its been a while since i last wrote. lots of lil updates.
first off, i'm now at 21 weeks. i have a hard poochi belly that contains my unborn, soccer star son. :) he's all about kicking me. really. and i've been informed that heart burn indicates a full head of hair, so our kid should have a freaking afro. hahah.
so i've now talked to even my grandma about the baby. she was actually pissed at me that she wasn't the second person to know! my religious grandmother is thrilled that i'm pregnant and happy. i couldn't have gotten better news :) she was asking me about things i needed. and i realized. i had never thought about stuff like this?!
i was never the little girl to dream of a big house, lots of kids and etc etc... i was more a penthouse apt in the city type of dreamer :) however, did you know there is so much stuff you need?????
a high chair? is that required? and why are mom and grandma both offering to get one?
a carseat, but wait it has to match the car interior and become a carrier when you take it out.
a stroller.. shit i forgot about that one
a theme for the nursery and the baby shower...
now that last one. i actually have under control :) DR Seuss. its perfect. no pastels, totally wicked crazy rhyming, awesome toons and cool options to paint the walls. i'm putting toons on the walls. oh yes i am. :) the one fish,two fish; cat in the hat; green eggs and ham; star belly sneeches; etc... lots of stripes, black and white... red blue and yellow. fits us and a kiddo.
my sister is planning the baby shower. i've been just looking online for sources. like when do you hold a shower? who the hell am i inviting. i don't have a lot of girl friends.. only like 2 locally and 6 i talk to online. and they are spread out! all over the nation.. so uh.... guys don't do this kind of stuff. damn. lol
still every day, the clock keeps ticking and the kid gets bigger in my tummy. i feel him moving, i feel him rolling over at night. its so odd to feel so at peace and yet so freaked out at the same time. i never thot i'd be this person, but now that i am, i can't imagine not taking this jump, feeling these things. the clock keeps ticking and i'm looking forward to what it has in store..
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Here's to great mothers!
HUGE UPDATE:
i finally got the balls to call my mom today. woke up and decided to call her before i got nervous about it.
so i call up, she asks what i'm up to, i ask if she's sitting down cuz i have some news. i tell her i'm pregnant. Total silence. then she asked how far along i am. i tell her and the conversation starts up. she was happy for me!
Seriously i was freaking for nothing. here i was thinking she would disown me, when in fact she was the most awesome, accepting mom. she was excited, looked at the ultrasound i emailed her, was asking about the name, really liked it as well. She wants me to go get some comfy clothes, and offered to come help with the house. Was askin if i had felt him kick yet or how i was feeling, giving me tips to keep my feet from swelling.... i cried. like a lil girl. at the acceptance of my mom. it meant so much to me. having her there with me during this time. its huge to me.
i wanted her by my side for all of this. her knowledge and support mean the world to me. now truly everyone knows and we can all be happy. all that is left is to be healthy, fix the nursery and love our baby. Today we discussed nutrition and excercise. everyday is actually bliss. well if i could just get my skin to chill the hell out. i'm uber sensitive to allergins right now, so anything sets me off.
but i digress... i'm happy. i realized last night, with out my meds, even itchy as hell and prego, every day is happy as hell for me. Jason and i are so very happy its not even funny. planning for the kiddo has been awesome. we know we're gonna be the 'cool' parents, the ones that go to the concerts with their early teen, and goes to art openings.. heh. the parents that look good in black and take our boy to the skate park... i dunno. i'm actually excited to be a mom and love a child as much as my mother loved me.
now everyone knows. my aunt that i call my second mom has already called to say she would be having lil marcus to her house soon as he was 3 or so, that she might be old but she's still cool. lol i'm so hapy. my family is happy, my grandmother is happy to see her first great grandbaby. My aunt is already askin if i need help decorating the baby's room and mom is offering to come stay with us and help me a lil.
life is good. now if lil marcus would stop kicking me in the bladder and kidney. lol at least he's an active lil bugger.
So, here's to hoping i'm a great mom and here's to my mom that has offered her support and love!
i finally got the balls to call my mom today. woke up and decided to call her before i got nervous about it.
so i call up, she asks what i'm up to, i ask if she's sitting down cuz i have some news. i tell her i'm pregnant. Total silence. then she asked how far along i am. i tell her and the conversation starts up. she was happy for me!
