he doesn't mind paying a lil blood money, and its closed. As i'm in court and my lawyer is presenting the deal to the judge that was made, you an hear L in the hallway yelling at the DA. its over.
Me, my lawyer, my father, my mother all walk out of the courtroom, walk right past L. I smiled then stepped into the elevator and thought it was over.
Ok. this is seriously the short version of that entire tale. there was more, but it was stupid. since then, C the boy that started all this bs, has tried to contact me. once to give me some long ass letter that was supposed to be an apology and was actually just a run on excuse. again to say he found some letter i had written him in some special box (which i totally picked the lock to for him one night) that he thought no one could get into. and now again. to quote me on my own fucking blog. it was from the pills happiness rant.
Help is help, it doesn't change who you are, just how you take control of your life C wrote 'very well said...' i actually wanted to punch him through the screen. like he was taking my words and applying them to himself, because his excuse for everything is he was sinking and didn't know how else to help himself cept to get back with L.
now i can accept that this is true. helping ones self to get out of your despair is good. BUT, being a total piece of scum, a spineless piece of bullshit, and ungrateful prick doesn't make the method ok. there are better ways of helping ones self. that dont include tearing down the person that just wanted to help and be there.
I WAS SOOOOO PISSED. but then i talked to my bro. and he was like 'dude. if you write back, ur just feeding into his need for attention. he's being an attention whore. just mark him as spam.' he was right. he's the calm one for a reason. so i did. its the last thing i can do, as i have blocked him, erased him and tried to forget him as the only thing i regret doing in my life. all i learned is spite gets you in trouble and dont date younger guys. they are stupid.
i turn 27 in a few days. i think this was my cleansing. :) just another piece of spam now.
HOWEVER. since i'm on the topic, i feel like now and here is a good place to put my thoughts and the story. besides, with out names (i'll use letters instead ) and it being almost 3 years ago now, i can get away with it. to be honest, the story is like something out of fuckin jerry springer, but it really happened and was not funny until like this year. lol
ok. i was 23, met this guy who was 21.. Lets call this guy C. C appeared to be a sweet stoner who had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship. btw. we met online. so we chatted it up for like a few weeks online, finally met up, chilled and got along really well. NOW- here is where my savior syndrome totally kicked in. He was still really hurt inside about the ex cheating on him (we will call her L.) and leaving him for some guy with a kid. so i helped him find a new apt, over 3 or months we hang out, he meets his neighbors, they turn out to be really cool people that we both get along with, i make friends among the group as well. I'm making bank at my job, helping him pay for pretty much everything, including some experimental goodies that he ended up liking too much. During all this time, i've told C that he needs to be sure about dating and make sure he's completely over L before he moves on, otherwise it will just be a mess later. 5 months into knowing each other, he asks me out. i accept.
a few weeks after we are officially dating, instead of just friends with perks, i have a trip to go to vegas with my family., All the children are over 21 for the first time, dad wants to take us all for a great time. we go. that is a TOTALLY different story i'll tell later.
I came back from vegas to C sitting with L, the ex, in her pj's at the apt i was basically paying for. Now. i'll admit, i was way more pissed than i should have been, but i was tired, retarded from being in vegas for 4 days and wtf, i'd asked him to make sure? Needless to say, i lost my shit, called him all kinds of names. came back the next day and cleaned out his apt of anything i had bought for him, including the groceries.
