ok so i was nice....

well i hate to say it, but if ur the evil minded type, i totally pussed yesterday.


HOWEVER. since i'm on the topic, i feel like now and here is a good place to put my thoughts and the story. besides, with out names (i'll use letters instead ) and it being almost 3 years ago now, i can get away with it. to be honest, the story is like something out of fuckin jerry springer, but it really happened and was not funny until like this year. lol

ok. i was 23, met this guy who was 21.. Lets call this guy C. C appeared to be a sweet stoner who had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship. btw. we met online. so we chatted it up for like a few weeks online, finally met up, chilled and got along really well. NOW- here is where my savior syndrome totally kicked in. He was still really hurt inside about the ex cheating on him (we will call her L.) and leaving him for some guy with a kid. so i helped him find a new apt, over 3 or months we hang out, he meets his neighbors, they turn out to be really cool people that we both get along with, i make friends among the group as well. I'm making bank at my job, helping him pay for pretty much everything, including some experimental goodies that he ended up liking too much. During all this time, i've told C that he needs to be sure about dating and make sure he's completely over L before he moves on, otherwise it will just be a mess later. 5 months into knowing each other, he asks me out. i accept.
a few weeks after we are officially dating, instead of just friends with perks, i have a trip to go to vegas with my family., All the children are over 21 for the first time, dad wants to take us all for a great time. we go. that is a TOTALLY different story i'll tell later.

I came back from vegas to C sitting with L, the ex, in her pj's at the apt i was basically paying for. Now. i'll admit, i was way more pissed than i should have been, but i was tired, retarded from being in vegas for 4 days and wtf, i'd asked him to make sure? Needless to say, i lost my shit, called him all kinds of names. came back the next day and cleaned out his apt of anything i had bought for him, including the groceries.

Now here is where my pride led me astray. i was hurt because i had been taking care of someone for that long, helping them back to what i thought was recovery, and here they went behind my back, then in front of all the neighbors we were friends with, denounces me and is back with his ex. it was toally painful. shit man, i was better than that. and i was banking. so i decided to be a lil spiteful and rub it in his face. It was just because it was convenient though. I'm lazy, i dont work even for spite.

so i start coming over to the chick neighbor that i was really good friends with. i party with them at nights, seeing C and L together in the Apt from time to time, since it was next door. I spent money lavishly on the neighbors, buying booze and such for us to party. I was really spiteful man. I mean i felt completely betrayed by someone i had taken down the walls for and totally accepted for the fucked up wreck they were.

here's the thing. I leave one night to go see someone else after being at the neighbors, C and L are standing on their stoop smoking cigs , so i headed straight to my car and just waved as i walked saying 'ya'll have a wonderful night' and got in my car and left.

i get a call. its the neighbor i just left. he's babbling about did i scratch L's car? and i should come bak to straighten this all out. Like i dumbass i did. because i thought sure this was just a mistake. nope. i pull up to C and L standing next to a silver car, she's got her shoulder's back in a classic aggressive pose. so i do likewise. those of you that know me and have faced me know i'm stocky and built like a brick shit house. plus i know karate and taught krav maga. i'm not a pansy. i walk up.

she says i keyed her car, is yelling. he's standing idly by watching. i'm standing at the end of the car, that i just now know is hers (cuz i dont pay attention to freaking detail!). it has several key marks down the side. not just one long one. no. several. ok. just remember that detail.

she demands i hand over my license and insurance info so she can claim it. i tell her to come get it. she yells 'what?! are we in 5th grade??' i calmly tell her 'no, but i'm innocent and thus have the right to refuse you anything i want. i didn't key your car' OK... here's were it got redneck. the country in me came out and we yelled back and forth loud enough for the entire apt complex to hear. finally she says 'Imma take u to court Erikuh an' take all that muney'. ya. shes like trailer park country. i said 'ya know what, fuck this' went to my car and called my sister. told her everything. she says come home.

i went home, waving saying, fuck you guys, this is bs.

the next saturday i get woken up at 9 am by my sister. she says there are policemen at the door and they want to talk to me. i figure they are needing my side of the story for a report. i have my nightmare before christmas pj's on and a hoodie. i come down. we talk, i told him my side. he says 'baby girl, it sounds like you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.. she is just trying to get rid of you. But...... i have a warrant here for your arrest for the charge of felony vandalism. I have to take you in'.

