Crouched over You were not there Living in fear But signs were not really that scarce
Obvious tears But I will not Hide you through this I want you to help them, please see
The bleeding heart perched on my shirt
Die, withdraw Hide in cold sweat Quivering lips Ignore remorse Naming a kid, living wasteland This time i've tried All that i can turning me red
Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I
Here we are with my obsession
Should I, could I
I haven't written in a while. i have been up and down, all around, manic, depressed, insomnia, sleeping too long....i have moments where i think i can turn this pain into something else. get e it out and then bring attention to the problem. when people love a child or parent and then lose them out from under their noses... its debilitating. i feel sorry for anyone that's been in our place. its hell. but a hell we live in daily. unable to change the things around me, i have taken apt interest in myself. i'm selfish anyways, so it comes naturally. however, it makes me sick. i see a picture and i realize that was mine. my little boy. he's been gone for over 3 and a half months now. i wish i was dead. i just dont care about life, or what is next. if i didn't have so many that love me and would be hurt, taking on my pain; i'd have quit this crappy place. but i can't. can't die. can't live. i have cramps...that's good right?
i'm scared because deep inside, every time i see a child, i ache with loss. i ache because i have no way to ever see my lil man ever again. all i have is memories and mementos. its so damn unfair. why. He came down, said 'erica. here is a gift that will change your life, give you purpose and make you happy till the end of your days'..... my angel came. but just as soon as i was comfortable and in love with being mommy.... He took him away, saying 'erica. he was the best thing that ever happened to you. make something good of his time. make him proud. but someone else needs him now.'..... i can't figure out what i did wrong. i just want to know. i can't bring him back, but still not knowing because the state is effing slow!! is bs. they cut up my baby AND STILL unable to tell me what is wrong, why he is gone. assholes.
i'm scared i can't make this pain into anything, and it will fester and boil over. i have to get it out. but i dont know how. or what i can even do. i never thot i'd be this person. i'm weak and pathetic. i had a panic attack on the phone with my father. i've never shown someone i respect so much the ugliest side of mine. the darkness that's left in me. the sucking black hole that will just keep taking my soul into eternal winter. until i can deal, i will pull the crazy card on my shrink. wont be hard since i dont have to pretend. just show him under the mask. just what crazed and miserable, pathetic and selfish person lives under there.
i dont even want to be me. i'm so confused. and i'm too damn old to feel this way. i'm too damn old to start over. i'm too damn tired and old to keep going. i'm pissed because an old friend refuses to talk to me. i'm pissed because i miss my sissy and bro. i'm pissed because i can't do anything for myself right now. i'm pissed that i'm this weak.
run, desire, run
a sexual being
run him like a blade
to and through the heart, no conscience
one motive: cater to the hollow
screaming feed me here
fill me up again
temporarily pacify this hunger that's so cruel
libido throw
dominoes of indiscretions down
falling all around in cycles, in circles
constantly consuming, conquering, devour.
'cause its time to bring the fire down
throttle all this indiscretion
long enough to edify
and permanently fill this hollow
screaming feed me here
fill me up again
temporarily pacifying
feed me here
fill me up again
temporarily pacifying
---a perfect circle 'the hollow'
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
nothing left
Kill me now, while I still have a soul to take. If I dont see tomorrow, I'll be glad not to wake. I have nothing left inside, nothing left to break. replacing him with this pain, everything else just seems fake.
home is where the heart is?
if home is where the heart is, then where do you go while your heart is in shreds?
i came back to the house. i came back for j. i thought i had a little bit of a grip, had done a little bit of healing in the three weeks away. however, upon coming back, i realize i have done nothing. i'm just as messed up and torn up inside as ever. i felt better, but all i have done is cry off and on all day today. everywhere i look, i see my lil man. i miss him so effing bad. i missed my meds for 2 days. i went thru partial dt's this morning, then got back on today. out of xanny for the moment however, and no liquor in the house. i'm a mess.
i had a panick attack earlier in the day, to the point that j walked me outside and i dont remember us getting there. just him telling me to breathe. and then a huge bug hit my ankle and actually scared me out of it for a few moments, then it came rushing back and i was back in tears. an hour and half later, i was laying with my head in j's lap on the couch willing myself to sleep.
the kittens cry and i ache. i haven't lost the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach or the ache in my chest all day. it just lingers there. i had forgotten while being at mom's how much it hurt to be here. i had forgotten just what a gloomy air hangs about the house, the pressure-like sadness that pushes at me. but i can't even worry about it. even though all i do is cry, i have to get a job, make hella cash before oct 6 and save. i dont know how, but i have to save and get us out of here. i will go mad in this house. it echos of the happiness i had for such a short period of time.
my time at mom's was wonderful. i love my parents so much and have such a wonderful brother and sissy (love you hatchi). being with them helped. unfortunately, my skin hates that place. still. everything hates this place. even though lubbock itself is a cool town, the people are ultimately incredible or horribly immature. even though i spent my time writing, sleeping, drinking, talking with my mom, spending time with my brother, in the background was the crap that is that town. i want to just grab up the people i love, eliminate the ones i dont and put everyone in one place, a kick ass city. the town still didn't touch the gold that was being home with mom. it couldn't.
