so maybe this time i can write without being so morbid?
lets see- our septic tank backed up and we went without water for basically 4 days. because of that, we don't have the money for our bills. we've had family in town lately. which has been interesting. i love my mother, but sometimes its hard to have her around for a long time. my aunt, on the other hand, is really fun. she is the mother of my soul :)
outside of that, Marcus. Oh Marcus, my boy. he's crawled a few steps! he gets up on hands and knees and kinda launches himself forward. its adorable. he's having a hard time right now. he's teething something fierce. he's not eating a whole bottle alot of the time. also, he's chewing on anything in sight (including his entire hand at once) and drooling like there's no tomorrow! he runs a fever slightly from time to time. nothing severe tho. his 6 month dr appointment is tomorrow. i can't wait to see how much he's grown. he's in 9 months clothes these days. and his eyes are still very very blue. my mother is thrilled with that.
so how is motherhood, you ask? its wonderful on a whole. there are lil things that tend to wear on me. but that is just sleep deprivation combined with getting used to having someone you instinctively put before yourself at all times. when he's crying and there's nothing i can do to soothe him, i find myself annoyed. then i remember he's the one in pain and i just want to cuddle him more. the only thing that truly vexes me is trying to find the balance between taking care of him and taking care of everything else. i have to clean, cook, pick up, care for the dog and the cat, care for our garden.... and somewhere in there, make time for me? ha. not to mention, i'm trying to find work online so i can work from home. may even try to do some medical transcription courses online so i can do so.
really the only reason i'm constantly angry is mostly at our circumstances. there's things going on in the family still that are making matters worse. its hard to find a way to get everything back into some semblance of harmony. so here i wait. i dont have the authority to complete these tasks as i'd like. so i wait. i nudge. i hint. i try to help. but i find myself angry.
my best friend told me that my problem was i only saw the possibilities of life as it is, or life as i picture it. nothing in between, thus ruling out other possibilities completely. she's right. its time to get some new perspective on what i can make of this life. so that's it for the moment. i'm not so morbid anymore. just angry. at a world i cannot seem to change.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
a much needed update
life is just so busy right now.
i seem to be repeating that phrase over and over to everyone that asks me what's wrong.
i'm overcome right now. the only thing keeping me going is my son and my ability to disassociate. lets start from the beginning shall we?
a month ago, my mother in law passed away. now here's where most people would insert all the snipey mother in law jokes. not this girl. my mother in law lived next door (well across the field from us). we saw her every week. she was nana to our son. mother to my love. and a mother to me. i never thought i could get so close to someone's mom in just 3 years. but it was my honor and privilege to know her. she was the most laid back, practical, funny, sweet, loving and real woman i've met outside my own family. i loved her the moment i met her and vice versa. she told me she didn't mind that i'd had a son (she wanted a girl sooo bad). that she had gained a daughter in me. her death was devistating. my man was there. i was watching from our porch as she died. its taken a real toll on all of us.
dealing with this took over our lives for over 2 weeks. its still day to day sometimes. but i had to be strong so my man could grieve. taking care of our son, taking care of the house, taking care of the brand new puppy that came from his mother. dont forget the cat. and our bills. and the shopping. and the cooking. its gotten better now. tho i've just stopped cooking for a while, and had to take almost a week to catch up on the laundry alone.
then another tragedy. someone i love miscarried in her 19th week. i was there for all of it. i felt so guilty that i had this perfect child, that there were women out there right now aborting kids they didn't want, but my T. couldn't have a kid she wanted with everything in her. its not right. didn't seem fair. still doesn't. there are so many kids out there unwanted and unloved. why take away one that would be cherished and brought up with love? how can people have faith that this is a plan of some whimsical god??? why would he take the good people away? leave all the assholes behind to screw over the weak? why must the children suffer most?
i once said that i had nightmares about bringing a child into a world that i've hated for so long. every day, something horrible happens to prove my fears are grounded in reality. the world is an ugly and hateful place. the beauty and the good things are so few and far between most of the time. its true. we appreciate them so much more because of the shit we go thru all the time. but i could appreciate a lil more happiness and a lot less shit just as well.
