hear that lonesome whiperwhill....

i've never seen a night so long,
when time goes crawling by,
the moon just went behind a cloud
to hide her face and cry.


today was the first day i allowed myself to grieve. truly. with his blanket in my fists, screaming, crying, screaming, crying......tomorrow i see a therapist about all this and my usual hang ups. but i can't sleep. instead i hear this song in my head. combine that with fact that i have nightmares...add ambien, which doesn't work on me apparently. i took this crap at 10. its after 1 and i'm still right awake. effin hell. i have some of the weirdest tolerances to medicine....

i did laundry today. need clothes to pack for trip to tx soon. my days alone are finally over. we got the jeep fixed and i'm back on the road. have to get my license fixed up. small things like a baby on a billboard... i cry buckets. i see a commercial i cry buckets. i see someone with a lil blonde boy and i want to hold them.
i cry.
i cry
i cry
and have milkshakes for dinner.
i went into his room today. and his presence was no longer there. that room is not him. nothing is. nothing ever will be. i can't fix this hole
but at least i started something today. i will talk later about the reading i did.

the worst part is.... mother nature.. that c-word biotch....giving me this stupid instinct which now flounders me....i'm set off step by this life changing crappy catastrophe... i was gothy mommy. now i'm single bitch. nothing more. well unofficially engaged bitch. with no date in site. he was my everything. all i was.


a falling star
lights up a purple sky
and as i wonder where you are
i'm so lonesome i could cry