long nights

i can't explain The voice now in my head All i know is the pain Wishing i was dead
There's nothing to do But wait for it to end So dark without you No light around the bend
You were my everything My wonderous show of love Now i can't love anything Not even the invisible man above.
The anger pulls my strings But you awoke my heart Every memory stings No one will ever fill your part.
Rest well my sweet baby as a star in the sky While no-longer-mommy Is left to wonder why.....

its a particularly hard night. the last few weeks i've been staying in texas with my parents. J was able to come for a long weekend, but not long enough. even the thought of returning to that house makes me wanna cry. life without marcus is surface at best and heart rending. i looked to an old friend for the preoffered comfort only to find i had been pushed away. its been hard being back. everyone has their lives and i'm not a part of that anymore. so i float in and out, in my little back house, crying at night and putting on the mask of happy during the day. all so my mom will not realize that i'm so not ready to leave. she wants me to heal, but i dont have enough time to. j is back home working. given, he only has to spend a few hours in the house during the week, and i'm there 24 hours. still. its hard being apart. ]

we obviously dont get everything we want in life, but can i not just have one effing thing that doesn't get taken away after i fall in love and put my everything into it, or not be abused? or maybe just a cure for the eczema, or the thyroid problems, or avoid the death of over 5 family members in the last two years.....now combine with an estate battle, lawyer fees, job finding suckyness and a major hate for the world in general anyways and you have my life. i was given a voice and the ability to clean things when ocd. otherwise, i'm a jack of all trades, but master of none. guess that goes for everything in life. seeing as how i dealt with 25 pages of text on why i was a c**t for not hanging out with someone when i had no idea there was an internet argument blocking the path to everyone getting along. and suicidal past relationship that are now fat and insulting on a level i can't describe other than arrogant for a man that ranks a 4 at best. and not getting to dallas to say thank you to everyone thanks to the shittyness of them upping my meds and my crying fits.

otherwise, i act out, drink when i'm not supposed to and try to come up with a plan of attack for the next year while figuring out what the FUCK i'm still doing on this stupid planet. why i couldn't even die right. why i had to live thru all this bs. unless god plans on taking a limb, he can't do a damn thing to me now that would hurt more than losing my only son and sunshine. eat that, mr invisible man upstairs that knows all and sees all.. where the fuck were you when my son was suffocating? or when i was being called a whale in middle school or when i was abused as a kid, or any of the assholish things you have put me thru all my stupid life. i see a serious disproportion in how 'god loves to give gifts' as the pamplet said and how life has really been. if the world ends next year, i'm going down, inhaling one of gods own plants, drunk and then plan to ask st peter what the FUCK it was all for. then take my stupid wings and harp and go find some place i can sit and smoke with jesus. we can debate just what we think of mankind in general. i'm pretty sure as a man, he didn't like the world much better than i did. it was his dad's agenda anyways.

i digress. i'm angry. i'm so damn angry. but so empty and lost. i dont trust myself. only that i will wake up so i can realize again my son is gone, as i do every morning and weep, shower, and go about my day trying to figure out where to go from here....what's a 'not-a-mom-anymore' supposed to do? specially when the person i love wants a family ultimately. i risk being alone if i come up with the wrong answer,. and draw it out for a year, as they say not to make any decisions for a year. ....only 4 more months before they can disclose the autopsy and findings...4 months wondering what happened to my baby. its hell on a stick. and i am supposed to learn to deal with this during that time. ya. i hate the justice system, i hate the legal system, i hate the government system and i hate people in general. i'm lucky to have met so many of you that have been there for me. ya'll are the only luck i've ever had. so thank you. now i'm finishing this bottle of wine and trying to black out before dawn.

i miss you marcus. mommy misses you every day, my precious baby boy, i love you.