yet here i am. in this bed. with his blanket. crying. and blogging. i hope that everyone understands i'm writing the things i can't say, that i write in the hopes of finding a path again. i know it sounds negative. i know i sound simply angry and rude and bitchy. however, at the same time, i write every day in a journal one thing i'm thankful for. i try to keep some kind of routine that makes it normal. but its been two months since losing my baby boy and i still can't stand it. i dont know how it will ever stop hurting. all i know is i have a lot of shit to take care of, all of which require massive amounts of cash. i love how the world just revolves around money. its so simple yet so evil. what's the value on a mother's tears? how much do you think they would place on the fear, anger, desperation, uncertainty, loss and woe while mourning a lost child? probably nothing, since it would be considered 'humanities' and we all know that's not something the govt cares about in the least. they care about money. and there is no profit in caring about the people. only in getting re-elected.
again, i digress. simply put. we shall see. i have no idea if i can stand this. i dont know if i can make it in this memory locked space. that sounds dramatic and stupid. but crying every moment i'm home isn't exactly good for a person. thank god for meds that make me sleep. they should kick in soon. and i can stop freaking for just a little while. that will be nice.
there was no over all point to my catterwallings, however just a need. for something other than pain. just a little numbness until i can handle it? everything is so overwhelming. too many things at once life just never stops to let us take a breath and rest. i suppose this is where guys 'suck it up' and girls are supposed to put on a pretty mask that all will be ok. i'm too damn scared anymore to do it. its so late for me. and i'm back where i started. just so damn scared.
but every journey starts with a single step and if that step is wrong, you simply step back and try again. my father talked to me as well in texas. those were his words. he is right. he reminded me that 'fear is the mind killer'.
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
i came back to the house. i came back for j. i thought i had a little bit of a grip, had done a little bit of healing in the three weeks away. however, upon coming back, i realize i have done nothing. i'm just as messed up and torn up inside as ever. i felt better, but all i have done is cry off and on all day today. everywhere i look, i see my lil man. i miss him so effing bad. i missed my meds for 2 days. i went thru partial dt's this morning, then got back on today. out of xanny for the moment however, and no liquor in the house. i'm a mess.
i had a panick attack earlier in the day, to the point that j walked me outside and i dont remember us getting there. just him telling me to breathe. and then a huge bug hit my ankle and actually scared me out of it for a few moments, then it came rushing back and i was back in tears. an hour and half later, i was laying with my head in j's lap on the couch willing myself to sleep.
the kittens cry and i ache. i haven't lost the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach or the ache in my chest all day. it just lingers there. i had forgotten while being at mom's how much it hurt to be here. i had forgotten just what a gloomy air hangs about the house, the pressure-like sadness that pushes at me. but i can't even worry about it. even though all i do is cry, i have to get a job, make hella cash before oct 6 and save. i dont know how, but i have to save and get us out of here. i will go mad in this house. it echos of the happiness i had for such a short period of time.
my time at mom's was wonderful. i love my parents so much and have such a wonderful brother and sissy (love you hatchi). being with them helped. unfortunately, my skin hates that place. still. everything hates this place. even though lubbock itself is a cool town, the people are ultimately incredible or horribly immature. even though i spent my time writing, sleeping, drinking, talking with my mom, spending time with my brother, in the background was the crap that is that town. i want to just grab up the people i love, eliminate the ones i dont and put everyone in one place, a kick ass city. the town still didn't touch the gold that was being home with mom. it couldn't.
yet here i am. in this bed. with his blanket. crying. and blogging. i hope that everyone understands i'm writing the things i can't say, that i write in the hopes of finding a path again. i know it sounds negative. i know i sound simply angry and rude and bitchy. however, at the same time, i write every day in a journal one thing i'm thankful for. i try to keep some kind of routine that makes it normal. but its been two months since losing my baby boy and i still can't stand it. i dont know how it will ever stop hurting. all i know is i have a lot of shit to take care of, all of which require massive amounts of cash. i love how the world just revolves around money. its so simple yet so evil. what's the value on a mother's tears? how much do you think they would place on the fear, anger, desperation, uncertainty, loss and woe while mourning a lost child? probably nothing, since it would be considered 'humanities' and we all know that's not something the govt cares about in the least. they care about money. and there is no profit in caring about the people. only in getting re-elected.
again, i digress. simply put. we shall see. i have no idea if i can stand this. i dont know if i can make it in this memory locked space. that sounds dramatic and stupid. but crying every moment i'm home isn't exactly good for a person. thank god for meds that make me sleep. they should kick in soon. and i can stop freaking for just a little while. that will be nice.
there was no over all point to my catterwallings, however just a need. for something other than pain. just a little numbness until i can handle it? everything is so overwhelming. too many things at once life just never stops to let us take a breath and rest. i suppose this is where guys 'suck it up' and girls are supposed to put on a pretty mask that all will be ok. i'm too damn scared anymore to do it. its so late for me. and i'm back where i started. just so damn scared.
but every journey starts with a single step and if that step is wrong, you simply step back and try again. my father talked to me as well in texas. those were his words. he is right. he reminded me that 'fear is the mind killer'.