otherwise. the baby is teething. just as we had him on a schedule and happy, the tooth fairy comes and f$%ks everything up! he's been in so much pain, so the infant tylenol and orajel are his best friend right now. frozen wash clothes, frozen teethers....restless nights and baby cries. its horrible cuz i can't do anything but try to help. and he's usually such a happy baby, its hard to see him in pain.
i think i need to start writing weekly. it helps to put everything down instead of letting it run circles in my head. i'm not even going to go into the rest of the things i worry about constantly. maybe in another rant.
so when i say things have busy, i basically mean that everything has fallen down around me and i'm just barely keeping my head above water. busy busy busy....
i seem to be repeating that phrase over and over to everyone that asks me what's wrong.
i'm overcome right now. the only thing keeping me going is my son and my ability to disassociate. lets start from the beginning shall we?
a month ago, my mother in law passed away. now here's where most people would insert all the snipey mother in law jokes. not this girl. my mother in law lived next door (well across the field from us). we saw her every week. she was nana to our son. mother to my love. and a mother to me. i never thought i could get so close to someone's mom in just 3 years. but it was my honor and privilege to know her. she was the most laid back, practical, funny, sweet, loving and real woman i've met outside my own family. i loved her the moment i met her and vice versa. she told me she didn't mind that i'd had a son (she wanted a girl sooo bad). that she had gained a daughter in me. her death was devistating. my man was there. i was watching from our porch as she died. its taken a real toll on all of us.
dealing with this took over our lives for over 2 weeks. its still day to day sometimes. but i had to be strong so my man could grieve. taking care of our son, taking care of the house, taking care of the brand new puppy that came from his mother. dont forget the cat. and our bills. and the shopping. and the cooking. its gotten better now. tho i've just stopped cooking for a while, and had to take almost a week to catch up on the laundry alone.
then another tragedy. someone i love miscarried in her 19th week. i was there for all of it. i felt so guilty that i had this perfect child, that there were women out there right now aborting kids they didn't want, but my T. couldn't have a kid she wanted with everything in her. its not right. didn't seem fair. still doesn't. there are so many kids out there unwanted and unloved. why take away one that would be cherished and brought up with love? how can people have faith that this is a plan of some whimsical god??? why would he take the good people away? leave all the assholes behind to screw over the weak? why must the children suffer most?
i once said that i had nightmares about bringing a child into a world that i've hated for so long. every day, something horrible happens to prove my fears are grounded in reality. the world is an ugly and hateful place. the beauty and the good things are so few and far between most of the time. its true. we appreciate them so much more because of the shit we go thru all the time. but i could appreciate a lil more happiness and a lot less shit just as well.
otherwise. the baby is teething. just as we had him on a schedule and happy, the tooth fairy comes and f$%ks everything up! he's been in so much pain, so the infant tylenol and orajel are his best friend right now. frozen wash clothes, frozen teethers....restless nights and baby cries. its horrible cuz i can't do anything but try to help. and he's usually such a happy baby, its hard to see him in pain.
i think i need to start writing weekly. it helps to put everything down instead of letting it run circles in my head. i'm not even going to go into the rest of the things i worry about constantly. maybe in another rant.
so when i say things have busy, i basically mean that everything has fallen down around me and i'm just barely keeping my head above water. busy busy busy....
Thursday, May 20, 2010
wonder where i've been?
silly people, don't you know that children steal your life and replace it with their wants and needs? HA
actually, i jest. completely jest. in the beginning, we got no sleep. however at 4 and 1/2 months, he's sleeping almost thru the night with one waking for a bottle. we're extremely lucky from what i understand. Marcus is incredible. he smiles, he laughs, he's ticklish. he has rolled from his tummy to back by himself, said Mama and pushed himself up on his hands. he's making milestones way before time, but i'm so proud i could bust.
with that pride also comes a sense of loss tho. he's an infant, already learning to become independent. slowly shedding his need of momma to do everything for him. with each bite from his lil baby spoon, he's moving into being a toddler. the 4 months vanished before my eyes. he went from everything being too big for him to wear, to wearing a 6-9 month size and already outgrowing all the clothes he had!