Now here is where my pride led me astray. i was hurt because i had been taking care of someone for that long, helping them back to what i thought was recovery, and here they went behind my back, then in front of all the neighbors we were friends with, denounces me and is back with his ex. it was toally painful. shit man, i was better than that. and i was banking. so i decided to be a lil spiteful and rub it in his face. It was just because it was convenient though. I'm lazy, i dont work even for spite.
so i start coming over to the chick neighbor that i was really good friends with. i party with them at nights, seeing C and L together in the Apt from time to time, since it was next door. I spent money lavishly on the neighbors, buying booze and such for us to party. I was really spiteful man. I mean i felt completely betrayed by someone i had taken down the walls for and totally accepted for the fucked up wreck they were.
here's the thing. I leave one night to go see someone else after being at the neighbors, C and L are standing on their stoop smoking cigs , so i headed straight to my car and just waved as i walked saying 'ya'll have a wonderful night' and got in my car and left.
i get a call. its the neighbor i just left. he's babbling about did i scratch L's car? and i should come bak to straighten this all out. Like i dumbass i did. because i thought sure this was just a mistake. nope. i pull up to C and L standing next to a silver car, she's got her shoulder's back in a classic aggressive pose. so i do likewise. those of you that know me and have faced me know i'm stocky and built like a brick shit house. plus i know karate and taught krav maga. i'm not a pansy. i walk up.
she says i keyed her car, is yelling. he's standing idly by watching. i'm standing at the end of the car, that i just now know is hers (cuz i dont pay attention to freaking detail!). it has several key marks down the side. not just one long one. no. several. ok. just remember that detail.
she demands i hand over my license and insurance info so she can claim it. i tell her to come get it. she yells 'what?! are we in 5th grade??' i calmly tell her 'no, but i'm innocent and thus have the right to refuse you anything i want. i didn't key your car' OK... here's were it got redneck. the country in me came out and we yelled back and forth loud enough for the entire apt complex to hear. finally she says 'Imma take u to court Erikuh an' take all that muney'. ya. shes like trailer park country. i said 'ya know what, fuck this' went to my car and called my sister. told her everything. she says come home.
i went home, waving saying, fuck you guys, this is bs.
the next saturday i get woken up at 9 am by my sister. she says there are policemen at the door and they want to talk to me. i figure they are needing my side of the story for a report. i have my nightmare before christmas pj's on and a hoodie. i come down. we talk, i told him my side. he says 'baby girl, it sounds like you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.. she is just trying to get rid of you. But...... i have a warrant here for your arrest for the charge of felony vandalism. I have to take you in'.
I was arrested. there in front of my home. in my nightmare pj's and hoodie. crying like a lil girl as they cuffed me in front just to be nice to me. two sherrif cars in my driveway. all the neighbors of my nice lil neighborhood are looking out their doors as i'm led to the car. i'm put in the back. they take me to county. they shackle me to a concrete table. around me walk inmates in orange jumpsuits. the kind of people that i used to make sure i avoided in dark alleys. and here i sit in my pjs just quietly crying. They transport me to the City PD. the cop who had taken me in is the one transporting me. he gets me some tissues for nose. he's frowning the whole time. they put me in a small room with once again attach my cuffs to the table. i'm given a paper, told thy just want to ask me some questions and this is saying i dont need a lawyer present. i sign it. i'm still in shock. i'm still wondering 'HOW CAN THEY TAKE ME FROM MY HOUSE WHEN I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?????'
soon as the paper is signed, the investigator says he will be questioning me based on my being guilty. he asks me to tell what happened. i told him. he said weren't you angry? were you the ex? i advise him of the rest of the story. that L is the ex of 3 years, and C was just some kid i picked up and was helping out. that we'd only been dating a month when this all happened. AND that no i wasn't angry, cuz the alleged incident took place 2 WEEKS after we had broken it off.
he says if i just admit i made a mistake, that i was angry and did it, the DA will go easy on me, make me a deal, it will all be ok. I keep crying and telling him, 'Damnit, if i had done it, i would feel bad and tell you, but i DIDN"T and instead i wanna know why you can take me from my home based on the word of some chick?!?!' he keeps at it. finally he leaves the room. i sit.
I'm still stunned when the investigator walks back in. He's now got an older man with him that introduces himself as the other's boss. He tells me 'my detective here says you dont want to cooperate and just admit to your mistake. You know if you do, it will be alot easier on you. The DA will respect your honesty.'