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
Thursday, September 1, 2011
long nights
i can't explain The voice now in my head All i know is the pain Wishing i was dead
There's nothing to do But wait for it to end So dark without you No light around the bend
You were my everything My wonderous show of love Now i can't love anything Not even the invisible man above.
The anger pulls my strings But you awoke my heart Every memory stings No one will ever fill your part.
Rest well my sweet baby as a star in the sky While no-longer-mommy Is left to wonder why.....
its a particularly hard night. the last few weeks i've been staying in texas with my parents. J was able to come for a long weekend, but not long enough. even the thought of returning to that house makes me wanna cry. life without marcus is surface at best and heart rending. i looked to an old friend for the preoffered comfort only to find i had been pushed away. its been hard being back. everyone has their lives and i'm not a part of that anymore. so i float in and out, in my little back house, crying at night and putting on the mask of happy during the day. all so my mom will not realize that i'm so not ready to leave. she wants me to heal, but i dont have enough time to. j is back home working. given, he only has to spend a few hours in the house during the week, and i'm there 24 hours. still. its hard being apart. ]
we obviously dont get everything we want in life, but can i not just have one effing thing that doesn't get taken away after i fall in love and put my everything into it, or not be abused? or maybe just a cure for the eczema, or the thyroid problems, or avoid the death of over 5 family members in the last two years.....now combine with an estate battle, lawyer fees, job finding suckyness and a major hate for the world in general anyways and you have my life. i was given a voice and the ability to clean things when ocd. otherwise, i'm a jack of all trades, but master of none. guess that goes for everything in life. seeing as how i dealt with 25 pages of text on why i was a c**t for not hanging out with someone when i had no idea there was an internet argument blocking the path to everyone getting along. and suicidal past relationship that are now fat and insulting on a level i can't describe other than arrogant for a man that ranks a 4 at best. and not getting to dallas to say thank you to everyone thanks to the shittyness of them upping my meds and my crying fits.
otherwise, i act out, drink when i'm not supposed to and try to come up with a plan of attack for the next year while figuring out what the FUCK i'm still doing on this stupid planet. why i couldn't even die right. why i had to live thru all this bs. unless god plans on taking a limb, he can't do a damn thing to me now that would hurt more than losing my only son and sunshine. eat that, mr invisible man upstairs that knows all and sees all.. where the fuck were you when my son was suffocating? or when i was being called a whale in middle school or when i was abused as a kid, or any of the assholish things you have put me thru all my stupid life. i see a serious disproportion in how 'god loves to give gifts' as the pamplet said and how life has really been. if the world ends next year, i'm going down, inhaling one of gods own plants, drunk and then plan to ask st peter what the FUCK it was all for. then take my stupid wings and harp and go find some place i can sit and smoke with jesus. we can debate just what we think of mankind in general. i'm pretty sure as a man, he didn't like the world much better than i did. it was his dad's agenda anyways.
i digress. i'm angry. i'm so damn angry. but so empty and lost. i dont trust myself. only that i will wake up so i can realize again my son is gone, as i do every morning and weep, shower, and go about my day trying to figure out where to go from here....what's a 'not-a-mom-anymore' supposed to do? specially when the person i love wants a family ultimately. i risk being alone if i come up with the wrong answer,. and draw it out for a year, as they say not to make any decisions for a year. ....only 4 more months before they can disclose the autopsy and findings...4 months wondering what happened to my baby. its hell on a stick. and i am supposed to learn to deal with this during that time. ya. i hate the justice system, i hate the legal system, i hate the government system and i hate people in general. i'm lucky to have met so many of you that have been there for me. ya'll are the only luck i've ever had. so thank you. now i'm finishing this bottle of wine and trying to black out before dawn.
i miss you marcus. mommy misses you every day, my precious baby boy, i love you.
There's nothing to do But wait for it to end So dark without you No light around the bend
You were my everything My wonderous show of love Now i can't love anything Not even the invisible man above.
The anger pulls my strings But you awoke my heart Every memory stings No one will ever fill your part.
Rest well my sweet baby as a star in the sky While no-longer-mommy Is left to wonder why.....
its a particularly hard night. the last few weeks i've been staying in texas with my parents. J was able to come for a long weekend, but not long enough. even the thought of returning to that house makes me wanna cry. life without marcus is surface at best and heart rending. i looked to an old friend for the preoffered comfort only to find i had been pushed away. its been hard being back. everyone has their lives and i'm not a part of that anymore. so i float in and out, in my little back house, crying at night and putting on the mask of happy during the day. all so my mom will not realize that i'm so not ready to leave. she wants me to heal, but i dont have enough time to. j is back home working. given, he only has to spend a few hours in the house during the week, and i'm there 24 hours. still. its hard being apart. ]
we obviously dont get everything we want in life, but can i not just have one effing thing that doesn't get taken away after i fall in love and put my everything into it, or not be abused? or maybe just a cure for the eczema, or the thyroid problems, or avoid the death of over 5 family members in the last two years.....now combine with an estate battle, lawyer fees, job finding suckyness and a major hate for the world in general anyways and you have my life. i was given a voice and the ability to clean things when ocd. otherwise, i'm a jack of all trades, but master of none. guess that goes for everything in life. seeing as how i dealt with 25 pages of text on why i was a c**t for not hanging out with someone when i had no idea there was an internet argument blocking the path to everyone getting along. and suicidal past relationship that are now fat and insulting on a level i can't describe other than arrogant for a man that ranks a 4 at best. and not getting to dallas to say thank you to everyone thanks to the shittyness of them upping my meds and my crying fits.
otherwise, i act out, drink when i'm not supposed to and try to come up with a plan of attack for the next year while figuring out what the FUCK i'm still doing on this stupid planet. why i couldn't even die right. why i had to live thru all this bs. unless god plans on taking a limb, he can't do a damn thing to me now that would hurt more than losing my only son and sunshine. eat that, mr invisible man upstairs that knows all and sees all.. where the fuck were you when my son was suffocating? or when i was being called a whale in middle school or when i was abused as a kid, or any of the assholish things you have put me thru all my stupid life. i see a serious disproportion in how 'god loves to give gifts' as the pamplet said and how life has really been. if the world ends next year, i'm going down, inhaling one of gods own plants, drunk and then plan to ask st peter what the FUCK it was all for. then take my stupid wings and harp and go find some place i can sit and smoke with jesus. we can debate just what we think of mankind in general. i'm pretty sure as a man, he didn't like the world much better than i did. it was his dad's agenda anyways.
i digress. i'm angry. i'm so damn angry. but so empty and lost. i dont trust myself. only that i will wake up so i can realize again my son is gone, as i do every morning and weep, shower, and go about my day trying to figure out where to go from here....what's a 'not-a-mom-anymore' supposed to do? specially when the person i love wants a family ultimately. i risk being alone if i come up with the wrong answer,. and draw it out for a year, as they say not to make any decisions for a year. ....only 4 more months before they can disclose the autopsy and findings...4 months wondering what happened to my baby. its hell on a stick. and i am supposed to learn to deal with this during that time. ya. i hate the justice system, i hate the legal system, i hate the government system and i hate people in general. i'm lucky to have met so many of you that have been there for me. ya'll are the only luck i've ever had. so thank you. now i'm finishing this bottle of wine and trying to black out before dawn.
i miss you marcus. mommy misses you every day, my precious baby boy, i love you.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
the time that has no matter Part 2
the original reason for this title was the pure fact, in facing the fact that had been a month without my baby, yet it seems as tho it was last week. time is so warped for me. the days make no difference. i dont know what's really going on around me, i just crunch numbers and somehow keep the bills paid. its hard when we're both in therapy, and for my fiance, he's lost his mother and child in less than a year of one another. we've all had so much shit the last two years, its just wrong.
today i had a very candid convo with my mom. i told her why i was mad at god. that since i was little, he's been kicking me in the face. that i've had my fair share of abuse and pain, why must he heap the holiest of all holies, losing your only son, on me as well? really? the ptsd i already have wasn't enough for him? the years of therapy, the medicines, the 13 years of eczema that made my skin fall off wasn't enough either?
i got asked today when i started displaying the first signs of ptsd. i realized it was when i started cutting at 13. i was a secret cutter from ages 13-21. i wore long sleeve sweaters to hide it. i've promised those that knew i wouldn't do that anymore, but i can't think of anything else that truly pushishes my body like i need to feel. i hurt so much inside, its like i need pain outside to distract me for just the barest of moments. i talked to mo mom about the tattoo i want. the ankh with marcus's initials and birth/death dates across it. the topper to my later full back piece of egytian isis wings.
today was one of the bad days... one of the days where i cry more than not. that i can't stop shaking. that my chest literally hurts like i'm having a heart attack, my throat is choked so i can't breath and all i can see is finding him cold and blue over and over and over. the flashbacks and nightmares are the worst part. they never stop. they've given me every combo of sleeping meds lately, and i've only had one night i didn't dream. only one night i didn't find my baby dead again.
people tell me day by day. it feels like hour by hour, but in one long day...the last two years feel unreal. was it ever real? was i even a mom? i have these stretch marks that were my badge of courage. now they are a reminder that i'm no longer a mom. every time. i found two of his binkies today. i fell apart. i sleep with his blanket still. it still smells just a little bit like him. i cry to sleep every night. or pass out from sheer exhaustion. i've had people tell me to go abck to work, but the general consenses its too early. even by my therapist's standards. i can't stand having to send j to work. he has bad days to where he just has to come home and cry.
i told my mother there had better be a DAMN good purpose for my life on this earth, otherwise i have no reason to like a diety that takes everything i love. everything i ever put my heart into get effed or dies. over and over, that celestial kick to the ribs while i'm down. why? wtf did i do that was so wrong? what could i have done that was horrible that he'd take my baby????? what did i do wrong. i can't understand it. and still the toxocology reports haven't come back. so no answers as to what was wrong. why he's no longer with me. i need answers and all they do is look at me with hollow eyes and tell me i'll get the info soon as its ready. they have my laptop as well, so i've had to turn down 3 possible jobs. we're scraping because what are we supposed to do????