still. he's thriving. growing, happy, sweet natured. if nothing else, that has to prove i'm doing right by him. though you wouldn't know it to talk to me. sometimes i just think i'm a horrible candidate for a mother. even tho i love him with everything in me. who am i to tell a kid what to do after everything fucked up i did?! one hopes that i will find a way to help him learn from my mistakes, instead of having to put himself in the dangerous situations i did to learn them. that's a hope.
but he has been well taken care of. not a lick of diaper rash. just now has one spot of cradle cap. not even lint between his wee toes. he takes a shower with me every other day and we have tummy time every morning, fun time in the afternoon with nana next door. i'll finish this off with a few pics. who knew i'd have such a beautiful kid. so that's where i've been... with my son. :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
the man said Taa Daa!!
Great news! I popped!!
as of 1/9/10, at 8:35 am, Marcus Alexander has been born! at a whopping 7lbs and 11 oz, 20.5 inches long, he is the best thing to ever happen to me in my entire life.
so the story starts.... i had pre labor cramps thursday all day. called my mom. she and my aunt and grandma made it into town by 9pm that night. later that night, around midnight, my cramps eased off and i thought 'damn. not gonna happen tonight. i was soooo wrong! (did i mention it was snowing, just like in my dream?!?!?)
at 4 am i woke up in pain. i timed the first 3 contractions. they were already 6 minutes apart and hurt enough to take my breath away. i woke up the fiance, he jumped out of bed, got everyone else up and we all headed to the hospital. when we got there, the contractions were 3 minutes apart. they took me up to maternity. i was checked and found out i was only dilated to a 2. ick! so they had me get set up with a blood pressure cuff and gown and wait to see if i would dilate. this was about 530 am. at 930 am, they decided that since i wasn't dilating they would give me morphine and try to get me to rest and dilate. that wore off about 4 hours later, so the contractions started again. at 4pm, the dr came back and found i still was only at a 3 in dilation... they decided to give me give me a pain killer drip and some to sleep in an IV. by this time i was panicking from the pain, lack of sleep, lack of food and the thoughts that this would never end. i was in and out, but could still feel the contractions. it wasn't until 9pm that night when the dr came back and found i STILL hadn't dilated, that he decided to give me an epidural anyways. the intensity of my contractions were so bad, he did it even with out me dilating and even though we didn't know when i would. he decided that after the epidural, he would start me on pitocin to try and force my body into getting ready. i was numbed at 9pm.
i laid in the bed, going in and out from sheer lack of sleep and loss of will. the baby's heart rate started to drop after each of my contractions, and this worried the dr's. so they decided to go ahead and break my water, and insert internal monitors for his heartbeat and my contractions. this was at about 730 am. saturday morning.
while inserting the monitors, she noticed that during contraction, i had dilated to a 5! this was great news! everyone was soooooo happy. including me. i was so ready for this to be over. so was my fiance that had been by my side the entire time. they laid me back, and started to watch and found that in the next 30 min, my contractions went nuts! i was starting to feel them even thru the epidural.
the nurse said she would check me at 820, but ended up going ahead and checking me at 8. I was dilated to a 9! 10 minutes later, i was at a 10. the nurse called my dr to get there quick. she had me push with a contraction to see how well i could push. in one push, i was a +2, the baby's head visible. she had me breath thru the contractions, not pushing for the next 10 minutes till the dr got there.
he ran thru the door just as she put my legs in the stirrups and said i needed to go ahead and start bearing down. i pushed with the first contraction. the baby crowned.
i pushed with the second contraction, the baby's head was out! he told me not to wait for another contraction, just bear down.
i pushed, he said to look look! i looked down and saw my son's head and shoulders!! the dr should have said Taa Daa!
one more push! and Marcus was born! i watched as the dr clamped the cord and cut it. they laid him on my stomach, he kicked and screamed just once, then looked at me, i rubbed his chest, crying. my fiance said the baby's name. marcus looked at him right away. my fiance cried then as well.
our son was born and was perfectly healthy.