I LAUGHED, maniacally! hysterically! still crying the whole time. I told him again the same thing i had told the other man over and over. How it happened, that i'm not the ex, i was just the rebound screw in between and that i'd freaking admit it if i had done it, but i hadn't so WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY!?!?. he asks if i will take a polygraph, i said 'YES! Please! Right now! anything so i can prove i'm telling the truth!!' he asks if i would take a voice stress test? i said 'Yes! i am not sure what it is, but if it will show that i'm not lying, then yes!' he says 'what if they say you are lying. ' i said well then i dont know, cuz i'm not.' end of conversation. i was transported back to county. i was photographed, fingerprinted and shackled to the table again to wait.
My sister came to my rescue with the bond. My bail was set at $5000, so my bond was $500. seriously. she comes and takes me home. i have nightmares of people coming to take me away. i'm visiting a therapist at this time. i lose my job because of the pending felony that suddenly pops up on my record. i lose the job i was about to take as well because the pending felony popped up. i get turned down by Mcdonalds, taco bell, dairy queen.. all because of a pending felony on my record. they finally advise me its because they figure there's no point in training someone that is going to jail anyways.
months pass, i end up staying with my aunt for a month and then my mom in texas for a month. i can't even be there as they have made it impossible. i come back for the first court date. There are so many dates you have to attend in which you attempt to make a deal or settle. after that it goes to a jury trial. we went to each one. the first one, L testified to the events. if i didn't know i was innocent, i'd have believed her. she had really convinced herself it was the truth. the second, she sat in front of me and my mom and then turned around and Stared at us. WTF??? my mother finally says 'Can i help you?' in her coldest tone and L turns back around.
It comes all the way down to the last court date. the last chance to make a deal. She keeps wanting me to do time, $3000 in restitution to her and probation for like 3 years! we keep offering to pay the so call 'Damages' she got trumped up ($300 of the total cost was to remove decals on the side of her car. seriously trumped up. so long as its over $1000 its a felony and they can arrest you. under that its misdemeanor and just a ticket.)
she wont take the deal. this is the last day. But where is L? she's not there yet and court has already started. The DA approaches me and my lawyer. He states the state doesn't really have case against me and i have evidence in my favor, so if we'll agree to pay what she's claimed as damages, he will drop the charges and i can expunge the event from my record in 6 months. My father is told. He agrees and states he can pay the amount at this very moment!
As daddy pulls out the check book, there comes screeching around the corner L. she's too late. we've already signed the deal. So long as the vicitim is present, the DA has to do what they say, but if they fail to appear, they can make the decision. HA! Fate has saved me. Daddy writes the check, saying he doesn't mind paying a lil blood money, and its closed. As i'm in court and my lawyer is presenting the deal to the judge that was made, you an hear L in the hallway yelling at the DA. its over.
Me, my lawyer, my father, my mother all walk out of the courtroom, walk right past L. I smiled then stepped into the elevator and thought it was over.
Ok. this is seriously the short version of that entire tale. there was more, but it was stupid. since then, C the boy that started all this bs, has tried to contact me. once to give me some long ass letter that was supposed to be an apology and was actually just a run on excuse. again to say he found some letter i had written him in some special box (which i totally picked the lock to for him one night) that he thought no one could get into. and now again. to quote me on my own fucking blog. it was from the pills happiness rant.
Help is help, it doesn't change who you are, just how you take control of your life C wrote 'very well said...' i actually wanted to punch him through the screen. like he was taking my words and applying them to himself, because his excuse for everything is he was sinking and didn't know how else to help himself cept to get back with L.
now i can accept that this is true. helping ones self to get out of your despair is good. BUT, being a total piece of scum, a spineless piece of bullshit, and ungrateful prick doesn't make the method ok. there are better ways of helping ones self. that dont include tearing down the person that just wanted to help and be there.
