maybe not so morbid?

so maybe this time i can write without being so morbid?

lets see- our septic tank backed up and we went without water for basically 4 days. because of that, we don't have the money for our bills. we've had family in town lately. which has been interesting. i love my mother, but sometimes its hard to have her around for a long time. my aunt, on the other hand, is really fun. she is the mother of my soul :)

outside of that, Marcus. Oh Marcus, my boy. he's crawled a few steps! he gets up on hands and knees and kinda launches himself forward. its adorable. he's having a hard time right now. he's teething something fierce. he's not eating a whole bottle alot of the time. also, he's chewing on anything in sight (including his entire hand at once) and drooling like there's no tomorrow! he runs a fever slightly from time to time. nothing severe tho. his 6 month dr appointment is tomorrow. i can't wait to see how much he's grown. he's in 9 months clothes these days. and his eyes are still very very blue. my mother is thrilled with that.

so how is motherhood, you ask? its wonderful on a whole. there are lil things that tend to wear on me. but that is just sleep deprivation combined with getting used to having someone you instinctively put before yourself at all times. when he's crying and there's nothing i can do to soothe him, i find myself annoyed. then i remember he's the one in pain and i just want to cuddle him more. the only thing that truly vexes me is trying to find the balance between taking care of him and taking care of everything else. i have to clean, cook, pick up, care for the dog and the cat, care for our garden.... and somewhere in there, make time for me? ha. not to mention, i'm trying to find work online so i can work from home. may even try to do some medical transcription courses online so i can do so.

really the only reason i'm constantly angry is mostly at our circumstances. there's things going on in the family still that are making matters worse. its hard to find a way to get everything back into some semblance of harmony. so here i wait. i dont have the authority to complete these tasks as i'd like. so i wait. i nudge. i hint. i try to help. but i find myself angry.

my best friend told me that my problem was i only saw the possibilities of life as it is, or life as i picture it. nothing in between, thus ruling out other possibilities completely. she's right. its time to get some new perspective on what i can make of this life. so that's it for the moment. i'm not so morbid anymore. just angry. at a world i cannot seem to change.

a much needed update

life is just so busy right now.

i seem to be repeating that phrase over and over to everyone that asks me what's wrong.

i'm overcome right now. the only thing keeping me going is my son and my ability to disassociate. lets start from the beginning shall we?

a month ago, my mother in law passed away. now here's where most people would insert all the snipey mother in law jokes. not this girl. my mother in law lived next door (well across the field from us). we saw her every week. she was nana to our son. mother to my love. and a mother to me. i never thought i could get so close to someone's mom in just 3 years. but it was my honor and privilege to know her. she was the most laid back, practical, funny, sweet, loving and real woman i've met outside my own family. i loved her the moment i met her and vice versa. she told me she didn't mind that i'd had a son (she wanted a girl sooo bad). that she had gained a daughter in me. her death was devistating. my man was there. i was watching from our porch as she died. its taken a real toll on all of us.

dealing with this took over our lives for over 2 weeks. its still day to day sometimes. but i had to be strong so my man could grieve. taking care of our son, taking care of the house, taking care of the brand new puppy that came from his mother. dont forget the cat. and our bills. and the shopping. and the cooking. its gotten better now. tho i've just stopped cooking for a while, and had to take almost a week to catch up on the laundry alone.

then another tragedy. someone i love miscarried in her 19th week. i was there for all of it. i felt so guilty that i had this perfect child, that there were women out there right now aborting kids they didn't want, but my T. couldn't have a kid she wanted with everything in her. its not right. didn't seem fair. still doesn't. there are so many kids out there unwanted and unloved. why take away one that would be cherished and brought up with love? how can people have faith that this is a plan of some whimsical god??? why would he take the good people away? leave all the assholes behind to screw over the weak? why must the children suffer most?

i once said that i had nightmares about bringing a child into a world that i've hated for so long. every day, something horrible happens to prove my fears are grounded in reality. the world is an ugly and hateful place. the beauty and the good things are so few and far between most of the time. its true. we appreciate them so much more because of the shit we go thru all the time. but i could appreciate a lil more happiness and a lot less shit just as well.

otherwise. the baby is teething. just as we had him on a schedule and happy, the tooth fairy comes and f$%ks everything up! he's been in so much pain, so the infant tylenol and orajel are his best friend right now. frozen wash clothes, frozen teethers....restless nights and baby cries. its horrible cuz i can't do anything but try to help. and he's usually such a happy baby, its hard to see him in pain.

i think i need to start writing weekly. it helps to put everything down instead of letting it run circles in my head. i'm not even going to go into the rest of the things i worry about constantly. maybe in another rant.

so when i say things have busy, i basically mean that everything has fallen down around me and i'm just barely keeping my head above water. busy busy busy....