all my fears, worries, nightmares... all of them finally laid to rest. i hadn't messed this up, he was perfect and healthy and beautiful. at that moment, i realized Marcus is the best and most wonderful thing i had ever done in my entire life. he is the one thing i am Most proud of. i never thought i could be a mom. now i cant imagine my life with out my son.
its slightly lonely at night, with out the little pat pat in my tummy of his feet. it was hard to not have nightmares about him being lost or something happening to him while in the hospital. he's no longer perfectly safe in my tummy. he's in the world. but holding him makes my heart fly and my emotions stumble. looking into his eyes and watching him recognize my voice makes my world seem like i have purpose. he is the reason i can live on being a proud mother, proud woman and proud partner.
i was in contractions from 7am thursday morning till 7am saturday morning and active labor till 835 when he was born. 48 hours of pain, but it was worth every moment to have him sweetly by my side now. i love my son and hope i can show him just how much over the years to come.
as of 1/9/10, at 8:35 am, Marcus Alexander has been born! at a whopping 7lbs and 11 oz, 20.5 inches long, he is the best thing to ever happen to me in my entire life.
so the story starts.... i had pre labor cramps thursday all day. called my mom. she and my aunt and grandma made it into town by 9pm that night. later that night, around midnight, my cramps eased off and i thought 'damn. not gonna happen tonight. i was soooo wrong! (did i mention it was snowing, just like in my dream?!?!?)
at 4 am i woke up in pain. i timed the first 3 contractions. they were already 6 minutes apart and hurt enough to take my breath away. i woke up the fiance, he jumped out of bed, got everyone else up and we all headed to the hospital. when we got there, the contractions were 3 minutes apart. they took me up to maternity. i was checked and found out i was only dilated to a 2. ick! so they had me get set up with a blood pressure cuff and gown and wait to see if i would dilate. this was about 530 am. at 930 am, they decided that since i wasn't dilating they would give me morphine and try to get me to rest and dilate. that wore off about 4 hours later, so the contractions started again. at 4pm, the dr came back and found i still was only at a 3 in dilation... they decided to give me give me a pain killer drip and some to sleep in an IV. by this time i was panicking from the pain, lack of sleep, lack of food and the thoughts that this would never end. i was in and out, but could still feel the contractions. it wasn't until 9pm that night when the dr came back and found i STILL hadn't dilated, that he decided to give me an epidural anyways. the intensity of my contractions were so bad, he did it even with out me dilating and even though we didn't know when i would. he decided that after the epidural, he would start me on pitocin to try and force my body into getting ready. i was numbed at 9pm.
i laid in the bed, going in and out from sheer lack of sleep and loss of will. the baby's heart rate started to drop after each of my contractions, and this worried the dr's. so they decided to go ahead and break my water, and insert internal monitors for his heartbeat and my contractions. this was at about 730 am. saturday morning.
while inserting the monitors, she noticed that during contraction, i had dilated to a 5! this was great news! everyone was soooooo happy. including me. i was so ready for this to be over. so was my fiance that had been by my side the entire time. they laid me back, and started to watch and found that in the next 30 min, my contractions went nuts! i was starting to feel them even thru the epidural.
the nurse said she would check me at 820, but ended up going ahead and checking me at 8. I was dilated to a 9! 10 minutes later, i was at a 10. the nurse called my dr to get there quick. she had me push with a contraction to see how well i could push. in one push, i was a +2, the baby's head visible. she had me breath thru the contractions, not pushing for the next 10 minutes till the dr got there.
he ran thru the door just as she put my legs in the stirrups and said i needed to go ahead and start bearing down. i pushed with the first contraction. the baby crowned.
i pushed with the second contraction, the baby's head was out! he told me not to wait for another contraction, just bear down.
i pushed, he said to look look! i looked down and saw my son's head and shoulders!! the dr should have said Taa Daa!
one more push! and Marcus was born! i watched as the dr clamped the cord and cut it. they laid him on my stomach, he kicked and screamed just once, then looked at me, i rubbed his chest, crying. my fiance said the baby's name. marcus looked at him right away. my fiance cried then as well.