I WAS SOOOOO PISSED. but then i talked to my bro. and he was like 'dude. if you write back, ur just feeding into his need for attention. he's being an attention whore. just mark him as spam.' he was right. he's the calm one for a reason. so i did. its the last thing i can do, as i have blocked him, erased him and tried to forget him as the only thing i regret doing in my life. all i learned is spite gets you in trouble and dont date younger guys. they are stupid.
i turn 27 in a few days. i think this was my cleansing. :) just another piece of spam now.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
just a taste
ok, this is just a taste of what is brewing in my head right now. there's fire, there's brimstone and there's this insatiable need to kick someone. like hard. really hard.
but then i kinda mellow and remember that hating is giving too much of one's self already. not caring at all, is neutral and allows you to spend even less time on said hated thing/person. however.. humans are just not that forgiving! and if they are, they are sitting in some monastery right now chanting. i on the other hand, am good, but not perfect. that being said. i shall postulate my rage into a thought and put it up on here later.
and yae said the lord rants are good.
but then i kinda mellow and remember that hating is giving too much of one's self already. not caring at all, is neutral and allows you to spend even less time on said hated thing/person. however.. humans are just not that forgiving! and if they are, they are sitting in some monastery right now chanting. i on the other hand, am good, but not perfect. that being said. i shall postulate my rage into a thought and put it up on here later.
and yae said the lord rants are good.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
again a short blog
i'm posting tonight because i'm thinking bout what i'm doing. i'm making art.
ok so i'm also being a slacker. I'm looking for part time work while i'm cooking up my lil art scheme. i think it will sell. we shall see.
but today has been a bad day for lots of people around me it seems. Friends going to Dr's, my own dr appt (i got a dr's note that says i have to lay out in the sun for at least 10 min starting tomorrow. hahahahahah!) relationships and the like. i thought i would finally put down my thoughts on the M word! SCARY!
The M word. well marriage is something i've contemplated a few times (engaged 3 times my friends) and frankly its just not worth it in my mind. cept maybe for the tax breaks. Lately everyone is married around me, although i haven't peeked into the marriages of people i've recently come to talk to again, the ones close to me aren't pretty. My own sister married the wrong man under pressure and it screwed her life for 6 years. other friends find that they are most angry and that they are rethinking marriage right before it happens. Now- there's the thing.
Do you have the jitters and regular doubts of a person making a life commitment? OR
Do you have reasonable doubts and unresolvable conflicts with the person you're about to commit to?
figure that out and everything will be ok. that's it. seriously. but here's the thing. why even do it? ya its fun to shop and get the dress blah blah blah, but its also a butt load of stress and makes for some serious financial cramps. there are ways around all of this. of course. i know this. but in my mind, i don't need a ring to tell me if i'm commit ed to someone. i guess this symbol has been rooted into the minds of lil girls for so long that they MUST have it to know they are loved. WHY???? from what i have seen of the divorce rate amongst our generation, the ring only means they are yours for as long as they are having fun. then poof. things get hard, people split. its just one more legal thing to fuck with. instead, live with someone, get to know them when they are just waking up, have been on a all night binge playing video games and when they are just sitting around completely quiet. its like buying a car before test driving it. compatibility.
if you can live with someone as your best friend as well as love, then why put a label on it. why fix what isn't broke. i only have one personal example of friends that are married and happy as hell. others are just totally vague or blah. the ring makes someone crazy, gives them ideas of owning, they treat one another different under different labels. Hell some chicks treat a guy different soon as he's a boyfriend. instead of adding to the intimacy, they break off a part of their personality that used to talk to that guy like he was an intelligent human being and just wants them to see the nice side of her. GREAT. now you are no longer with a boy friend. just a boy. what was the point in getting to know that person?!?
k i'm done. that's my thoughts. what works for everyone is different, but when you have families on both sides that think living together and thinking as tho we are a permenant thing means the M word.. there's a rant to be had :)
i'm posting tonight because i'm thinking bout what i'm doing. i'm making art.
ok so i'm also being a slacker. I'm looking for part time work while i'm cooking up my lil art scheme. i think it will sell. we shall see.
but today has been a bad day for lots of people around me it seems. Friends going to Dr's, my own dr appt (i got a dr's note that says i have to lay out in the sun for at least 10 min starting tomorrow. hahahahahah!) relationships and the like. i thought i would finally put down my thoughts on the M word! SCARY!
The M word. well marriage is something i've contemplated a few times (engaged 3 times my friends) and frankly its just not worth it in my mind. cept maybe for the tax breaks. Lately everyone is married around me, although i haven't peeked into the marriages of people i've recently come to talk to again, the ones close to me aren't pretty. My own sister married the wrong man under pressure and it screwed her life for 6 years. other friends find that they are most angry and that they are rethinking marriage right before it happens. Now- there's the thing.
Do you have the jitters and regular doubts of a person making a life commitment? OR
Do you have reasonable doubts and unresolvable conflicts with the person you're about to commit to?
figure that out and everything will be ok. that's it. seriously. but here's the thing. why even do it? ya its fun to shop and get the dress blah blah blah, but its also a butt load of stress and makes for some serious financial cramps. there are ways around all of this. of course. i know this. but in my mind, i don't need a ring to tell me if i'm commit ed to someone. i guess this symbol has been rooted into the minds of lil girls for so long that they MUST have it to know they are loved. WHY???? from what i have seen of the divorce rate amongst our generation, the ring only means they are yours for as long as they are having fun. then poof. things get hard, people split. its just one more legal thing to fuck with. instead, live with someone, get to know them when they are just waking up, have been on a all night binge playing video games and when they are just sitting around completely quiet. its like buying a car before test driving it. compatibility.
if you can live with someone as your best friend as well as love, then why put a label on it. why fix what isn't broke. i only have one personal example of friends that are married and happy as hell. others are just totally vague or blah. the ring makes someone crazy, gives them ideas of owning, they treat one another different under different labels. Hell some chicks treat a guy different soon as he's a boyfriend. instead of adding to the intimacy, they break off a part of their personality that used to talk to that guy like he was an intelligent human being and just wants them to see the nice side of her. GREAT. now you are no longer with a boy friend. just a boy. what was the point in getting to know that person?!?
k i'm done. that's my thoughts. what works for everyone is different, but when you have families on both sides that think living together and thinking as tho we are a permenant thing means the M word.. there's a rant to be had :)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
ramblings
just a quick blog tonight. nothing really to say. except i took a lil time off from the world. didn't give out the cell number, signed off the yim and watched nothing but internet for like 4 days straight. all the while i'm cracking software to create my new lil idea. my toon called stitches... he will be my legacy, my design to a future free from working a mundane job. and i know i can sell him, so its going to be fun. but i ramble-
i'm currently being inspired and the means isn't other people for once. for once it comes from just being alone. its this need to take off the corporate mask i have created to 'fit in' that drives me, but a deeper sense of loss of self is what drives the creativity. i dunno, i am just one of those people that would rather have blue hair till i'm 55 than be just another customer service bitch. so i will create. creation be my madness so that i may carve out a living from the depraved sense of humor the world has given me. strange and awry, this cute but disturbing humor can finally give purpose to my jack of all trades nature.
outside of this, i'm having these fantastic dreams of this red and black city complex that contains everyone i've ever known and then some. connections to people i had all but forgotten have come rushing back in odd memories mixed with lush fantasy. too many drugs? or just my own mind drawing some of the wildness back from times passed, showing me what i miss most. there's an ember in the flames. now i just have to pluck it and set it ablaze. oh. and i think i want to visit texas. the parents offered. and theres lots of people i'd like to reconnect with. interesting how that works. maybe a side trip to dallas. take a few free t shirts with me to promote my new line. lol. we shall see.
