its been a while

so-

what has happened in the long ass time its taken me to get back to writing?


I had friends in that i only get to see really once a year as they stay with me for a music festival in our area. its 4 days of music, camping and every other kind of debauchery you can think of. i haven't found an outlet to bring forth my inner lush better than this festival.

needless to say i spent alot of my youth experimenting with different substances, however the one thing i finally learned at the expense of a small chunk of my sanity, moderation. always in moderation and everything will be ok. but if you can't moderate yourself, then dont do it at all. otherwise the effects are all ur own fault. :)

so that being said. once a year, we get together and act like total hippies for 4 days. its great. the music was wonderful and the time with my friends even better.

ok. otherwise. i cut my hair. ya not all of it. just chopped it up a bit more. it was one of those 'omg i'm going to explode if i dont do something crazy!!!' moments. i would dye it but as it doesn't take dye anymore from that habit..... here ya go. family is coming in town. i have to get my car fixed. i'm still laid off adn living off the govt. i'm still working on my toons for my greeting card idea. i'm just in stasis.

like floating with no idea of when you might stop. will you float forever or decide to search for land? is there even land to be had or is this just the penacle of not caring? hell i dont even know for myself anymore. i've lost that goal in mind. that place i was searching for. finding physical comfort, i now search for nothing. with out this driving force, i've found i have no motivation.

WHY? why does one need a reward in order to have a driving force? I want my rewards back!

like a kid with candy, i would horde my lil candy pieces until i had done something successfully. then i would give myself a reward with a lil piece.

now i just look at each day as another and they all blend together into this mush. the scary part is its driving that darkest part of me to the surface. that need for pain. that need for punishment. that need for blood. the savageness that i try to hide so much, the raging inferno inside that i have tamed to embers for the sake of living sanely.

the normality i have reached has now become a burden i bear. i know nothing but to shrug it off. but with it, does the lil bit of calm i've created in my head go with it? do i lose all the progress with the image? i like to think my personality is stronger than that, but how should i know? i've strived to conform for the sake of other's happiness for so many years, do i even know who i am anymore? all i know is i miss the pain. its there, but i can't tap into it anymore. i cant touch it and know it anymore. if i do i'm afraid i will shatter and all the control and bars and locks and walls i've put up will wither away.

all speculation. either i have the confidence in my own strength to gain back the darkest sweetest desires locked in my heart with out reverting to the queen bitch i was. OR i'm a pussy. that's the options in my eyes. weakness is not acceptable. we shall see how i fare over the next month.