home is where the heart is?

if home is where the heart is, then where do you go while your heart is in shreds?

i came back to the house. i came back for j. i thought i had a little bit of a grip, had done a little bit of healing in the three weeks away. however, upon coming back, i realize i have done nothing. i'm just as messed up and torn up inside as ever. i felt better, but all i have done is cry off and on all day today. everywhere i look, i see my lil man. i miss him so effing bad. i missed my meds for 2 days. i went thru partial dt's this morning, then got back on today. out of xanny for the moment however, and no liquor in the house. i'm a mess.

i had a panick attack earlier in the day, to the point that j walked me outside and i dont remember us getting there. just him telling me to breathe. and then a huge bug hit my ankle and actually scared me out of it for a few moments, then it came rushing back and i was back in tears. an hour and half later, i was laying with my head in j's lap on the couch willing myself to sleep.

the kittens cry and i ache. i haven't lost the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach or the ache in my chest all day. it just lingers there. i had forgotten while being at mom's how much it hurt to be here. i had forgotten just what a gloomy air hangs about the house, the pressure-like sadness that pushes at me. but i can't even worry about it. even though all i do is cry, i have to get a job, make hella cash before oct 6 and save. i dont know how, but i have to save and get us out of here. i will go mad in this house. it echos of the happiness i had for such a short period of time.

my time at mom's was wonderful. i love my parents so much and have such a wonderful brother and sissy (love you hatchi). being with them helped. unfortunately, my skin hates that place. still. everything hates this place. even though lubbock itself is a cool town, the people are ultimately incredible or horribly immature. even though i spent my time writing, sleeping, drinking, talking with my mom, spending time with my brother, in the background was the crap that is that town. i want to just grab up the people i love, eliminate the ones i dont and put everyone in one place, a kick ass city. the town still didn't touch the gold that was being home with mom. it couldn't.

yet here i am. in this bed. with his blanket. crying. and blogging. i hope that everyone understands i'm writing the things i can't say, that i write in the hopes of finding a path again. i know it sounds negative. i know i sound simply angry and rude and bitchy. however, at the same time, i write every day in a journal one thing i'm thankful for. i try to keep some kind of routine that makes it normal. but its been two months since losing my baby boy and i still can't stand it. i dont know how it will ever stop hurting. all i know is i have a lot of shit to take care of, all of which require massive amounts of cash. i love how the world just revolves around money. its so simple yet so evil. what's the value on a mother's tears? how much do you think they would place on the fear, anger, desperation, uncertainty, loss and woe while mourning a lost child? probably nothing, since it would be considered 'humanities' and we all know that's not something the govt cares about in the least. they care about money. and there is no profit in caring about the people. only in getting re-elected.

again, i digress. simply put. we shall see. i have no idea if i can stand this. i dont know if i can make it in this memory locked space. that sounds dramatic and stupid. but crying every moment i'm home isn't exactly good for a person. thank god for meds that make me sleep. they should kick in soon. and i can stop freaking for just a little while. that will be nice.

there was no over all point to my catterwallings, however just a need. for something other than pain. just a little numbness until i can handle it? everything is so overwhelming. too many things at once life just never stops to let us take a breath and rest. i suppose this is where guys 'suck it up' and girls are supposed to put on a pretty mask that all will be ok. i'm too damn scared anymore to do it. its so late for me. and i'm back where i started. just so damn scared.

but every journey starts with a single step and if that step is wrong, you simply step back and try again. my father talked to me as well in texas. those were his words. he is right. he reminded me that 'fear is the mind killer'.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear