should i? could i?

Crouched over You were not there Living in fear But signs were not really that scarce
Obvious tears But I will not Hide you through this I want you to help them, please see
The bleeding heart perched on my shirt
Die, withdraw Hide in cold sweat Quivering lips Ignore remorse Naming a kid, living wasteland This time i've tried All that i can turning me red
Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I
Here we are with my obsession
Should I, could I




I haven't written in a while. i have been up and down, all around, manic, depressed, insomnia, sleeping too long....i have moments where i think i can turn this pain into something else. get e it out and then bring attention to the problem. when people love a child or parent and then lose them out from under their noses... its debilitating. i feel sorry for anyone that's been in our place. its hell. but a hell we live in daily. unable to change the things around me, i have taken apt interest in myself. i'm selfish anyways, so it comes naturally. however, it makes me sick. i see a picture and i realize that was mine. my little boy. he's been gone for over 3 and a half months now. i wish i was dead. i just dont care about life, or what is next. if i didn't have so many that love me and would be hurt, taking on my pain; i'd have quit this crappy place. but i can't. can't die. can't live. i have cramps...that's good right?

i'm scared because deep inside, every time i see a child, i ache with loss. i ache because i have no way to ever see my lil man ever again. all i have is memories and mementos. its so damn unfair. why. He came down, said 'erica. here is a gift that will change your life, give you purpose and make you happy till the end of your days'..... my angel came. but just as soon as i was comfortable and in love with being mommy.... He took him away, saying 'erica. he was the best thing that ever happened to you. make something good of his time. make him proud. but someone else needs him now.'..... i can't figure out what i did wrong. i just want to know. i can't bring him back, but still not knowing because the state is effing slow!! is bs. they cut up my baby AND STILL unable to tell me what is wrong, why he is gone. assholes.

i'm scared i can't make this pain into anything, and it will fester and boil over. i have to get it out. but i dont know how. or what i can even do. i never thot i'd be this person. i'm weak and pathetic. i had a panic attack on the phone with my father. i've never shown someone i respect so much the ugliest side of mine. the darkness that's left in me. the sucking black hole that will just keep taking my soul into eternal winter. until i can deal, i will pull the crazy card on my shrink. wont be hard since i dont have to pretend. just show him under the mask. just what crazed and miserable, pathetic and selfish person lives under there.

i dont even want to be me. i'm so confused. and i'm too damn old to feel this way. i'm too damn old to start over. i'm too damn tired and old to keep going. i'm pissed because an old friend refuses to talk to me. i'm pissed because i miss my sissy and bro. i'm pissed because i can't do anything for myself right now. i'm pissed that i'm this weak.


run, desire, run
a sexual being
run him like a blade
to and through the heart, no conscience
one motive: cater to the hollow

screaming feed me here
fill me up again
temporarily pacify this hunger that's so cruel

libido throw
dominoes of indiscretions down
falling all around in cycles, in circles
constantly consuming, conquering, devour.

'cause its time to bring the fire down
throttle all this indiscretion
long enough to edify
and permanently fill this hollow

screaming feed me here
fill me up again
temporarily pacifying
feed me here
fill me up again
temporarily pacifying
---a perfect circle 'the hollow'