our son was born and was perfectly healthy.
all my fears, worries, nightmares... all of them finally laid to rest. i hadn't messed this up, he was perfect and healthy and beautiful. at that moment, i realized Marcus is the best and most wonderful thing i had ever done in my entire life. he is the one thing i am Most proud of. i never thought i could be a mom. now i cant imagine my life with out my son.
its slightly lonely at night, with out the little pat pat in my tummy of his feet. it was hard to not have nightmares about him being lost or something happening to him while in the hospital. he's no longer perfectly safe in my tummy. he's in the world. but holding him makes my heart fly and my emotions stumble. looking into his eyes and watching him recognize my voice makes my world seem like i have purpose. he is the reason i can live on being a proud mother, proud woman and proud partner.
i was in contractions from 7am thursday morning till 7am saturday morning and active labor till 835 when he was born. 48 hours of pain, but it was worth every moment to have him sweetly by my side now. i love my son and hope i can show him just how much over the years to come.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Update!!! the final stretch...
well, i'm in the final stretch!
went to the dr today. First, my blood pressure was high. so they had me lay on my left side for a lil while before taking it again. it was normal the second time. So i have been advised i need to rest often and lay on my left side during the day to keep it normal, also to inform them of any bad headaches and/or seeing stars. Next the dr did the lil poke check on my cervix!
the news? I am almost completely effaced (down to 1/2 inch bout) and dilated 1 cm! the dr said he even touched the baby's head! i've actually seen a lil bit of what they call 'the bloody show' tonight, but have been informed that can be caused by sex or the pelvic exam, like i had today. we're looking at my going into labor around this weekend or next week. Next wed is my official due date, so all is well!...
cept for one thing. SNOW!! its supposed to snow its ass off this thursday and then again on saturday. even if i make it thru the weekend, its supposed to snow AGAIN on my due date! crazy huh? even stranger? the one labor dream i had, we were in the car on the way to the hospital, mom in the back seat telling me to breath, while we drove thru the .... wait for it... SNOW!
is that a premonition? no idea! but i'm curious... my mom is supposed to get here on sunday and i'd like to have her here when i go into labor. i'm not as scared of labor, thanx to the multitude of sites and online childbirth classes i've been reading thru. However! having her here would definitely help in determining when i should head to the hospital, if i'm in true labor vs braxton hicks or false labor and reminding me to slow down and focus on my breathing during.
all in all, i'm excited. there was a bounce to my step when i walked out of the dr's office. just knowing that the dr was able to poke my baby's head, that he's in the right position, has dropped and is ready to go..... i can now finally visualize him in my arms. i realize just how close we are to having out little one in the house, cuddled next to us. even my fiance is excited as hell. he joked he'd like to find a big ass spider to shove in my face and scare me into labor!
we're down to the last moments of waiting. each day is feeling longer, each small cramp a possible sign. i realize after the baby is here, we'll be getting no sleep, but the thought of holding our son in our arms overcomes any worries about inconveniences... its the final stretch and i'm ready to make the last leap!
went to the dr today. First, my blood pressure was high. so they had me lay on my left side for a lil while before taking it again. it was normal the second time. So i have been advised i need to rest often and lay on my left side during the day to keep it normal, also to inform them of any bad headaches and/or seeing stars. Next the dr did the lil poke check on my cervix!
the news? I am almost completely effaced (down to 1/2 inch bout) and dilated 1 cm! the dr said he even touched the baby's head! i've actually seen a lil bit of what they call 'the bloody show' tonight, but have been informed that can be caused by sex or the pelvic exam, like i had today. we're looking at my going into labor around this weekend or next week. Next wed is my official due date, so all is well!...
cept for one thing. SNOW!! its supposed to snow its ass off this thursday and then again on saturday. even if i make it thru the weekend, its supposed to snow AGAIN on my due date! crazy huh? even stranger? the one labor dream i had, we were in the car on the way to the hospital, mom in the back seat telling me to breath, while we drove thru the .... wait for it... SNOW!