I was arrested. there in front of my home. in my nightmare pj's and hoodie. crying like a lil girl as they cuffed me in front just to be nice to me. two sherrif cars in my driveway. all the neighbors of my nice lil neighborhood are looking out their doors as i'm led to the car. i'm put in the back. they take me to county. they shackle me to a concrete table. around me walk inmates in orange jumpsuits. the kind of people that i used to make sure i avoided in dark alleys. and here i sit in my pjs just quietly crying. They transport me to the City PD. the cop who had taken me in is the one transporting me. he gets me some tissues for nose. he's frowning the whole time. they put me in a small room with once again attach my cuffs to the table. i'm given a paper, told thy just want to ask me some questions and this is saying i dont need a lawyer present. i sign it. i'm still in shock. i'm still wondering 'HOW CAN THEY TAKE ME FROM MY HOUSE WHEN I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?????'

soon as the paper is signed, the investigator says he will be questioning me based on my being guilty. he asks me to tell what happened. i told him. he said weren't you angry? were you the ex? i advise him of the rest of the story. that L is the ex of 3 years, and C was just some kid i picked up and was helping out. that we'd only been dating a month when this all happened. AND that no i wasn't angry, cuz the alleged incident took place 2 WEEKS after we had broken it off.

he says if i just admit i made a mistake, that i was angry and did it, the DA will go easy on me, make me a deal, it will all be ok. I keep crying and telling him, 'Damnit, if i had done it, i would feel bad and tell you, but i DIDN"T and instead i wanna know why you can take me from my home based on the word of some chick?!?!' he keeps at it. finally he leaves the room. i sit.

I'm still stunned when the investigator walks back in. He's now got an older man with him that introduces himself as the other's boss. He tells me 'my detective here says you dont want to cooperate and just admit to your mistake. You know if you do, it will be alot easier on you. The DA will respect your honesty.'

I LAUGHED, maniacally! hysterically! still crying the whole time. I told him again the same thing i had told the other man over and over. How it happened, that i'm not the ex, i was just the rebound screw in between and that i'd freaking admit it if i had done it, but i hadn't so WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY!?!?. he asks if i will take a polygraph, i said 'YES! Please! Right now! anything so i can prove i'm telling the truth!!' he asks if i would take a voice stress test? i said 'Yes! i am not sure what it is, but if it will show that i'm not lying, then yes!' he says 'what if they say you are lying. ' i said well then i dont know, cuz i'm not.' end of conversation. i was transported back to county. i was photographed, fingerprinted and shackled to the table again to wait.

My sister came to my rescue with the bond. My bail was set at $5000, so my bond was $500. seriously. she comes and takes me home. i have nightmares of people coming to take me away. i'm visiting a therapist at this time. i lose my job because of the pending felony that suddenly pops up on my record. i lose the job i was about to take as well because the pending felony popped up. i get turned down by Mcdonalds, taco bell, dairy queen.. all because of a pending felony on my record. they finally advise me its because they figure there's no point in training someone that is going to jail anyways.

months pass, i end up staying with my aunt for a month and then my mom in texas for a month. i can't even be there as they have made it impossible. i come back for the first court date. There are so many dates you have to attend in which you attempt to make a deal or settle. after that it goes to a jury trial. we went to each one. the first one, L testified to the events. if i didn't know i was innocent, i'd have believed her. she had really convinced herself it was the truth. the second, she sat in front of me and my mom and then turned around and Stared at us. WTF??? my mother finally says 'Can i help you?' in her coldest tone and L turns back around.