Seriously i was freaking for nothing. here i was thinking she would disown me, when in fact she was the most awesome, accepting mom. she was excited, looked at the ultrasound i emailed her, was asking about the name, really liked it as well. She wants me to go get some comfy clothes, and offered to come help with the house. Was askin if i had felt him kick yet or how i was feeling, giving me tips to keep my feet from swelling.... i cried. like a lil girl. at the acceptance of my mom. it meant so much to me. having her there with me during this time. its huge to me.
i wanted her by my side for all of this. her knowledge and support mean the world to me. now truly everyone knows and we can all be happy. all that is left is to be healthy, fix the nursery and love our baby. Today we discussed nutrition and excercise. everyday is actually bliss. well if i could just get my skin to chill the hell out. i'm uber sensitive to allergins right now, so anything sets me off.
but i digress... i'm happy. i realized last night, with out my meds, even itchy as hell and prego, every day is happy as hell for me. Jason and i are so very happy its not even funny. planning for the kiddo has been awesome. we know we're gonna be the 'cool' parents, the ones that go to the concerts with their early teen, and goes to art openings.. heh. the parents that look good in black and take our boy to the skate park... i dunno. i'm actually excited to be a mom and love a child as much as my mother loved me.
now everyone knows. my aunt that i call my second mom has already called to say she would be having lil marcus to her house soon as he was 3 or so, that she might be old but she's still cool. lol i'm so hapy. my family is happy, my grandmother is happy to see her first great grandbaby. My aunt is already askin if i need help decorating the baby's room and mom is offering to come stay with us and help me a lil.
life is good. now if lil marcus would stop kicking me in the bladder and kidney. lol at least he's an active lil bugger.
So, here's to hoping i'm a great mom and here's to my mom that has offered her support and love!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
huge realization....
Today was the second appointment with the Doc, and the ultrasound. SO!
as you can see, this is little Marcus Alexander, his head laying to the left, viewing him from the side, in fetal position, sucking his thumb. AAAAh! now, major revelation! I'm actually 19 weeks along already.
Holy mother, that means i was prego when i went to bonnaroo, when i went to texas, etc. due date has now been changed to January 15th 2010. and yes, we're sure its a boy, apparently his lil parts are already very visible. lol. the fiance swears the kiddo takes after him. uh huh ^_^
However, this was a big day. i think up till now it was just a thought. but when i saw the nurse push on my tummy, saw the movement on the screen and saw lil Marcus squirm in response, it was incredible. i instantly had tears in my eyes, cuz i finally knew, KNEW, that he was there, in my stomach. a healthy, 10 ounce baby growing at the right rate... in ME. me, the eternal evil bad girl, the 'i can do it harder and faster than you can' girl... all of a sudden i'm sitting there thinking about when he will be walking, then growing out his hair, should i have a brother or sister for him, who will he look like?.. so many things at once. it was suddenly very very real.
now i know, i should have taken this serious from the go, but to be honest, i just couldn't imagine anything close to this feeling. of knowing you have life growing in you. before the thought was one filled with terror for me. Now its something i can't imagine missing out on.
Now, there's still the problem of telling my mom. The fiance's job isn't on lock down yet and i'mn obviously not working either. we are getting state help (What? i'm not too proud to say that. welfare doesn't equal white trash >:P ) however, that's not the ideal conditions and my mother will have a freaking fit. in fact, i'd be more worried to tell her if i was still in the first trimester. She has influence over me that no person should. she can make me want to jump off a building at the drop of a hat. i'm actually kinda worried about what she will say/do. i mean ,this is the same woman that disowned me for almost 2 months over my Myspace page. ya.
I guess in all it doesn't matter. this was our decision and i wouldn't change it for the world. I'm surprisingly not showing too much for being at 19 weeks, then again i was fluffy to start. lol. either way, i'm so stoked, i can't even explain. Now that we know its a boy, tomorrow we're starting on the nursery. We've decided to stay far far away from pastels. Red, black and white with blue and yellow... apparently the first colors a baby can see are red and black. gee, could it be because its previous decore was nothing but? lol none the less, we're commited to have a kid, but not turning into the mush we've seen so many others liquify into. having a kiddo rock style.
now that's brutal ^_^
as you can see, this is little Marcus Alexander, his head laying to the left, viewing him from the side, in fetal position, sucking his thumb. AAAAh! now, major revelation! I'm actually 19 weeks along already.
