the service

it was lovely. at least three estranged family members came and made peace. J and i both spoke without falling completely apart. a lot of crying. a lot of sobbing. a lot of darkness... no more light...it went well.

as well as the funeral for your infant son Can go. my angel is gone. he now rests in a tiny plastic box until his final urn is made and ready. a lock of hair and some ashes. that's what i have left of my baby. he was utterly perfect and just overwhelming awesome. not in the surfer lingo 'awesome', but as in to create 'Awe' in someone from the incredibility.

Fair of hair and eye, my sweet sweet babe. over a year and half, he easily became my son, my moon, my stars. my very morning ritual started with filling his bottle and starting his oatmeal (with cream and fruit) along with the coffee... now? i dont have a reason to get out of bed. there is nothing left inside me. i'm empty and devoid of care for anything or anyone else. i am appreciative, grateful and humbled. but otherwise can only feel the gaping hole that was my heart.

its like someone took from the top of my breasts and hollowed out my torso. a gaping maw of a wound, scraped clean with dirty knives, my everything died in that moment. the pain is physical... from a dull ache to a sharp unrelenting pain that doubles me over.

i live that moment over and over. turning him over in the crib to find him blue and cold....... i can't do it yet. i can't think about it withotu losing it.

WHY??? WTF did i DO? WHY MY BABY????? I loved him with all that i was. he made me into a new person. he made me want to be a better person. now all i want is pain, some kind of physical pain to match the pain in my chest. i want my baby boy back. i want this stupid fucking world to stop taking the ones i love. i want to understand how this can be ok!?!?! A sweet innocent child, WHY THE FUCK DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM??????? you answer me that, God or gods, or what ever the hell is out there. you have destroyed everything i've loved over the course of many years, but now... now i have even less to lose than before.

the only thing that keeps me tethered here is : a) i wouldn't give this pain to my own mother. i wouldn't give it to my worst enemy (cept one person i can think of). b) the support and overwhelming response from my friends and family. i really didn't know or think that many people loves us. as much as i hate the world, i can't leave J to face it alone. and i wont ask him to leave it with me. so i guess we're stuck here until we find some small bit of joy again..... just to have it snatched away....





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