the time that has no matter Part 2

the original reason for this title was the pure fact, in facing the fact that had been a month without my baby, yet it seems as tho it was last week. time is so warped for me. the days make no difference. i dont know what's really going on around me, i just crunch numbers and somehow keep the bills paid. its hard when we're both in therapy, and for my fiance, he's lost his mother and child in less than a year of one another. we've all had so much shit the last two years, its just wrong.


today i had a very candid convo with my mom. i told her why i was mad at god. that since i was little, he's been kicking me in the face. that i've had my fair share of abuse and pain, why must he heap the holiest of all holies, losing your only son, on me as well? really? the ptsd i already have wasn't enough for him? the years of therapy, the medicines, the 13 years of eczema that made my skin fall off wasn't enough either?

i got asked today when i started displaying the first signs of ptsd. i realized it was when i started cutting at 13. i was a secret cutter from ages 13-21. i wore long sleeve sweaters to hide it. i've promised those that knew i wouldn't do that anymore, but i can't think of anything else that truly pushishes my body like i need to feel. i hurt so much inside, its like i need pain outside to distract me for just the barest of moments. i talked to mo mom about the tattoo i want. the ankh with marcus's initials and birth/death dates across it. the topper to my later full back piece of egytian isis wings.

today was one of the bad days... one of the days where i cry more than not. that i can't stop shaking. that my chest literally hurts like i'm having a heart attack, my throat is choked so i can't breath and all i can see is finding him cold and blue over and over and over. the flashbacks and nightmares are the worst part. they never stop. they've given me every combo of sleeping meds lately, and i've only had one night i didn't dream. only one night i didn't find my baby dead again.

people tell me day by day. it feels like hour by hour, but in one long day...the last two years feel unreal. was it ever real? was i even a mom? i have these stretch marks that were my badge of courage. now they are a reminder that i'm no longer a mom. every time. i found two of his binkies today. i fell apart. i sleep with his blanket still. it still smells just a little bit like him. i cry to sleep every night. or pass out from sheer exhaustion. i've had people tell me to go abck to work, but the general consenses its too early. even by my therapist's standards. i can't stand having to send j to work. he has bad days to where he just has to come home and cry.

i told my mother there had better be a DAMN good purpose for my life on this earth, otherwise i have no reason to like a diety that takes everything i love. everything i ever put my heart into get effed or dies. over and over, that celestial kick to the ribs while i'm down. why? wtf did i do that was so wrong? what could i have done that was horrible that he'd take my baby????? what did i do wrong. i can't understand it. and still the toxocology reports haven't come back. so no answers as to what was wrong. why he's no longer with me. i need answers and all they do is look at me with hollow eyes and tell me i'll get the info soon as its ready. they have my laptop as well, so i've had to turn down 3 possible jobs. we're scraping because what are we supposed to do????

why at a time like this, aren't people taken care of? for god sakes, make a fund to those who've lost children, and 'm sure most mothers of military kids would be members. that's why. they lose their sons for no reason all the time. i lost mine for no reason. i understand their rage. but at least they can be angry with politics or the president or congress.... all i have is myself to blame. i was here. i am his mother...was his mother.. it was my responsibility to take care of him. and he's gone.

the black hole that is my life has come full circle with the loss of my grandfather when i needed him, and now the loss of my son, who defined my world. death has taken everything i love. ill luck has falled everything i've ever tried at. since when was i gods whipping boy? i dont want to be this fucking strong!! i dont want to have to live though this. but he made sure others would keep me here. take away the only thing in this world that has EVER made me happy but not let me follow. sounds like a cruel man. not a benevolent god.

so stop warping my space, my time, my life. all the things that matter are nothing but star dust now. so who cares....

the time that has no matter.

Tonight... today really... its been a month since our sunshine went away.

at 2:30pm today i was on my knees in the yard crying almost hysterically into the ground as J tried to comfort me.

i had thought of a blog i wanted to type up, when j realized what today was. a month ago at 230 i was trying to do cpr on my baby boy. so that's what i'll blog about. the lil man that made all the difference.

Marcus

blonde. blue eyed. sharp as a tack. gentle with the kittens and other kids...its more like i was given a year with a cherub than a child. he made everything but labor easy. i often think he was taken away because i wasn't worthy of him. because his light. his light shone more brightly than any i'd ever seen. i was in so much darkness before he came to us. i never knew how much i could love, how much i could bond with another human being until i went from his kicks in my stomach to his arms around my neck.

mothers. i can't even begin to explain the pain. it chokes my throat, it steals my breath, it tears my heart and something even deeper that just KNOWS he is gone. i feel empty.
Cherish every moment. indulge in every whim. enjoy everything you can. it can be gone so fast. before you even know it.

the only thing that holds me is J and knowing that i would only be passing this pain on to my own loving mother. i can't do it. Our friends, from all states and corners have been the glue to make us stick. but. but.

now i know how much there is to lose. and i dont see myself ever giving that possiblity another chance. my perfectly healthy son went from thriving and teething to cold and blue in the flutter of a nap.


he went without a sound. no murmur to warn me. no cries for help. just silently into the night.


"You would have never known.
What I've done for you.
What you may put me through.
I'd do it for you.
I could have never lived.
If it wasn't for you."

hear that lonesome whiperwhill....

i've never seen a night so long,
when time goes crawling by,
the moon just went behind a cloud
to hide her face and cry.


today was the first day i allowed myself to grieve. truly. with his blanket in my fists, screaming, crying, screaming, crying......tomorrow i see a therapist about all this and my usual hang ups. but i can't sleep. instead i hear this song in my head. combine that with fact that i have nightmares...add ambien, which doesn't work on me apparently. i took this crap at 10. its after 1 and i'm still right awake. effin hell. i have some of the weirdest tolerances to medicine....

i did laundry today. need clothes to pack for trip to tx soon. my days alone are finally over. we got the jeep fixed and i'm back on the road. have to get my license fixed up. small things like a baby on a billboard... i cry buckets. i see a commercial i cry buckets. i see someone with a lil blonde boy and i want to hold them.
i cry.
i cry
i cry
and have milkshakes for dinner.
i went into his room today. and his presence was no longer there. that room is not him. nothing is. nothing ever will be. i can't fix this hole
but at least i started something today. i will talk later about the reading i did.

the worst part is.... mother nature.. that c-word biotch....giving me this stupid instinct which now flounders me....i'm set off step by this life changing crappy catastrophe... i was gothy mommy. now i'm single bitch. nothing more. well unofficially engaged bitch. with no date in site. he was my everything. all i was.


a falling star
lights up a purple sky
and as i wonder where you are
i'm so lonesome i could cry