black days

have you ever had one of those days where everything is just a lil darker, just a lil less sparkly and the walls seem to close in?

i've woken up with this feeling today. its been interesting. mainly because i'm not sure what to do with it. before i would play loud music and do some crazyness in my apt. but just as i had gotten into that kind of routine, i'm now living with my love. its different, so how do i get this out?

well we could draw. we could clean the house. we could open download music and listen to it mutely on the laptop. then again, opening the windows and getting this sick feeling out of the pit of my stomach would be better.

who knows why days like this happens? is it some latent bs residing in the back of your mind. is it just left over feelings from bad dreams? or is it just freaking hormones because it might be close to the moon week of your month?

we dont know. but we want it gone! we dont feel oppressed, except by our own limitations. we dont feel particularly sad. just anxious. almost on edge. like there's something crazy in the pit of my stomach. its not so bad for me. if i'm alone. however, the poor man living with me. ooh yes, he gets the edge every time. my sharp tongue and pissy attitude is lil comfort to someone, anyone.

we are just realizing that half of the time 'we' are speaking in the plural. that's a bad sign, yes? oh well, nothing to be done now- right?

godbless this blog makes no freaking sense. that's how out there my head is today. completely detached from anything else except that sense of something wrong. Now, if i end up predicting something crazy and kinda bad happening, i'll know the sick fucked up feeling in my head connected directly to my gut then straight with quivering motions to my fingers and toes. i'll know its just me being psychic. LMAO. ya.

its like having a small tremor inside your body and not being able to control it, but knowing that u need to DO something with it. and no ffs, its not a panick attack. i'd be pacing instead of typing it out right now. no. this is a need for something. but for once, i can't identify what will satisfy the odd craving in my head and heart. its dark, kinda craggy, like wanting to strike at oneself. maybe a piercing will satisfy the demon?

ya know, sometimes i wish i had one of those ipod thingys so i could walk around with ear phones in and have theme music for everywhere i went or did. i could lay in the yard and listen to my own theme music... only problem is, even in the sunshine, i'd end up listening to My Dying Bride right now.

thats it for today. oh one last note. i threw a birthday party for my beau. it turned into 2 days of beer pong, pizza, rock band and people sleeping in odd places. it was a good thing. made him happy. that's what i do. now i just have to stop being a bitch. that would totally help.

wooohooo... or something

weeeeeeeeeeeell-

i am 27 as of today. well technically its now 2 hours passed but you get my drift. dont feel any older. haven't really felt older since i hit about 23. HOWEVER. it was bought to my attention that hitting 30 is a bigger deal than i thought. i thought it was just a number. nothing more! but no. its also the transition into a different stage of life, different label, different check box on the survey thingy...its middle aged.

Now, that sounds daunting as hell. i mean, middle aged means you are no longer in your youth, your 20's or even close. even though the cougars of our time are now saying that 50 is the new 30, doesn't make me happy about the fact that i noticed i have a freaking wrinkle on my forehead today and thought-'SHIT. middle age in 3 years and already i'm fading fast!'

HOWEVER- i have found the silver lining. if there is the one thing that comes with age, it is the fact that people in your family stop telling you what to do, and start instead giving 'advice'. ;) wink wink nudge nudge say no more! ALSO- you get the right to have what is officially called a 'mid life crisis'. This means a type of temporary insanity in which you can lose your freaking mind for a period of time, do all kinds of crazy 'omg bob, what are you doin?!?!' types of things. and get away with it. seriously. they just say 'oh.... they're having a mid life crisis- ooooh.. i see i see' so there. good things. and i'm a chick. so i can always act mildly crazy and claim hormones. that's a total out that women have exploited even to the legal level now. jeez man. if it didn't come with bleeding for a week and feeling like bitch slapping every person in sight, it wouldn't' really be all that bad at all.

I digress. the point is. i'm 27. and i'm already having my mid life crisis. i'm changing my career drastically, trying to make all these amendments to how i've been going about life so that i can have a happier standard of living.... so who cares about middle age? i'll just be an older version of myself still wearing my cradle of filth t shirt to bed and my cargo camo shorts to hang out in the house when i'm graying and dont give a damn anymore cuz i'm happy and that's all that matters. :)

so- woo hoo or something. i made it through another year. impressive huh? and some of you didn't think i would make it past 21! HA! that's in yo face :)