nothing left

Kill me now, while I still have a soul to take. If I dont see tomorrow, I'll be glad not to wake. I have nothing left inside, nothing left to break. replacing him with this pain, everything else just seems fake.

home is where the heart is?

if home is where the heart is, then where do you go while your heart is in shreds?

i came back to the house. i came back for j. i thought i had a little bit of a grip, had done a little bit of healing in the three weeks away. however, upon coming back, i realize i have done nothing. i'm just as messed up and torn up inside as ever. i felt better, but all i have done is cry off and on all day today. everywhere i look, i see my lil man. i miss him so effing bad. i missed my meds for 2 days. i went thru partial dt's this morning, then got back on today. out of xanny for the moment however, and no liquor in the house. i'm a mess.

i had a panick attack earlier in the day, to the point that j walked me outside and i dont remember us getting there. just him telling me to breathe. and then a huge bug hit my ankle and actually scared me out of it for a few moments, then it came rushing back and i was back in tears. an hour and half later, i was laying with my head in j's lap on the couch willing myself to sleep.

the kittens cry and i ache. i haven't lost the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach or the ache in my chest all day. it just lingers there. i had forgotten while being at mom's how much it hurt to be here. i had forgotten just what a gloomy air hangs about the house, the pressure-like sadness that pushes at me. but i can't even worry about it. even though all i do is cry, i have to get a job, make hella cash before oct 6 and save. i dont know how, but i have to save and get us out of here. i will go mad in this house. it echos of the happiness i had for such a short period of time.

my time at mom's was wonderful. i love my parents so much and have such a wonderful brother and sissy (love you hatchi). being with them helped. unfortunately, my skin hates that place. still. everything hates this place. even though lubbock itself is a cool town, the people are ultimately incredible or horribly immature. even though i spent my time writing, sleeping, drinking, talking with my mom, spending time with my brother, in the background was the crap that is that town. i want to just grab up the people i love, eliminate the ones i dont and put everyone in one place, a kick ass city. the town still didn't touch the gold that was being home with mom. it couldn't.

yet here i am. in this bed. with his blanket. crying. and blogging. i hope that everyone understands i'm writing the things i can't say, that i write in the hopes of finding a path again. i know it sounds negative. i know i sound simply angry and rude and bitchy. however, at the same time, i write every day in a journal one thing i'm thankful for. i try to keep some kind of routine that makes it normal. but its been two months since losing my baby boy and i still can't stand it. i dont know how it will ever stop hurting. all i know is i have a lot of shit to take care of, all of which require massive amounts of cash. i love how the world just revolves around money. its so simple yet so evil. what's the value on a mother's tears? how much do you think they would place on the fear, anger, desperation, uncertainty, loss and woe while mourning a lost child? probably nothing, since it would be considered 'humanities' and we all know that's not something the govt cares about in the least. they care about money. and there is no profit in caring about the people. only in getting re-elected.

again, i digress. simply put. we shall see. i have no idea if i can stand this. i dont know if i can make it in this memory locked space. that sounds dramatic and stupid. but crying every moment i'm home isn't exactly good for a person. thank god for meds that make me sleep. they should kick in soon. and i can stop freaking for just a little while. that will be nice.

there was no over all point to my catterwallings, however just a need. for something other than pain. just a little numbness until i can handle it? everything is so overwhelming. too many things at once life just never stops to let us take a breath and rest. i suppose this is where guys 'suck it up' and girls are supposed to put on a pretty mask that all will be ok. i'm too damn scared anymore to do it. its so late for me. and i'm back where i started. just so damn scared.

but every journey starts with a single step and if that step is wrong, you simply step back and try again. my father talked to me as well in texas. those were his words. he is right. he reminded me that 'fear is the mind killer'.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

long nights

i can't explain The voice now in my head All i know is the pain Wishing i was dead
There's nothing to do But wait for it to end So dark without you No light around the bend
You were my everything My wonderous show of love Now i can't love anything Not even the invisible man above.
The anger pulls my strings But you awoke my heart Every memory stings No one will ever fill your part.
Rest well my sweet baby as a star in the sky While no-longer-mommy Is left to wonder why.....

its a particularly hard night. the last few weeks i've been staying in texas with my parents. J was able to come for a long weekend, but not long enough. even the thought of returning to that house makes me wanna cry. life without marcus is surface at best and heart rending. i looked to an old friend for the preoffered comfort only to find i had been pushed away. its been hard being back. everyone has their lives and i'm not a part of that anymore. so i float in and out, in my little back house, crying at night and putting on the mask of happy during the day. all so my mom will not realize that i'm so not ready to leave. she wants me to heal, but i dont have enough time to. j is back home working. given, he only has to spend a few hours in the house during the week, and i'm there 24 hours. still. its hard being apart. ]

we obviously dont get everything we want in life, but can i not just have one effing thing that doesn't get taken away after i fall in love and put my everything into it, or not be abused? or maybe just a cure for the eczema, or the thyroid problems, or avoid the death of over 5 family members in the last two years.....now combine with an estate battle, lawyer fees, job finding suckyness and a major hate for the world in general anyways and you have my life. i was given a voice and the ability to clean things when ocd. otherwise, i'm a jack of all trades, but master of none. guess that goes for everything in life. seeing as how i dealt with 25 pages of text on why i was a c**t for not hanging out with someone when i had no idea there was an internet argument blocking the path to everyone getting along. and suicidal past relationship that are now fat and insulting on a level i can't describe other than arrogant for a man that ranks a 4 at best. and not getting to dallas to say thank you to everyone thanks to the shittyness of them upping my meds and my crying fits.

otherwise, i act out, drink when i'm not supposed to and try to come up with a plan of attack for the next year while figuring out what the FUCK i'm still doing on this stupid planet. why i couldn't even die right. why i had to live thru all this bs. unless god plans on taking a limb, he can't do a damn thing to me now that would hurt more than losing my only son and sunshine. eat that, mr invisible man upstairs that knows all and sees all.. where the fuck were you when my son was suffocating? or when i was being called a whale in middle school or when i was abused as a kid, or any of the assholish things you have put me thru all my stupid life. i see a serious disproportion in how 'god loves to give gifts' as the pamplet said and how life has really been. if the world ends next year, i'm going down, inhaling one of gods own plants, drunk and then plan to ask st peter what the FUCK it was all for. then take my stupid wings and harp and go find some place i can sit and smoke with jesus. we can debate just what we think of mankind in general. i'm pretty sure as a man, he didn't like the world much better than i did. it was his dad's agenda anyways.

i digress. i'm angry. i'm so damn angry. but so empty and lost. i dont trust myself. only that i will wake up so i can realize again my son is gone, as i do every morning and weep, shower, and go about my day trying to figure out where to go from here....what's a 'not-a-mom-anymore' supposed to do? specially when the person i love wants a family ultimately. i risk being alone if i come up with the wrong answer,. and draw it out for a year, as they say not to make any decisions for a year. ....only 4 more months before they can disclose the autopsy and findings...4 months wondering what happened to my baby. its hell on a stick. and i am supposed to learn to deal with this during that time. ya. i hate the justice system, i hate the legal system, i hate the government system and i hate people in general. i'm lucky to have met so many of you that have been there for me. ya'll are the only luck i've ever had. so thank you. now i'm finishing this bottle of wine and trying to black out before dawn.

i miss you marcus. mommy misses you every day, my precious baby boy, i love you.