why at a time like this, aren't people taken care of? for god sakes, make a fund to those who've lost children, and 'm sure most mothers of military kids would be members. that's why. they lose their sons for no reason all the time. i lost mine for no reason. i understand their rage. but at least they can be angry with politics or the president or congress.... all i have is myself to blame. i was here. i am his mother...was his mother.. it was my responsibility to take care of him. and he's gone.
the black hole that is my life has come full circle with the loss of my grandfather when i needed him, and now the loss of my son, who defined my world. death has taken everything i love. ill luck has falled everything i've ever tried at. since when was i gods whipping boy? i dont want to be this fucking strong!! i dont want to have to live though this. but he made sure others would keep me here. take away the only thing in this world that has EVER made me happy but not let me follow. sounds like a cruel man. not a benevolent god.
so stop warping my space, my time, my life. all the things that matter are nothing but star dust now. so who cares....
today i had a very candid convo with my mom. i told her why i was mad at god. that since i was little, he's been kicking me in the face. that i've had my fair share of abuse and pain, why must he heap the holiest of all holies, losing your only son, on me as well? really? the ptsd i already have wasn't enough for him? the years of therapy, the medicines, the 13 years of eczema that made my skin fall off wasn't enough either?
i got asked today when i started displaying the first signs of ptsd. i realized it was when i started cutting at 13. i was a secret cutter from ages 13-21. i wore long sleeve sweaters to hide it. i've promised those that knew i wouldn't do that anymore, but i can't think of anything else that truly pushishes my body like i need to feel. i hurt so much inside, its like i need pain outside to distract me for just the barest of moments. i talked to mo mom about the tattoo i want. the ankh with marcus's initials and birth/death dates across it. the topper to my later full back piece of egytian isis wings.
today was one of the bad days... one of the days where i cry more than not. that i can't stop shaking. that my chest literally hurts like i'm having a heart attack, my throat is choked so i can't breath and all i can see is finding him cold and blue over and over and over. the flashbacks and nightmares are the worst part. they never stop. they've given me every combo of sleeping meds lately, and i've only had one night i didn't dream. only one night i didn't find my baby dead again.
people tell me day by day. it feels like hour by hour, but in one long day...the last two years feel unreal. was it ever real? was i even a mom? i have these stretch marks that were my badge of courage. now they are a reminder that i'm no longer a mom. every time. i found two of his binkies today. i fell apart. i sleep with his blanket still. it still smells just a little bit like him. i cry to sleep every night. or pass out from sheer exhaustion. i've had people tell me to go abck to work, but the general consenses its too early. even by my therapist's standards. i can't stand having to send j to work. he has bad days to where he just has to come home and cry.
i told my mother there had better be a DAMN good purpose for my life on this earth, otherwise i have no reason to like a diety that takes everything i love. everything i ever put my heart into get effed or dies. over and over, that celestial kick to the ribs while i'm down. why? wtf did i do that was so wrong? what could i have done that was horrible that he'd take my baby????? what did i do wrong. i can't understand it. and still the toxocology reports haven't come back. so no answers as to what was wrong. why he's no longer with me. i need answers and all they do is look at me with hollow eyes and tell me i'll get the info soon as its ready. they have my laptop as well, so i've had to turn down 3 possible jobs. we're scraping because what are we supposed to do????
why at a time like this, aren't people taken care of? for god sakes, make a fund to those who've lost children, and 'm sure most mothers of military kids would be members. that's why. they lose their sons for no reason all the time. i lost mine for no reason. i understand their rage. but at least they can be angry with politics or the president or congress.... all i have is myself to blame. i was here. i am his mother...was his mother.. it was my responsibility to take care of him. and he's gone.
the black hole that is my life has come full circle with the loss of my grandfather when i needed him, and now the loss of my son, who defined my world. death has taken everything i love. ill luck has falled everything i've ever tried at. since when was i gods whipping boy? i dont want to be this fucking strong!! i dont want to have to live though this. but he made sure others would keep me here. take away the only thing in this world that has EVER made me happy but not let me follow. sounds like a cruel man. not a benevolent god.
so stop warping my space, my time, my life. all the things that matter are nothing but star dust now. so who cares....
Friday, August 5, 2011
the time that has no matter.
Tonight... today really... its been a month since our sunshine went away.
at 2:30pm today i was on my knees in the yard crying almost hysterically into the ground as J tried to comfort me.
i had thought of a blog i wanted to type up, when j realized what today was. a month ago at 230 i was trying to do cpr on my baby boy. so that's what i'll blog about. the lil man that made all the difference.
Marcus
blonde. blue eyed. sharp as a tack. gentle with the kittens and other kids...its more like i was given a year with a cherub than a child. he made everything but labor easy. i often think he was taken away because i wasn't worthy of him. because his light. his light shone more brightly than any i'd ever seen. i was in so much darkness before he came to us. i never knew how much i could love, how much i could bond with another human being until i went from his kicks in my stomach to his arms around my neck.
mothers. i can't even begin to explain the pain. it chokes my throat, it steals my breath, it tears my heart and something even deeper that just KNOWS he is gone. i feel empty.