It comes all the way down to the last court date. the last chance to make a deal. She keeps wanting me to do time, $3000 in restitution to her and probation for like 3 years! we keep offering to pay the so call 'Damages' she got trumped up ($300 of the total cost was to remove decals on the side of her car. seriously trumped up. so long as its over $1000 its a felony and they can arrest you. under that its misdemeanor and just a ticket.)

she wont take the deal. this is the last day. But where is L? she's not there yet and court has already started. The DA approaches me and my lawyer. He states the state doesn't really have case against me and i have evidence in my favor, so if we'll agree to pay what she's claimed as damages, he will drop the charges and i can expunge the event from my record in 6 months. My father is told. He agrees and states he can pay the amount at this very moment!

As daddy pulls out the check book, there comes screeching around the corner L. she's too late. we've already signed the deal. So long as the vicitim is present, the DA has to do what they say, but if they fail to appear, they can make the decision. HA! Fate has saved me. Daddy writes the check, saying he doesn't mind paying a lil blood money, and its closed. As i'm in court and my lawyer is presenting the deal to the judge that was made, you an hear L in the hallway yelling at the DA. its over.

Me, my lawyer, my father, my mother all walk out of the courtroom, walk right past L. I smiled then stepped into the elevator and thought it was over.

Ok. this is seriously the short version of that entire tale. there was more, but it was stupid. since then, C the boy that started all this bs, has tried to contact me. once to give me some long ass letter that was supposed to be an apology and was actually just a run on excuse. again to say he found some letter i had written him in some special box (which i totally picked the lock to for him one night) that he thought no one could get into. and now again. to quote me on my own fucking blog. it was from the pills happiness rant.

Help is help, it doesn't change who you are, just how you take control of your life C wrote 'very well said...' i actually wanted to punch him through the screen. like he was taking my words and applying them to himself, because his excuse for everything is he was sinking and didn't know how else to help himself cept to get back with L.

now i can accept that this is true. helping ones self to get out of your despair is good. BUT, being a total piece of scum, a spineless piece of bullshit, and ungrateful prick doesn't make the method ok. there are better ways of helping ones self. that dont include tearing down the person that just wanted to help and be there.

I WAS SOOOOO PISSED. but then i talked to my bro. and he was like 'dude. if you write back, ur just feeding into his need for attention. he's being an attention whore. just mark him as spam.' he was right. he's the calm one for a reason. so i did. its the last thing i can do, as i have blocked him, erased him and tried to forget him as the only thing i regret doing in my life. all i learned is spite gets you in trouble and dont date younger guys. they are stupid.

i turn 27 in a few days. i think this was my cleansing. :) just another piece of spam now.

just a taste

ok, this is just a taste of what is brewing in my head right now. there's fire, there's brimstone and there's this insatiable need to kick someone. like hard. really hard.

but then i kinda mellow and remember that hating is giving too much of one's self already. not caring at all, is neutral and allows you to spend even less time on said hated thing/person. however.. humans are just not that forgiving! and if they are, they are sitting in some monastery right now chanting. i on the other hand, am good, but not perfect. that being said. i shall postulate my rage into a thought and put it up on here later.

and yae said the lord rants are good.

again a short blog

i'm posting tonight because i'm thinking bout what i'm doing. i'm making art.

ok so i'm also being a slacker. I'm looking for part time work while i'm cooking up my lil art scheme. i think it will sell. we shall see.

but today has been a bad day for lots of people around me it seems. Friends going to Dr's, my own dr appt (i got a dr's note that says i have to lay out in the sun for at least 10 min starting tomorrow. hahahahahah!) relationships and the like. i thought i would finally put down my thoughts on the M word! SCARY!

The M word. well marriage is something i've contemplated a few times (engaged 3 times my friends) and frankly its just not worth it in my mind. cept maybe for the tax breaks. Lately everyone is married around me, although i haven't peeked into the marriages of people i've recently come to talk to again, the ones close to me aren't pretty. My own sister married the wrong man under pressure and it screwed her life for 6 years. other friends find that they are most angry and that they are rethinking marriage right before it happens. Now- there's the thing.

