disconnect myself....

the computer makes me feel connected, but i'm empty on this side of the screen... paint a pretty picture and smile. i'm fine :)


i put that as a status for my FB today. then i realized just how true that is. i had a good convo with an old old friend today as well. one thing i can say for marcus, he really pulls out all the stops when he makes a change. good thing it was an old friend too, since there are very few people that can listen to my current opinion of god/s at the moment without giving me some kind of god bs in return. and before any of your heads pop off, i dont mean any disrespect, but for fuck sake, the powers that be have taken everything good in my life over the last 2 years and turned it to shite. tell me how to have faith in a world that does nothing but descimate and destroy all that is good and beautiful and innocent.

if the world does end next year, i'm not too sure i wont have a party for it. in fact, i know i'll have a party. that way if i go, we all go together! ha. but then it would take a year for even knowing. that's one hell of a long distance suicide.

today i felt numb. cept for a few times. once in the shower, just smelling the body wash i used on marcus. i fell apart at the scent, wishing like hell i could sit in teh shower floor and wash his hair once more. there are so many effing kids out there that are treated like shite on a regular basis. but no, they survive. while my angel on ravens wings is taken away. i can never haveh im again. that alone cuts me in two, severing every nerve, every part of my heart, every part of my soul into tiny little pieces that wither away into dust. i can't see the good right now because not only have we lost our only son, but the lawyers and the stupid ex step dad in law fucker is trying to bend us over as well. no lube. no reach around. just 'here you are desperate, take this shit end deal that fucks you and your family out of precious assets, but We get paid!'

i gave the lawyer a simple request. if he's good, he'll make it into a case. i could ffs. i've read up on lexus nexus for months now on tn law. he seems to be slow to the draw and a money grubbing asshole. they all are. and i calculated our funds. wtih donations included, once the funeral is paid off and the eletric paid, we'll have 200.

this is life. worrying about money and making other people happy while wanting nothing more than to carve his name in my flesh and scream with rage. they'd commit me. i'd commit me if i thought i was actually foolish enough to hurt myself anymore. well, we are being honest here, so i can tell you. the only reason i haven't carved is because i promised my fiance i wouldn't. that's it. my word to him. we've not lied to one another ever, no reason to start hiding things now. i'm enjoying the use of seemingly double negatives that aren't. :)

that was a total tangent. the point is, i'm either going to have to talk this out, carve it out, scream it out, write it out, create it out, or D:all the above. i have a fear its all the above. but i can't create right now. nor scream without someone having a fit and worrying

so what to do. breath in, breath out, smoke, and curl my hair until i burn my forehead and find myself wondering if i should leave the iron there a moment longer. that's what this pain is. never ending, unfathomable, so deep and sorrowful, it makes you numb to everythign else. nothing seems to even come close to edge of this deep abyss of turmoil, chaos, hatred, anger, sadness, selfishness, grief and guilt. its a brew best never drunk at all, but if one must, take it all in one shot. because a two year bender has me all but ODing on my pills.

and still i have to worry about money. so i have to worry about going back to work. finding legit work instead? i'd rather not. however, my own work isn't conducive to my current relationship and will further create problems if not avoided. how to make it and explain why i need it? why i need the time to do something i dont have to think about, that has nothing to do with my precious baby that i found so very blue...just that thought. just that alone and i want to die. just finding him and holding his cold body. he smelled of death. Why? why did it have to be my sweet boy? i know there isn't an answer on the lips of any person in the world. i know that all i can do is keep going. but to what end? so that i can do it all again? what if the same thing happens? that's the only thing the powers that be can throw at me now that is harder than this. they can't TOUCH me after this. i'll kill my heart before i ever go thru this again. everyone kept saying i will change my mind, i'll want more. they can suck on my non exsistant ballsack. that boy and i connected, mind, body, soul. i felt his first heart beats, his first movements, felt the moment he was aware.. no matter what, i could set aside my bs for him. no matter what i could be his happy momma to play with. yet i'm frozen with fear and grief and that sadness that prevades and overwhelms...

my baby.
i miss you.
so very very much.
ijust want to hold you one last time
in the rocking chair
and tell you it will all be alright..
but it wont. and i couldn't keep you safe.
i'm so sorry my baby boy.
i love you so much.
my baby.

"i wanna disconnect myself.. pull my brainstem out and unplug myself.." -rollins band

maybe then i can paint on my happy face and tell everyone just how 'fine' i am.