disconnect myself....

the computer makes me feel connected, but i'm empty on this side of the screen... paint a pretty picture and smile. i'm fine :)


i put that as a status for my FB today. then i realized just how true that is. i had a good convo with an old old friend today as well. one thing i can say for marcus, he really pulls out all the stops when he makes a change. good thing it was an old friend too, since there are very few people that can listen to my current opinion of god/s at the moment without giving me some kind of god bs in return. and before any of your heads pop off, i dont mean any disrespect, but for fuck sake, the powers that be have taken everything good in my life over the last 2 years and turned it to shite. tell me how to have faith in a world that does nothing but descimate and destroy all that is good and beautiful and innocent.

if the world does end next year, i'm not too sure i wont have a party for it. in fact, i know i'll have a party. that way if i go, we all go together! ha. but then it would take a year for even knowing. that's one hell of a long distance suicide.

today i felt numb. cept for a few times. once in the shower, just smelling the body wash i used on marcus. i fell apart at the scent, wishing like hell i could sit in teh shower floor and wash his hair once more. there are so many effing kids out there that are treated like shite on a regular basis. but no, they survive. while my angel on ravens wings is taken away. i can never haveh im again. that alone cuts me in two, severing every nerve, every part of my heart, every part of my soul into tiny little pieces that wither away into dust. i can't see the good right now because not only have we lost our only son, but the lawyers and the stupid ex step dad in law fucker is trying to bend us over as well. no lube. no reach around. just 'here you are desperate, take this shit end deal that fucks you and your family out of precious assets, but We get paid!'

i gave the lawyer a simple request. if he's good, he'll make it into a case. i could ffs. i've read up on lexus nexus for months now on tn law. he seems to be slow to the draw and a money grubbing asshole. they all are. and i calculated our funds. wtih donations included, once the funeral is paid off and the eletric paid, we'll have 200.

this is life. worrying about money and making other people happy while wanting nothing more than to carve his name in my flesh and scream with rage. they'd commit me. i'd commit me if i thought i was actually foolish enough to hurt myself anymore. well, we are being honest here, so i can tell you. the only reason i haven't carved is because i promised my fiance i wouldn't. that's it. my word to him. we've not lied to one another ever, no reason to start hiding things now. i'm enjoying the use of seemingly double negatives that aren't. :)

that was a total tangent. the point is, i'm either going to have to talk this out, carve it out, scream it out, write it out, create it out, or D:all the above. i have a fear its all the above. but i can't create right now. nor scream without someone having a fit and worrying

so what to do. breath in, breath out, smoke, and curl my hair until i burn my forehead and find myself wondering if i should leave the iron there a moment longer. that's what this pain is. never ending, unfathomable, so deep and sorrowful, it makes you numb to everythign else. nothing seems to even come close to edge of this deep abyss of turmoil, chaos, hatred, anger, sadness, selfishness, grief and guilt. its a brew best never drunk at all, but if one must, take it all in one shot. because a two year bender has me all but ODing on my pills.

and still i have to worry about money. so i have to worry about going back to work. finding legit work instead? i'd rather not. however, my own work isn't conducive to my current relationship and will further create problems if not avoided. how to make it and explain why i need it? why i need the time to do something i dont have to think about, that has nothing to do with my precious baby that i found so very blue...just that thought. just that alone and i want to die. just finding him and holding his cold body. he smelled of death. Why? why did it have to be my sweet boy? i know there isn't an answer on the lips of any person in the world. i know that all i can do is keep going. but to what end? so that i can do it all again? what if the same thing happens? that's the only thing the powers that be can throw at me now that is harder than this. they can't TOUCH me after this. i'll kill my heart before i ever go thru this again. everyone kept saying i will change my mind, i'll want more. they can suck on my non exsistant ballsack. that boy and i connected, mind, body, soul. i felt his first heart beats, his first movements, felt the moment he was aware.. no matter what, i could set aside my bs for him. no matter what i could be his happy momma to play with. yet i'm frozen with fear and grief and that sadness that prevades and overwhelms...

my baby.
i miss you.
so very very much.
ijust want to hold you one last time
in the rocking chair
and tell you it will all be alright..
but it wont. and i couldn't keep you safe.
i'm so sorry my baby boy.
i love you so much.
my baby.

"i wanna disconnect myself.. pull my brainstem out and unplug myself.." -rollins band

maybe then i can paint on my happy face and tell everyone just how 'fine' i am.

aint no sunshine when he's gone..

the beautiful people

a lady never ever breaks under pressure, nor shows negative emotion at any time.

well i'm not a lady. i'm just a lump of flesh breathing the air around me. my seriously deeply sullen and morbid fixation is bothering my mate, but i assure him i'm fine... because in a way, i guess i am. i'm not jumping off a bridge or hurting myself in any way. i'm slightly self destructive in small ways, but nothing drastic. hell i'm not even cutting myself. that has to say in some tiny smidge of a way that i'm coping better than 5 years ago. but why? bcause right now i'm desolate, however, not pathetic. empty but unable to let the eff go. that's about the jist right? how can you explain hating everything around you, loving everyone around you and simultaniously wanting to die at the same time? its fucking ridiculous. but completely accurate.