Cherish every moment. indulge in every whim. enjoy everything you can. it can be gone so fast. before you even know it.
the only thing that holds me is J and knowing that i would only be passing this pain on to my own loving mother. i can't do it. Our friends, from all states and corners have been the glue to make us stick. but. but.
now i know how much there is to lose. and i dont see myself ever giving that possiblity another chance. my perfectly healthy son went from thriving and teething to cold and blue in the flutter of a nap.
he went without a sound. no murmur to warn me. no cries for help. just silently into the night.
"You would have never known.
What I've done for you.
What you may put me through.
I'd do it for you.
I could have never lived.
If it wasn't for you."
at 2:30pm today i was on my knees in the yard crying almost hysterically into the ground as J tried to comfort me.
i had thought of a blog i wanted to type up, when j realized what today was. a month ago at 230 i was trying to do cpr on my baby boy. so that's what i'll blog about. the lil man that made all the difference.
Marcus
blonde. blue eyed. sharp as a tack. gentle with the kittens and other kids...its more like i was given a year with a cherub than a child. he made everything but labor easy. i often think he was taken away because i wasn't worthy of him. because his light. his light shone more brightly than any i'd ever seen. i was in so much darkness before he came to us. i never knew how much i could love, how much i could bond with another human being until i went from his kicks in my stomach to his arms around my neck.
mothers. i can't even begin to explain the pain. it chokes my throat, it steals my breath, it tears my heart and something even deeper that just KNOWS he is gone. i feel empty.
Cherish every moment. indulge in every whim. enjoy everything you can. it can be gone so fast. before you even know it.
the only thing that holds me is J and knowing that i would only be passing this pain on to my own loving mother. i can't do it. Our friends, from all states and corners have been the glue to make us stick. but. but.
now i know how much there is to lose. and i dont see myself ever giving that possiblity another chance. my perfectly healthy son went from thriving and teething to cold and blue in the flutter of a nap.
he went without a sound. no murmur to warn me. no cries for help. just silently into the night.
"You would have never known.
What I've done for you.
What you may put me through.
I'd do it for you.
I could have never lived.
If it wasn't for you."
Thursday, August 4, 2011
hear that lonesome whiperwhill....
i've never seen a night so long,
when time goes crawling by,
the moon just went behind a cloud
to hide her face and cry.
today was the first day i allowed myself to grieve. truly. with his blanket in my fists, screaming, crying, screaming, crying......tomorrow i see a therapist about all this and my usual hang ups. but i can't sleep. instead i hear this song in my head. combine that with fact that i have nightmares...add ambien, which doesn't work on me apparently. i took this crap at 10. its after 1 and i'm still right awake. effin hell. i have some of the weirdest tolerances to medicine....
i did laundry today. need clothes to pack for trip to tx soon. my days alone are finally over. we got the jeep fixed and i'm back on the road. have to get my license fixed up. small things like a baby on a billboard... i cry buckets. i see a commercial i cry buckets. i see someone with a lil blonde boy and i want to hold them.
i cry.
i cry
i cry
and have milkshakes for dinner.
i went into his room today. and his presence was no longer there. that room is not him. nothing is. nothing ever will be. i can't fix this hole
but at least i started something today. i will talk later about the reading i did.
the worst part is.... mother nature.. that c-word biotch....giving me this stupid instinct which now flounders me....i'm set off step by this life changing crappy catastrophe... i was gothy mommy. now i'm single bitch. nothing more. well unofficially engaged bitch. with no date in site. he was my everything. all i was.
a falling star
lights up a purple sky
and as i wonder where you are
i'm so lonesome i could cry
when time goes crawling by,
the moon just went behind a cloud
to hide her face and cry.
today was the first day i allowed myself to grieve. truly. with his blanket in my fists, screaming, crying, screaming, crying......tomorrow i see a therapist about all this and my usual hang ups. but i can't sleep. instead i hear this song in my head. combine that with fact that i have nightmares...add ambien, which doesn't work on me apparently. i took this crap at 10. its after 1 and i'm still right awake. effin hell. i have some of the weirdest tolerances to medicine....
i did laundry today. need clothes to pack for trip to tx soon. my days alone are finally over. we got the jeep fixed and i'm back on the road. have to get my license fixed up. small things like a baby on a billboard... i cry buckets. i see a commercial i cry buckets. i see someone with a lil blonde boy and i want to hold them.
i cry.
i cry
i cry
and have milkshakes for dinner.
i went into his room today. and his presence was no longer there. that room is not him. nothing is. nothing ever will be. i can't fix this hole
but at least i started something today. i will talk later about the reading i did.
the worst part is.... mother nature.. that c-word biotch....giving me this stupid instinct which now flounders me....i'm set off step by this life changing crappy catastrophe... i was gothy mommy. now i'm single bitch. nothing more. well unofficially engaged bitch. with no date in site. he was my everything. all i was.
a falling star
lights up a purple sky
and as i wonder where you are
i'm so lonesome i could cry
Saturday, July 16, 2011
disconnect myself....
