the time that has no matter.

Tonight... today really... its been a month since our sunshine went away.

at 2:30pm today i was on my knees in the yard crying almost hysterically into the ground as J tried to comfort me.

i had thought of a blog i wanted to type up, when j realized what today was. a month ago at 230 i was trying to do cpr on my baby boy. so that's what i'll blog about. the lil man that made all the difference.

Marcus

blonde. blue eyed. sharp as a tack. gentle with the kittens and other kids...its more like i was given a year with a cherub than a child. he made everything but labor easy. i often think he was taken away because i wasn't worthy of him. because his light. his light shone more brightly than any i'd ever seen. i was in so much darkness before he came to us. i never knew how much i could love, how much i could bond with another human being until i went from his kicks in my stomach to his arms around my neck.

mothers. i can't even begin to explain the pain. it chokes my throat, it steals my breath, it tears my heart and something even deeper that just KNOWS he is gone. i feel empty.
Cherish every moment. indulge in every whim. enjoy everything you can. it can be gone so fast. before you even know it.

the only thing that holds me is J and knowing that i would only be passing this pain on to my own loving mother. i can't do it. Our friends, from all states and corners have been the glue to make us stick. but. but.

now i know how much there is to lose. and i dont see myself ever giving that possiblity another chance. my perfectly healthy son went from thriving and teething to cold and blue in the flutter of a nap.


he went without a sound. no murmur to warn me. no cries for help. just silently into the night.


"You would have never known.
What I've done for you.
What you may put me through.
I'd do it for you.
I could have never lived.
If it wasn't for you."