for now deep breaths filtered by water and the night time pills. hooray.
i'm currently being inspired and the means isn't other people for once. for once it comes from just being alone. its this need to take off the corporate mask i have created to 'fit in' that drives me, but a deeper sense of loss of self is what drives the creativity. i dunno, i am just one of those people that would rather have blue hair till i'm 55 than be just another customer service bitch. so i will create. creation be my madness so that i may carve out a living from the depraved sense of humor the world has given me. strange and awry, this cute but disturbing humor can finally give purpose to my jack of all trades nature.
outside of this, i'm having these fantastic dreams of this red and black city complex that contains everyone i've ever known and then some. connections to people i had all but forgotten have come rushing back in odd memories mixed with lush fantasy. too many drugs? or just my own mind drawing some of the wildness back from times passed, showing me what i miss most. there's an ember in the flames. now i just have to pluck it and set it ablaze. oh. and i think i want to visit texas. the parents offered. and theres lots of people i'd like to reconnect with. interesting how that works. maybe a side trip to dallas. take a few free t shirts with me to promote my new line. lol. we shall see.
for now deep breaths filtered by water and the night time pills. hooray.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
i'm not sure if anyone cares...if happiness is in a pill or not?
recently surrounding me, there have been many people i consider close, that are perplexed with a common problem... pills. strange when our society changed from one of taking the occasional aspirin for a headache to an electronically lobotomized society so overloaded that we need things to just sleep. a basic function in life.
now, i watch as the mind wraps around the idea that they might need something to help them be 'normal'. its this misconception that makes the concept so ugly. its not to be normal. its to be in control. its the ability to take life by the reins and say 'i may have some freaking issues, but i'll live my damn life and enjoy it and be happy!' but here's the problem. in taking something to fix the problem, they also believe that they are flawed in some way. that's also untrue. we live in a time where stress, anxiety, depression is all so easy to fall into and completely become a slave to. Combine an age where people don't have to really interact with one another, then combine with in the stress to succeed, then push the war, politics, the economy into place.
people are struggling right now as they haven't since the great depression. its hard to just get up in the morning. generation x and y only heard stories about trying to find a job and never having one. and lets face it- When Wal-mart isn't hiring... there's a serious f#@king problem.
pills. ah yes, back to pills. whether the problem stems from some deep trauma in one's past, a chemical imbalance created by one's own brain or circumstances in which your mind just can't work its way out of the downward spiral, its acceptable to ask for help. Now, unlike most, i'm not a fan of over medicating however. Just because lil susie is in highschool and doesn't like it alot, doesn't mean she's depressed. now when lil susie is cutting herself and hiding it (not showing it off with big bandages like kids on jerry springer), she might need some help. The mind is a mystery to us even now.
who is to say its wrong to reach out? shit if more people reached out and tried to find some balance in their lives, there might be less poor bastards walking into schools, hospitals, and work places with guns, at their wits end, unable to think of anything but one last act of outrage, of violence..leaving nothing but bitter regret, pain and despair in their wake.
people have no respect left, we hurt others indiscriminately, and in turn are hurt as well. finding that bud of happiness in life is about doing however you can, fighting for it, and making it yours. if that means popping two pills in the morning, how is it any different from taking a pill because you inherited a condition for heart problems.. they have found the gene for depression. but the age we live in makes it worse by letting us cut ourselves off like this.
like i am right now. i'm writing my feelings out on a computer because its easier to explain it all this way. i am a product of this electronic age. and i'm not alone. more and more of you realize how little you call instead, just text. how even my mother emails me.
pills are not the evil people. in moderation and in case by case basis, people need help, even if its just in producing the chemical that allows one to be balanced, stable and happy. I was unable to have any productive and meaningful bonds with people closest to me until i got a lil therapy and meds on my side. now i have control over the stupid raging beast in side my head. well. more control than i did. its allows me to be a person that can think first, not scream for no reason. it allows me the ability to leash the horrible things i used to spew.