the computer makes me feel connected, but i'm empty on this side of the screen... paint a pretty picture and smile. i'm fine :)
i put that as a status for my FB today. then i realized just how true that is. i had a good convo with an old old friend today as well. one thing i can say for marcus, he really pulls out all the stops when he makes a change. good thing it was an old friend too, since there are very few people that can listen to my current opinion of god/s at the moment without giving me some kind of god bs in return. and before any of your heads pop off, i dont mean any disrespect, but for fuck sake, the powers that be have taken everything good in my life over the last 2 years and turned it to shite. tell me how to have faith in a world that does nothing but descimate and destroy all that is good and beautiful and innocent.
if the world does end next year, i'm not too sure i wont have a party for it. in fact, i know i'll have a party. that way if i go, we all go together! ha. but then it would take a year for even knowing. that's one hell of a long distance suicide.
today i felt numb. cept for a few times. once in the shower, just smelling the body wash i used on marcus. i fell apart at the scent, wishing like hell i could sit in teh shower floor and wash his hair once more. there are so many effing kids out there that are treated like shite on a regular basis. but no, they survive. while my angel on ravens wings is taken away. i can never haveh im again. that alone cuts me in two, severing every nerve, every part of my heart, every part of my soul into tiny little pieces that wither away into dust. i can't see the good right now because not only have we lost our only son, but the lawyers and the stupid ex step dad in law fucker is trying to bend us over as well. no lube. no reach around. just 'here you are desperate, take this shit end deal that fucks you and your family out of precious assets, but We get paid!'
i gave the lawyer a simple request. if he's good, he'll make it into a case. i could ffs. i've read up on lexus nexus for months now on tn law. he seems to be slow to the draw and a money grubbing asshole. they all are. and i calculated our funds. wtih donations included, once the funeral is paid off and the eletric paid, we'll have 200.
this is life. worrying about money and making other people happy while wanting nothing more than to carve his name in my flesh and scream with rage. they'd commit me. i'd commit me if i thought i was actually foolish enough to hurt myself anymore. well, we are being honest here, so i can tell you. the only reason i haven't carved is because i promised my fiance i wouldn't. that's it. my word to him. we've not lied to one another ever, no reason to start hiding things now. i'm enjoying the use of seemingly double negatives that aren't. :)
that was a total tangent. the point is, i'm either going to have to talk this out, carve it out, scream it out, write it out, create it out, or D:all the above. i have a fear its all the above. but i can't create right now. nor scream without someone having a fit and worrying
so what to do. breath in, breath out, smoke, and curl my hair until i burn my forehead and find myself wondering if i should leave the iron there a moment longer. that's what this pain is. never ending, unfathomable, so deep and sorrowful, it makes you numb to everythign else. nothing seems to even come close to edge of this deep abyss of turmoil, chaos, hatred, anger, sadness, selfishness, grief and guilt. its a brew best never drunk at all, but if one must, take it all in one shot. because a two year bender has me all but ODing on my pills.
and still i have to worry about money. so i have to worry about going back to work. finding legit work instead? i'd rather not. however, my own work isn't conducive to my current relationship and will further create problems if not avoided. how to make it and explain why i need it? why i need the time to do something i dont have to think about, that has nothing to do with my precious baby that i found so very blue...just that thought. just that alone and i want to die. just finding him and holding his cold body. he smelled of death. Why? why did it have to be my sweet boy? i know there isn't an answer on the lips of any person in the world. i know that all i can do is keep going. but to what end? so that i can do it all again? what if the same thing happens? that's the only thing the powers that be can throw at me now that is harder than this. they can't TOUCH me after this. i'll kill my heart before i ever go thru this again. everyone kept saying i will change my mind, i'll want more. they can suck on my non exsistant ballsack. that boy and i connected, mind, body, soul. i felt his first heart beats, his first movements, felt the moment he was aware.. no matter what, i could set aside my bs for him. no matter what i could be his happy momma to play with. yet i'm frozen with fear and grief and that sadness that prevades and overwhelms...
my baby.
i miss you.
so very very much.
ijust want to hold you one last time
in the rocking chair
and tell you it will all be alright..
but it wont. and i couldn't keep you safe.
i'm so sorry my baby boy.
i love you so much.
my baby.
"i wanna disconnect myself.. pull my brainstem out and unplug myself.." -rollins band
maybe then i can paint on my happy face and tell everyone just how 'fine' i am.
i put that as a status for my FB today. then i realized just how true that is. i had a good convo with an old old friend today as well. one thing i can say for marcus, he really pulls out all the stops when he makes a change. good thing it was an old friend too, since there are very few people that can listen to my current opinion of god/s at the moment without giving me some kind of god bs in return. and before any of your heads pop off, i dont mean any disrespect, but for fuck sake, the powers that be have taken everything good in my life over the last 2 years and turned it to shite. tell me how to have faith in a world that does nothing but descimate and destroy all that is good and beautiful and innocent.
if the world does end next year, i'm not too sure i wont have a party for it. in fact, i know i'll have a party. that way if i go, we all go together! ha. but then it would take a year for even knowing. that's one hell of a long distance suicide.