Holy mother, that means i was prego when i went to bonnaroo, when i went to texas, etc. due date has now been changed to January 15th 2010. and yes, we're sure its a boy, apparently his lil parts are already very visible. lol. the fiance swears the kiddo takes after him. uh huh ^_^
However, this was a big day. i think up till now it was just a thought. but when i saw the nurse push on my tummy, saw the movement on the screen and saw lil Marcus squirm in response, it was incredible. i instantly had tears in my eyes, cuz i finally knew, KNEW, that he was there, in my stomach. a healthy, 10 ounce baby growing at the right rate... in ME. me, the eternal evil bad girl, the 'i can do it harder and faster than you can' girl... all of a sudden i'm sitting there thinking about when he will be walking, then growing out his hair, should i have a brother or sister for him, who will he look like?.. so many things at once. it was suddenly very very real.
now i know, i should have taken this serious from the go, but to be honest, i just couldn't imagine anything close to this feeling. of knowing you have life growing in you. before the thought was one filled with terror for me. Now its something i can't imagine missing out on.
Now, there's still the problem of telling my mom. The fiance's job isn't on lock down yet and i'mn obviously not working either. we are getting state help (What? i'm not too proud to say that. welfare doesn't equal white trash >:P ) however, that's not the ideal conditions and my mother will have a freaking fit. in fact, i'd be more worried to tell her if i was still in the first trimester. She has influence over me that no person should. she can make me want to jump off a building at the drop of a hat. i'm actually kinda worried about what she will say/do. i mean ,this is the same woman that disowned me for almost 2 months over my Myspace page. ya.
I guess in all it doesn't matter. this was our decision and i wouldn't change it for the world. I'm surprisingly not showing too much for being at 19 weeks, then again i was fluffy to start. lol. either way, i'm so stoked, i can't even explain. Now that we know its a boy, tomorrow we're starting on the nursery. We've decided to stay far far away from pastels. Red, black and white with blue and yellow... apparently the first colors a baby can see are red and black. gee, could it be because its previous decore was nothing but? lol none the less, we're commited to have a kid, but not turning into the mush we've seen so many others liquify into. having a kiddo rock style.
now that's brutal ^_^
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
first appointment
Alrighty! time for a lil update :)
today was my first ob/gyn appointment. My sister and her best friend (who i adore as well) came with me. we all met up, went in and then waited. OMG the wait! finally i go back with my sister and start the exam. afterwards the dr states that she thinks i'm further along than 8 months, judging from the size of my uterus. WOW. seriously. ok.
so, next wednesday we have our appointment for a ultrasound! hooray! i should be getting the first pic of the kiddo and a much more accurate due date. Seeing as how i was having morning sickness around july 13th on, i'm not even sure how far along i might be. however it brings a few worries to mind.
1- if i was pregnant longer than i thought, i was also on my meds while prego longer than i thought. this is bad. the dr was extremely happy that i had quit them as soon as i knew. everything i was on is Major bad for prego.
2- if i was pregnant longer, i may have been at bonnaroo in my first weeks. i only say this is bad due to the amount of .... 'hippy fun' i have once a year at this festival. bad bad bad. hopefully that early enough to not cause any prolonged damage.
ya, so now i have these small worries. all i can do is sit on my thumbs until next wednesday tho! rar! either way, i'm doing good on the quitting smoking. i'm down to 5 a day, sometimes 7. cold turkey doesn't really work on me, it leads to panic attacks, severe mood snaps and a need to kick something hard. lol but i'll give credit for having a reason to quit. its easier to cut back when i know i'm doing it for the bebe. that's all that matters really. :)
outside of that, i'm now debating when to tell my mother. I'm holding back telling my parents because they are very strict and also methodical. Right now, i'm getting unemployment and my boyfriend is looking for work. we were both laid off a while back. he should have a new job soon, but in the mean time, he already traded in his 06 350z for a 08 chevy HHR. its awesome! its like a updated herse! lol, specially since its black with limo tint on the windows.
however, i digress. because of the financial situation, when i told my mom i was engaged, she jumped down my throat, thrusting every negative thing on me. All as if i hadn't already thought about all these things. i didn't bother to continue the conversation and tell her i'm prego. i figure i'll wait till he's got the job for sure and then pick a day i feel really good. This is a decision in my life i can't let her drag me down for making. i know she will have a problem with it, so i might as well pick my time (thank you to my sister for that tidbit of advice :)
SO. no pics to show today, but will update again soon. i'm finding writing all my ideas down is great! Here's to life's changes!
today was my first ob/gyn appointment. My sister and her best friend (who i adore as well) came with me. we all met up, went in and then waited. OMG the wait! finally i go back with my sister and start the exam. afterwards the dr states that she thinks i'm further along than 8 months, judging from the size of my uterus. WOW. seriously. ok.
so, next wednesday we have our appointment for a ultrasound! hooray! i should be getting the first pic of the kiddo and a much more accurate due date. Seeing as how i was having morning sickness around july 13th on, i'm not even sure how far along i might be. however it brings a few worries to mind.