its given me a control that will alone wouldn't give.
that's it. help is help. it doesn't change who you are, just how you take control of your life. if you don't try to change it, you have no right to whine. there it is.
now, i watch as the mind wraps around the idea that they might need something to help them be 'normal'. its this misconception that makes the concept so ugly. its not to be normal. its to be in control. its the ability to take life by the reins and say 'i may have some freaking issues, but i'll live my damn life and enjoy it and be happy!' but here's the problem. in taking something to fix the problem, they also believe that they are flawed in some way. that's also untrue. we live in a time where stress, anxiety, depression is all so easy to fall into and completely become a slave to. Combine an age where people don't have to really interact with one another, then combine with in the stress to succeed, then push the war, politics, the economy into place.
people are struggling right now as they haven't since the great depression. its hard to just get up in the morning. generation x and y only heard stories about trying to find a job and never having one. and lets face it- When Wal-mart isn't hiring... there's a serious f#@king problem.
pills. ah yes, back to pills. whether the problem stems from some deep trauma in one's past, a chemical imbalance created by one's own brain or circumstances in which your mind just can't work its way out of the downward spiral, its acceptable to ask for help. Now, unlike most, i'm not a fan of over medicating however. Just because lil susie is in highschool and doesn't like it alot, doesn't mean she's depressed. now when lil susie is cutting herself and hiding it (not showing it off with big bandages like kids on jerry springer), she might need some help. The mind is a mystery to us even now.
who is to say its wrong to reach out? shit if more people reached out and tried to find some balance in their lives, there might be less poor bastards walking into schools, hospitals, and work places with guns, at their wits end, unable to think of anything but one last act of outrage, of violence..leaving nothing but bitter regret, pain and despair in their wake.
people have no respect left, we hurt others indiscriminately, and in turn are hurt as well. finding that bud of happiness in life is about doing however you can, fighting for it, and making it yours. if that means popping two pills in the morning, how is it any different from taking a pill because you inherited a condition for heart problems.. they have found the gene for depression. but the age we live in makes it worse by letting us cut ourselves off like this.
like i am right now. i'm writing my feelings out on a computer because its easier to explain it all this way. i am a product of this electronic age. and i'm not alone. more and more of you realize how little you call instead, just text. how even my mother emails me.
pills are not the evil people. in moderation and in case by case basis, people need help, even if its just in producing the chemical that allows one to be balanced, stable and happy. I was unable to have any productive and meaningful bonds with people closest to me until i got a lil therapy and meds on my side. now i have control over the stupid raging beast in side my head. well. more control than i did. its allows me to be a person that can think first, not scream for no reason. it allows me the ability to leash the horrible things i used to spew.
its given me a control that will alone wouldn't give.
that's it. help is help. it doesn't change who you are, just how you take control of your life. if you don't try to change it, you have no right to whine. there it is.
Monday, April 6, 2009
been too long
Weeeeeell,
i just got back in town and strangely enough its been one hell of a ride lately. literally. you see it all started when my car broke down. ah yes. then i lose the job. mmmmmm, fodder for the economy is my favorite flavor. so my family being the loving people they are, they remember there's an 83 caprice classic that ran on propane for all but 3000 of its miles sitting at my grandmother's house. it was my grandpa's car. he drove it when he took me fishing at 8 yrs old. he drove it anytime grandma demanded we attend church that Sunday. he was the man that raised me every summer, every other weekend. he taught me to read at 3 and would read my bed time story every night. Soooooo- my family decides to take the car that has been sitting for the last 13 years since his death and fix it up and give it to me. its pristine inside. its almost perfect outside too. no damage.