i can't even go to effing walmart without crying, seeing some mother carrying her kiddo to the car. i just bust out. i cry my ass off because i know i'll never get to hold him like that again and just bury my face in his hair, inhaling his scent. that is the kind of thing that makes me hate this place. hate everything. i was fucking miserable before. i have been tolerably miserable my entire life. so now what? nothing is different. the one thing that changed it all is gone. with him he took all that i was.

someone told me to ask 'what now' well i do. and all i see is a life without his smile in the morning and his calling for me when he falls down. all i see is a life empty. if this fucked wound ever begins to heal, all i will be left with is a misery that can't be touched. i've already iced it for self preservation. otherwise i'd be pulling out my hair, cutting at myself and screaming from the top of my lungs 'GIVE HIM FUCKING BACK!'. but i'm not.

i dont know how to act. i dont know how to just be. but i'm pretty sure any way i act is probably damn acceptable. everyone grieves different? so what if my way is a bottle of moscato, pantera, and a blog. screw it. i dont have a way to grieve. i just seem to keep losing. i'm on the losing side and waiting to find out we're the good guys...we are the good guys... right?

it can't rain all the time...but it can be blue....

But it sure as hell feels like it will. i feel like its only been a day or two. finding out it had been over aweek freaked me out. it was like some mad editor had gotten ahold of the film of my life. and now he was rakishly running through and around and over parts that were supposed to be meaningful, to be forever.

it was supposed to be forever. that's the real kick in the face. you plan EVERYTHING around the small life that is granted you. the life that you nourished and protected and sustained for 9 effing months. that life that is so quickly gone. without even so much as an utterance. no sound at all. all is quiet now. everything is quiet. even the future. finding direction is like throwing a dart at a board of 'shit to do'. it has nothing to do with me anymore. without him. we had this five year plan to move so we could put him in private school. i'd have my graphic design business going well from home, jason moved up in work and we'd be happy.

in the two seconds it took me to turn him over and see his blue little face, my entire life was shattered. i can't explain the inner pain, but just the little things hurt the most...

he had hid my diary from me. i found it later with a toy next to it, as his little signature to say 'hahah mommy, i did it'. i cried until my sides hurt. until i was nothing but a wet shirt front and a ball of misery.

i took a shower. when i was pregnant, i had to sing to him to keep him from throwing us off balance. so i made up a song. to the classic tune i'll be so blue without you....' i'd be so bluuuuuuuuee, marcus... without you... I'd be so bluuuuuuuee, marcus...without you.... when i hold you in my arms, you will never come to harm.... i'll be so blue, blue marcus... with out you...' i sat in the shower and cried as i sang it over and over. my embrace didn't save him. i never thought i'd have to face the day he died before me. and blue can't describe the amount of darkness, emptiness, anger, misery, and sadness that i truly feel. but it will have to do..

because marcus....i am so very very blue without you.....i miss you baby....

the service

it was lovely. at least three estranged family members came and made peace. J and i both spoke without falling completely apart. a lot of crying. a lot of sobbing. a lot of darkness... no more light...it went well.

as well as the funeral for your infant son Can go. my angel is gone. he now rests in a tiny plastic box until his final urn is made and ready. a lock of hair and some ashes. that's what i have left of my baby. he was utterly perfect and just overwhelming awesome. not in the surfer lingo 'awesome', but as in to create 'Awe' in someone from the incredibility.

Fair of hair and eye, my sweet sweet babe. over a year and half, he easily became my son, my moon, my stars. my very morning ritual started with filling his bottle and starting his oatmeal (with cream and fruit) along with the coffee... now? i dont have a reason to get out of bed. there is nothing left inside me. i'm empty and devoid of care for anything or anyone else. i am appreciative, grateful and humbled. but otherwise can only feel the gaping hole that was my heart.

its like someone took from the top of my breasts and hollowed out my torso. a gaping maw of a wound, scraped clean with dirty knives, my everything died in that moment. the pain is physical... from a dull ache to a sharp unrelenting pain that doubles me over.

i live that moment over and over. turning him over in the crib to find him blue and cold....... i can't do it yet. i can't think about it withotu losing it.

WHY??? WTF did i DO? WHY MY BABY????? I loved him with all that i was. he made me into a new person. he made me want to be a better person. now all i want is pain, some kind of physical pain to match the pain in my chest. i want my baby boy back. i want this stupid fucking world to stop taking the ones i love. i want to understand how this can be ok!?!?! A sweet innocent child, WHY THE FUCK DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM??????? you answer me that, God or gods, or what ever the hell is out there. you have destroyed everything i've loved over the course of many years, but now... now i have even less to lose than before.

the only thing that keeps me tethered here is : a) i wouldn't give this pain to my own mother. i wouldn't give it to my worst enemy (cept one person i can think of). b) the support and overwhelming response from my friends and family. i really didn't know or think that many people loves us. as much as i hate the world, i can't leave J to face it alone. and i wont ask him to leave it with me. so i guess we're stuck here until we find some small bit of joy again..... just to have it snatched away....





donation button below. thank you for reading my words.

As you know, we lost our sunshine

We lost our sunshine and now are laying him to rest with a service to honor him. Service will be held Sunday July 10th, 2011 at Wilkinson and Wiseman Funeral Home in Portland TN. at 2pm. all are welcome. all are loved. thank you for your thoughts and prayers. below i will place a button where donations can be made to aide in funeral costs....