1- if i was pregnant longer than i thought, i was also on my meds while prego longer than i thought. this is bad. the dr was extremely happy that i had quit them as soon as i knew. everything i was on is Major bad for prego.
2- if i was pregnant longer, i may have been at bonnaroo in my first weeks. i only say this is bad due to the amount of .... 'hippy fun' i have once a year at this festival. bad bad bad. hopefully that early enough to not cause any prolonged damage.
ya, so now i have these small worries. all i can do is sit on my thumbs until next wednesday tho! rar! either way, i'm doing good on the quitting smoking. i'm down to 5 a day, sometimes 7. cold turkey doesn't really work on me, it leads to panic attacks, severe mood snaps and a need to kick something hard. lol but i'll give credit for having a reason to quit. its easier to cut back when i know i'm doing it for the bebe. that's all that matters really. :)
outside of that, i'm now debating when to tell my mother. I'm holding back telling my parents because they are very strict and also methodical. Right now, i'm getting unemployment and my boyfriend is looking for work. we were both laid off a while back. he should have a new job soon, but in the mean time, he already traded in his 06 350z for a 08 chevy HHR. its awesome! its like a updated herse! lol, specially since its black with limo tint on the windows.
however, i digress. because of the financial situation, when i told my mom i was engaged, she jumped down my throat, thrusting every negative thing on me. All as if i hadn't already thought about all these things. i didn't bother to continue the conversation and tell her i'm prego. i figure i'll wait till he's got the job for sure and then pick a day i feel really good. This is a decision in my life i can't let her drag me down for making. i know she will have a problem with it, so i might as well pick my time (thank you to my sister for that tidbit of advice :)
SO. no pics to show today, but will update again soon. i'm finding writing all my ideas down is great! Here's to life's changes!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
adjustments
I woke up at 8:30am this morning and have for the last week. I see this as becoming a regular thing, and as such can't get upset over it this early.
Part of becoming a mommy is doing what's right for the baby's health, not just yours anymore. For me, this is complicated as hell. I am diagnosed with Prolonged PTSD, Severe Depression and Severe Anxiety Disorder. Now, for all those things, i take a small list of drugs. Every single one of which i can't take for the next 9 months. Soon as i found out i was pregnant, i stopped taking them. This includes:
1 Anti-depression/anti-anxiety pill
2 Xannax
3 Valium
4 Neurontin
5 Tranquilizer
I am finding that with out my usual regimen of drugs, sleep is harder and harder to find. 6 hours if i'm lucky a night. my muscles spaz with out the neurontin, coming off the first pill meant hallucinations for 3 days, and not having a xannax or valium while i'm also quitting smoking... OMG i'm almost insane sometimes. i have to admit, this is one of the reasons i vowed to not have kids. god forbid i pass along my messed up head! However, it is not as bad as thought it might be.
In my head i imagined day two off the meds and my head spinning around 360 while fire belts from my mouth. controling the moodswings is probably the hardest part tho. i want to snap, but know its just me. i'm petulant, sometimes even childlike before i smack myself back into shape.
Now if this was all of it, i might be ok. BUT. i also have agressive eczema (meaning i have over 5 different kinds of eczema that i struggle with on a daily basis). I am no longer allowed to take the high strength allergy meds, no longer use the topical steriods or any other real medical treatments. Thus my hands have started to fall into ruin even with my ever present attempts of Shea butter healings. Bleach bath, here i come!
I'm only 8 weeks in, yet already i'm finding myself bitchy about these things. that's something i am just gonna have to get over, and get over it fast. its for the baby. i just keep repeating, its for the baby. i'm not sleeping, puking in the mornings and itchy as fuck for the baby... ya. :)
the only saving grace is i know when our child comes out healthy and happy, that i did my all to make sure it was that way. if there was something wrong with the kiddo, i would beat myself up the rest of my days for not going that extra mile for it. Kids are a one try system. Might as well get it right the first time, eh?
well the sick feeling is gone, so i'm headed to make some tuna salad. ya i dunno, i never liked it before, but it just sounds good now. Here's to adjusting for pregnancy!
