just took a trip. a long one at that.
went to texas for 18 days. i lived there for some almost 8 years. in a west texas town no less. the middle of no where. nothing but a college party town in the dessert of texas. that was where i graduated high school, attended college, did the most growing into who i am. partied my ass off, got into trouble but knew everyone that was of importance.
this time was different. usually i go back to tx for party days, letting loose and getting crazy. this time i went with my sister and stayed with my parents and brother. they have a nice ass house with a back yard pond, pool, hot tub, gardens.... it was endless fruit and sun at the house. i took the vacation as much needed time for the family. it had been a while. and during that time did a lot of soul searching. working on myself like i haven't in a long time. and it was about fucking time too. i had no way of even knowing how bad i needed to fix me up. shit. i was falling apart. in those 18 days i cleared my head, my stress melted away for a short time and i even got a tan. i swam till my heart was calm and slept in a down comforter until my body was rested. it made me realize something.
just what i had become. what i had gotten into the rythym of doing. all i was doing was going thru the motions of life. doing laundry, dishes, cleaning up the next morning, feeding the pets, making some lunch... that was it. looking for a job is in there between everything, but really. it was like a shadow of my former self. still is to some degree. i'm still in stasis somehow. still putting myself on hold. i will be taking better care of myself of course. its obvious my health fails when i dont. but i can't put movement on hold anymore. only my heart. i'm going looking for jobs, visiting my sister, doing the things that make me happy. the cooking and the cleaning will come as well. but hey, i have to be a selfish bitch sometimes.
is it really selfish? i mean, most chicks believe that doing the things for themselves, that only they benifit from are selfish, but i'm beginning to think a certain amount is neccessary. i know there is a line. it can't always be about ones self. however, never taking time out, never enjoying a few tunes, never painting your toes or sitting down to just not be on the computer. just being silent. or quietly enjoying the sunshine. things i forgot i loved. things that are just for me. i need those.
if anyone calls me a princess i'll fuckin punch their nose into their brain. if i must be labeled, i am a queen damnit! a queen of my own little world where i will always be special, even if in reality i'm just some low rent bitch. scary how life can be so contrasting..
..its all in perspective.
