adjustments

I woke up at 8:30am this morning and have for the last week. I see this as becoming a regular thing, and as such can't get upset over it this early.

Part of becoming a mommy is doing what's right for the baby's health, not just yours anymore. For me, this is complicated as hell. I am diagnosed with Prolonged PTSD, Severe Depression and Severe Anxiety Disorder. Now, for all those things, i take a small list of drugs. Every single one of which i can't take for the next 9 months. Soon as i found out i was pregnant, i stopped taking them. This includes:

1 Anti-depression/anti-anxiety pill
2 Xannax
3 Valium
4 Neurontin
5 Tranquilizer

I am finding that with out my usual regimen of drugs, sleep is harder and harder to find. 6 hours if i'm lucky a night. my muscles spaz with out the neurontin, coming off the first pill meant hallucinations for 3 days, and not having a xannax or valium while i'm also quitting smoking... OMG i'm almost insane sometimes. i have to admit, this is one of the reasons i vowed to not have kids. god forbid i pass along my messed up head! However, it is not as bad as thought it might be.

In my head i imagined day two off the meds and my head spinning around 360 while fire belts from my mouth. controling the moodswings is probably the hardest part tho. i want to snap, but know its just me. i'm petulant, sometimes even childlike before i smack myself back into shape.

Now if this was all of it, i might be ok. BUT. i also have agressive eczema (meaning i have over 5 different kinds of eczema that i struggle with on a daily basis). I am no longer allowed to take the high strength allergy meds, no longer use the topical steriods or any other real medical treatments. Thus my hands have started to fall into ruin even with my ever present attempts of Shea butter healings. Bleach bath, here i come!

I'm only 8 weeks in, yet already i'm finding myself bitchy about these things. that's something i am just gonna have to get over, and get over it fast. its for the baby. i just keep repeating, its for the baby. i'm not sleeping, puking in the mornings and itchy as fuck for the baby... ya. :)

the only saving grace is i know when our child comes out healthy and happy, that i did my all to make sure it was that way. if there was something wrong with the kiddo, i would beat myself up the rest of my days for not going that extra mile for it. Kids are a one try system. Might as well get it right the first time, eh?

well the sick feeling is gone, so i'm headed to make some tuna salad. ya i dunno, i never liked it before, but it just sounds good now. Here's to adjusting for pregnancy!