Part of becoming a mommy is doing what's right for the baby's health, not just yours anymore. For me, this is complicated as hell. I am diagnosed with Prolonged PTSD, Severe Depression and Severe Anxiety Disorder. Now, for all those things, i take a small list of drugs. Every single one of which i can't take for the next 9 months. Soon as i found out i was pregnant, i stopped taking them. This includes:
1 Anti-depression/anti-anxiety pill
2 Xannax
3 Valium
4 Neurontin
5 Tranquilizer
I am finding that with out my usual regimen of drugs, sleep is harder and harder to find. 6 hours if i'm lucky a night. my muscles spaz with out the neurontin, coming off the first pill meant hallucinations for 3 days, and not having a xannax or valium while i'm also quitting smoking... OMG i'm almost insane sometimes. i have to admit, this is one of the reasons i vowed to not have kids. god forbid i pass along my messed up head! However, it is not as bad as thought it might be.
In my head i imagined day two off the meds and my head spinning around 360 while fire belts from my mouth. controling the moodswings is probably the hardest part tho. i want to snap, but know its just me. i'm petulant, sometimes even childlike before i smack myself back into shape.
Now if this was all of it, i might be ok. BUT. i also have agressive eczema (meaning i have over 5 different kinds of eczema that i struggle with on a daily basis). I am no longer allowed to take the high strength allergy meds, no longer use the topical steriods or any other real medical treatments. Thus my hands have started to fall into ruin even with my ever present attempts of Shea butter healings. Bleach bath, here i come!
I'm only 8 weeks in, yet already i'm finding myself bitchy about these things. that's something i am just gonna have to get over, and get over it fast. its for the baby. i just keep repeating, its for the baby. i'm not sleeping, puking in the mornings and itchy as fuck for the baby... ya. :)
the only saving grace is i know when our child comes out healthy and happy, that i did my all to make sure it was that way. if there was something wrong with the kiddo, i would beat myself up the rest of my days for not going that extra mile for it. Kids are a one try system. Might as well get it right the first time, eh?
well the sick feeling is gone, so i'm headed to make some tuna salad. ya i dunno, i never liked it before, but it just sounds good now. Here's to adjusting for pregnancy!
Friday, August 7, 2009
a whole new world
SO
i changed up my blog and such for the soul reason that i have some insane news!
the eternal single chick is getting hitched! and to boot, we have a lil one baking in my proverbial oven :) yep its true. all the depression in my last two posts, a lot had to do with the amount of hormones my body was creating. why? CUZ i'm prego!
sooo. here's the deal. I'm going to create this page as a way to express all the things i'm feeling, experiencing, thinking etc! while i'm pregnant. Even though this is a new passage in life, it doesn't change who i am, or the fact that i'm gonna be some kind of rocker/goth mom. my kid will have the cutest camo shorts and band t shirts around. :)
i've not made this fact well known yet in my life. There is some resistance from my side of the family and so i'm waiting for a better moment to tell them. However i go to the dr on wed and will be bringing home a lil pic to post for you guys.
just think, rad black and pink outfits, art projects when i'm too big to move and lots of interesting time to think about what the nursery will look like, the kid will look like and what all on earth we have to do to get ready.
i'll still be posting on every day stuff, but i really want this to be an adventure i can share ^_^ sound like fun? meh, then get in the spirit anyways!
i changed up my blog and such for the soul reason that i have some insane news!
the eternal single chick is getting hitched! and to boot, we have a lil one baking in my proverbial oven :) yep its true. all the depression in my last two posts, a lot had to do with the amount of hormones my body was creating. why? CUZ i'm prego!
sooo. here's the deal. I'm going to create this page as a way to express all the things i'm feeling, experiencing, thinking etc! while i'm pregnant. Even though this is a new passage in life, it doesn't change who i am, or the fact that i'm gonna be some kind of rocker/goth mom. my kid will have the cutest camo shorts and band t shirts around. :)
i've not made this fact well known yet in my life. There is some resistance from my side of the family and so i'm waiting for a better moment to tell them. However i go to the dr on wed and will be bringing home a lil pic to post for you guys.
just think, rad black and pink outfits, art projects when i'm too big to move and lots of interesting time to think about what the nursery will look like, the kid will look like and what all on earth we have to do to get ready.
i'll still be posting on every day stuff, but i really want this to be an adventure i can share ^_^ sound like fun? meh, then get in the spirit anyways!
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