Do you have the jitters and regular doubts of a person making a life commitment? OR

Do you have reasonable doubts and unresolvable conflicts with the person you're about to commit to?

figure that out and everything will be ok. that's it. seriously. but here's the thing. why even do it? ya its fun to shop and get the dress blah blah blah, but its also a butt load of stress and makes for some serious financial cramps. there are ways around all of this. of course. i know this. but in my mind, i don't need a ring to tell me if i'm commit ed to someone. i guess this symbol has been rooted into the minds of lil girls for so long that they MUST have it to know they are loved. WHY???? from what i have seen of the divorce rate amongst our generation, the ring only means they are yours for as long as they are having fun. then poof. things get hard, people split. its just one more legal thing to fuck with. instead, live with someone, get to know them when they are just waking up, have been on a all night binge playing video games and when they are just sitting around completely quiet. its like buying a car before test driving it. compatibility.

if you can live with someone as your best friend as well as love, then why put a label on it. why fix what isn't broke. i only have one personal example of friends that are married and happy as hell. others are just totally vague or blah. the ring makes someone crazy, gives them ideas of owning, they treat one another different under different labels. Hell some chicks treat a guy different soon as he's a boyfriend. instead of adding to the intimacy, they break off a part of their personality that used to talk to that guy like he was an intelligent human being and just wants them to see the nice side of her. GREAT. now you are no longer with a boy friend. just a boy. what was the point in getting to know that person?!?

k i'm done. that's my thoughts. what works for everyone is different, but when you have families on both sides that think living together and thinking as tho we are a permenant thing means the M word.. there's a rant to be had :)

ramblings

just a quick blog tonight. nothing really to say. except i took a lil time off from the world. didn't give out the cell number, signed off the yim and watched nothing but internet for like 4 days straight. all the while i'm cracking software to create my new lil idea. my toon called stitches... he will be my legacy, my design to a future free from working a mundane job. and i know i can sell him, so its going to be fun. but i ramble-


i'm currently being inspired and the means isn't other people for once. for once it comes from just being alone. its this need to take off the corporate mask i have created to 'fit in' that drives me, but a deeper sense of loss of self is what drives the creativity. i dunno, i am just one of those people that would rather have blue hair till i'm 55 than be just another customer service bitch. so i will create. creation be my madness so that i may carve out a living from the depraved sense of humor the world has given me. strange and awry, this cute but disturbing humor can finally give purpose to my jack of all trades nature.


outside of this, i'm having these fantastic dreams of this red and black city complex that contains everyone i've ever known and then some. connections to people i had all but forgotten have come rushing back in odd memories mixed with lush fantasy. too many drugs? or just my own mind drawing some of the wildness back from times passed, showing me what i miss most. there's an ember in the flames. now i just have to pluck it and set it ablaze. oh. and i think i want to visit texas. the parents offered. and theres lots of people i'd like to reconnect with. interesting how that works. maybe a side trip to dallas. take a few free t shirts with me to promote my new line. lol. we shall see.


for now deep breaths filtered by water and the night time pills. hooray.

i'm not sure if anyone cares...if happiness is in a pill or not?

recently surrounding me, there have been many people i consider close, that are perplexed with a common problem... pills. strange when our society changed from one of taking the occasional aspirin for a headache to an electronically lobotomized society so overloaded that we need things to just sleep. a basic function in life.


now, i watch as the mind wraps around the idea that they might need something to help them be 'normal'. its this misconception that makes the concept so ugly. its not to be normal. its to be in control. its the ability to take life by the reins and say 'i may have some freaking issues, but i'll live my damn life and enjoy it and be happy!' but here's the problem. in taking something to fix the problem, they also believe that they are flawed in some way. that's also untrue. we live in a time where stress, anxiety, depression is all so easy to fall into and completely become a slave to. Combine an age where people don't have to really interact with one another, then combine with in the stress to succeed, then push the war, politics, the economy into place.

people are struggling right now as they haven't since the great depression. its hard to just get up in the morning. generation x and y only heard stories about trying to find a job and never having one. and lets face it- When Wal-mart isn't hiring... there's a serious f#@king problem.