ok. that is why the following few days have been crazy. in order to get a car from your dead grandpa while the title is still in his name you have to have your grandma (who inherited all his stuff) to fill out 2 different forms, have a copy of her id, have a copy of grandpa's death certificate, showing grandma as his wife surviving, another form for the certificates, a written permission for me to get the death certificate because i'm his gran daughter, not direct daughter. OMFG>......... that's SOOOOO not all.. you pay for a temp tag, then have to get the car inspected and then with aaaaaaaaaaaaall the BS paperwork filled out and ready to go you can FINALLY just register the damn thing in your name!!
the government has overcomplicated the lives of everyone. seriously. my grandma is 81 and doesn't get around well. her hands shake so bad its hard to sign on a line teeeeeeeeeeeny tiiiiiiiiiiny. but hey, they need like three hundred things to prove that i have a right to the car. her being there saying 'give her the damn car!' wouldn't even be enough with out a DNA test and retna scan. Have we totally just submitted to the fact that the proverbial 'Man' really can just run us around like rats in a maze? Or maybe this is our punishment for having abused all other people in this world. Laws are made because morons can't stop from hurting themselves or doing stupid shit, with out a law to tell them its wrong. Warning labels that read 'do not put genitals in blade' are because the population of people in the world have allowed the elite pricks up top to dumb us down over time. Leaving us with nothing more than the need to buy shoes and other nick nack crap just to feel better or because we saw it on TV. FFS..... we have lost our way because we stopped taking responsibility for ourselves and pushed it off on the govt. in return they put a leash on everything we do. we gave away our freedom people!
Hooray for finally being home and hooray for pizza. cuz i saw it on tv.
i just got back in town and strangely enough its been one hell of a ride lately. literally. you see it all started when my car broke down. ah yes. then i lose the job. mmmmmm, fodder for the economy is my favorite flavor. so my family being the loving people they are, they remember there's an 83 caprice classic that ran on propane for all but 3000 of its miles sitting at my grandmother's house. it was my grandpa's car. he drove it when he took me fishing at 8 yrs old. he drove it anytime grandma demanded we attend church that Sunday. he was the man that raised me every summer, every other weekend. he taught me to read at 3 and would read my bed time story every night. Soooooo- my family decides to take the car that has been sitting for the last 13 years since his death and fix it up and give it to me. its pristine inside. its almost perfect outside too. no damage.
ok. that is why the following few days have been crazy. in order to get a car from your dead grandpa while the title is still in his name you have to have your grandma (who inherited all his stuff) to fill out 2 different forms, have a copy of her id, have a copy of grandpa's death certificate, showing grandma as his wife surviving, another form for the certificates, a written permission for me to get the death certificate because i'm his gran daughter, not direct daughter. OMFG>......... that's SOOOOO not all.. you pay for a temp tag, then have to get the car inspected and then with aaaaaaaaaaaaall the BS paperwork filled out and ready to go you can FINALLY just register the damn thing in your name!!
the government has overcomplicated the lives of everyone. seriously. my grandma is 81 and doesn't get around well. her hands shake so bad its hard to sign on a line teeeeeeeeeeeny tiiiiiiiiiiny. but hey, they need like three hundred things to prove that i have a right to the car. her being there saying 'give her the damn car!' wouldn't even be enough with out a DNA test and retna scan. Have we totally just submitted to the fact that the proverbial 'Man' really can just run us around like rats in a maze? Or maybe this is our punishment for having abused all other people in this world. Laws are made because morons can't stop from hurting themselves or doing stupid shit, with out a law to tell them its wrong. Warning labels that read 'do not put genitals in blade' are because the population of people in the world have allowed the elite pricks up top to dumb us down over time. Leaving us with nothing more than the need to buy shoes and other nick nack crap just to feel better or because we saw it on TV. FFS..... we have lost our way because we stopped taking responsibility for ourselves and pushed it off on the govt. in return they put a leash on everything we do. we gave away our freedom people!
Hooray for finally being home and hooray for pizza. cuz i saw it on tv.
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