is that a premonition? no idea! but i'm curious... my mom is supposed to get here on sunday and i'd like to have her here when i go into labor. i'm not as scared of labor, thanx to the multitude of sites and online childbirth classes i've been reading thru. However! having her here would definitely help in determining when i should head to the hospital, if i'm in true labor vs braxton hicks or false labor and reminding me to slow down and focus on my breathing during.
all in all, i'm excited. there was a bounce to my step when i walked out of the dr's office. just knowing that the dr was able to poke my baby's head, that he's in the right position, has dropped and is ready to go..... i can now finally visualize him in my arms. i realize just how close we are to having out little one in the house, cuddled next to us. even my fiance is excited as hell. he joked he'd like to find a big ass spider to shove in my face and scare me into labor!
we're down to the last moments of waiting. each day is feeling longer, each small cramp a possible sign. i realize after the baby is here, we'll be getting no sleep, but the thought of holding our son in our arms overcomes any worries about inconveniences... its the final stretch and i'm ready to make the last leap!
Monday, January 4, 2010
motherhood and what it entails towards the end of pregnancy
I have 9 days left till my due date.
most of you know, i'm pregnant as hell! so i just wanted to share a few things the normal pregnant woman might not :)
i'm tired as hell, but some how get the 2 am urge to clean the oven.
i crave sunkist, raspberry sorbet and cheesecake.
we decorated the nursery in dr seuss so there would be no pastels in our life :) but now i have rhymes in my head 24/7.
i haven't seen my nani in over a month and half with out the use of contortion and a hand mirror. shaving blind is out of the question.
i cry any time there is one of those commercials on tv with the hurt kitties and puppies, or any show/commercial with sad old men.
my legs spaz for no reason at night time and my hips feel like someone has pulled my legs in opposing directions like an abused barbie doll.
heartburn is never ending, but antacids give me gas. its a toss up as to which one is more uncomfortable.
i'm horny as hell, but sex brings on a session of 'Braxton Hicks' contractions - which can feel like early labor this far in.
trying to get out of bed requires more grace than i have and help from my fiance half the time. when the cat is sleeping on my side of the bed, its an even more strange dance of 'humpty dumpty rolling around the kitty'.
i have nightmares/dreams that should be turned into Spielberg movies. Magic rings to find the kid, mountain getaways that include monster run flea markets, zombie apocalypse running with my mom and aunt jacking cars, and bio warfare while we hideaway in a basement in Greece that is stocked full of wine and cheese....
and lastly-
i'm ready for the baby to be here. i want to see him, hold him and cuddle him, but the fear of labor has my knees clamped together tighter than maximum security prisons.
aaaaaaaahh motherhood :)
most of you know, i'm pregnant as hell! so i just wanted to share a few things the normal pregnant woman might not :)
i'm tired as hell, but some how get the 2 am urge to clean the oven.
i crave sunkist, raspberry sorbet and cheesecake.
we decorated the nursery in dr seuss so there would be no pastels in our life :) but now i have rhymes in my head 24/7.
i haven't seen my nani in over a month and half with out the use of contortion and a hand mirror. shaving blind is out of the question.
i cry any time there is one of those commercials on tv with the hurt kitties and puppies, or any show/commercial with sad old men.
my legs spaz for no reason at night time and my hips feel like someone has pulled my legs in opposing directions like an abused barbie doll.
heartburn is never ending, but antacids give me gas. its a toss up as to which one is more uncomfortable.
i'm horny as hell, but sex brings on a session of 'Braxton Hicks' contractions - which can feel like early labor this far in.
trying to get out of bed requires more grace than i have and help from my fiance half the time. when the cat is sleeping on my side of the bed, its an even more strange dance of 'humpty dumpty rolling around the kitty'.
i have nightmares/dreams that should be turned into Spielberg movies. Magic rings to find the kid, mountain getaways that include monster run flea markets, zombie apocalypse running with my mom and aunt jacking cars, and bio warfare while we hideaway in a basement in Greece that is stocked full of wine and cheese....
and lastly-
i'm ready for the baby to be here. i want to see him, hold him and cuddle him, but the fear of labor has my knees clamped together tighter than maximum security prisons.
aaaaaaaahh motherhood :)
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