pills. ah yes, back to pills. whether the problem stems from some deep trauma in one's past, a chemical imbalance created by one's own brain or circumstances in which your mind just can't work its way out of the downward spiral, its acceptable to ask for help. Now, unlike most, i'm not a fan of over medicating however. Just because lil susie is in highschool and doesn't like it alot, doesn't mean she's depressed. now when lil susie is cutting herself and hiding it (not showing it off with big bandages like kids on jerry springer), she might need some help. The mind is a mystery to us even now.

who is to say its wrong to reach out? shit if more people reached out and tried to find some balance in their lives, there might be less poor bastards walking into schools, hospitals, and work places with guns, at their wits end, unable to think of anything but one last act of outrage, of violence..leaving nothing but bitter regret, pain and despair in their wake.

people have no respect left, we hurt others indiscriminately, and in turn are hurt as well. finding that bud of happiness in life is about doing however you can, fighting for it, and making it yours. if that means popping two pills in the morning, how is it any different from taking a pill because you inherited a condition for heart problems.. they have found the gene for depression. but the age we live in makes it worse by letting us cut ourselves off like this.
like i am right now. i'm writing my feelings out on a computer because its easier to explain it all this way. i am a product of this electronic age. and i'm not alone. more and more of you realize how little you call instead, just text. how even my mother emails me.

pills are not the evil people. in moderation and in case by case basis, people need help, even if its just in producing the chemical that allows one to be balanced, stable and happy. I was unable to have any productive and meaningful bonds with people closest to me until i got a lil therapy and meds on my side. now i have control over the stupid raging beast in side my head. well. more control than i did. its allows me to be a person that can think first, not scream for no reason. it allows me the ability to leash the horrible things i used to spew.
its given me a control that will alone wouldn't give.

that's it. help is help. it doesn't change who you are, just how you take control of your life. if you don't try to change it, you have no right to whine. there it is.

been too long

Weeeeeell,

i just got back in town and strangely enough its been one hell of a ride lately. literally. you see it all started when my car broke down. ah yes. then i lose the job. mmmmmm, fodder for the economy is my favorite flavor. so my family being the loving people they are, they remember there's an 83 caprice classic that ran on propane for all but 3000 of its miles sitting at my grandmother's house. it was my grandpa's car. he drove it when he took me fishing at 8 yrs old. he drove it anytime grandma demanded we attend church that Sunday. he was the man that raised me every summer, every other weekend. he taught me to read at 3 and would read my bed time story every night. Soooooo- my family decides to take the car that has been sitting for the last 13 years since his death and fix it up and give it to me. its pristine inside. its almost perfect outside too. no damage.

ok. that is why the following few days have been crazy. in order to get a car from your dead grandpa while the title is still in his name you have to have your grandma (who inherited all his stuff) to fill out 2 different forms, have a copy of her id, have a copy of grandpa's death certificate, showing grandma as his wife surviving, another form for the certificates, a written permission for me to get the death certificate because i'm his gran daughter, not direct daughter. OMFG>......... that's SOOOOO not all.. you pay for a temp tag, then have to get the car inspected and then with aaaaaaaaaaaaall the BS paperwork filled out and ready to go you can FINALLY just register the damn thing in your name!!

the government has overcomplicated the lives of everyone. seriously. my grandma is 81 and doesn't get around well. her hands shake so bad its hard to sign on a line teeeeeeeeeeeny tiiiiiiiiiiny. but hey, they need like three hundred things to prove that i have a right to the car. her being there saying 'give her the damn car!' wouldn't even be enough with out a DNA test and retna scan. Have we totally just submitted to the fact that the proverbial 'Man' really can just run us around like rats in a maze? Or maybe this is our punishment for having abused all other people in this world. Laws are made because morons can't stop from hurting themselves or doing stupid shit, with out a law to tell them its wrong. Warning labels that read 'do not put genitals in blade' are because the population of people in the world have allowed the elite pricks up top to dumb us down over time. Leaving us with nothing more than the need to buy shoes and other nick nack crap just to feel better or because we saw it on TV. FFS..... we have lost our way because we stopped taking responsibility for ourselves and pushed it off on the govt. in return they put a leash on everything we do. we gave away our freedom people!

Hooray for finally being home and hooray for pizza. cuz i saw it on tv.