today i felt numb. cept for a few times. once in the shower, just smelling the body wash i used on marcus. i fell apart at the scent, wishing like hell i could sit in teh shower floor and wash his hair once more. there are so many effing kids out there that are treated like shite on a regular basis. but no, they survive. while my angel on ravens wings is taken away. i can never haveh im again. that alone cuts me in two, severing every nerve, every part of my heart, every part of my soul into tiny little pieces that wither away into dust. i can't see the good right now because not only have we lost our only son, but the lawyers and the stupid ex step dad in law fucker is trying to bend us over as well. no lube. no reach around. just 'here you are desperate, take this shit end deal that fucks you and your family out of precious assets, but We get paid!'
i gave the lawyer a simple request. if he's good, he'll make it into a case. i could ffs. i've read up on lexus nexus for months now on tn law. he seems to be slow to the draw and a money grubbing asshole. they all are. and i calculated our funds. wtih donations included, once the funeral is paid off and the eletric paid, we'll have 200.
this is life. worrying about money and making other people happy while wanting nothing more than to carve his name in my flesh and scream with rage. they'd commit me. i'd commit me if i thought i was actually foolish enough to hurt myself anymore. well, we are being honest here, so i can tell you. the only reason i haven't carved is because i promised my fiance i wouldn't. that's it. my word to him. we've not lied to one another ever, no reason to start hiding things now. i'm enjoying the use of seemingly double negatives that aren't. :)
that was a total tangent. the point is, i'm either going to have to talk this out, carve it out, scream it out, write it out, create it out, or D:all the above. i have a fear its all the above. but i can't create right now. nor scream without someone having a fit and worrying
so what to do. breath in, breath out, smoke, and curl my hair until i burn my forehead and find myself wondering if i should leave the iron there a moment longer. that's what this pain is. never ending, unfathomable, so deep and sorrowful, it makes you numb to everythign else. nothing seems to even come close to edge of this deep abyss of turmoil, chaos, hatred, anger, sadness, selfishness, grief and guilt. its a brew best never drunk at all, but if one must, take it all in one shot. because a two year bender has me all but ODing on my pills.
and still i have to worry about money. so i have to worry about going back to work. finding legit work instead? i'd rather not. however, my own work isn't conducive to my current relationship and will further create problems if not avoided. how to make it and explain why i need it? why i need the time to do something i dont have to think about, that has nothing to do with my precious baby that i found so very blue...just that thought. just that alone and i want to die. just finding him and holding his cold body. he smelled of death. Why? why did it have to be my sweet boy? i know there isn't an answer on the lips of any person in the world. i know that all i can do is keep going. but to what end? so that i can do it all again? what if the same thing happens? that's the only thing the powers that be can throw at me now that is harder than this. they can't TOUCH me after this. i'll kill my heart before i ever go thru this again. everyone kept saying i will change my mind, i'll want more. they can suck on my non exsistant ballsack. that boy and i connected, mind, body, soul. i felt his first heart beats, his first movements, felt the moment he was aware.. no matter what, i could set aside my bs for him. no matter what i could be his happy momma to play with. yet i'm frozen with fear and grief and that sadness that prevades and overwhelms...
my baby.
i miss you.
so very very much.
ijust want to hold you one last time
in the rocking chair
and tell you it will all be alright..
but it wont. and i couldn't keep you safe.
i'm so sorry my baby boy.
i love you so much.
my baby.
"i wanna disconnect myself.. pull my brainstem out and unplug myself.." -rollins band
maybe then i can paint on my happy face and tell everyone just how 'fine' i am.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
the beautiful people
a lady never ever breaks under pressure, nor shows negative emotion at any time.
well i'm not a lady. i'm just a lump of flesh breathing the air around me. my seriously deeply sullen and morbid fixation is bothering my mate, but i assure him i'm fine... because in a way, i guess i am. i'm not jumping off a bridge or hurting myself in any way. i'm slightly self destructive in small ways, but nothing drastic. hell i'm not even cutting myself. that has to say in some tiny smidge of a way that i'm coping better than 5 years ago. but why? bcause right now i'm desolate, however, not pathetic. empty but unable to let the eff go. that's about the jist right? how can you explain hating everything around you, loving everyone around you and simultaniously wanting to die at the same time? its fucking ridiculous. but completely accurate.
i can't even go to effing walmart without crying, seeing some mother carrying her kiddo to the car. i just bust out. i cry my ass off because i know i'll never get to hold him like that again and just bury my face in his hair, inhaling his scent. that is the kind of thing that makes me hate this place. hate everything. i was fucking miserable before. i have been tolerably miserable my entire life. so now what? nothing is different. the one thing that changed it all is gone. with him he took all that i was.
someone told me to ask 'what now' well i do. and all i see is a life without his smile in the morning and his calling for me when he falls down. all i see is a life empty. if this fucked wound ever begins to heal, all i will be left with is a misery that can't be touched. i've already iced it for self preservation. otherwise i'd be pulling out my hair, cutting at myself and screaming from the top of my lungs 'GIVE HIM FUCKING BACK!'. but i'm not.
i dont know how to act. i dont know how to just be. but i'm pretty sure any way i act is probably damn acceptable. everyone grieves different? so what if my way is a bottle of moscato, pantera, and a blog. screw it. i dont have a way to grieve. i just seem to keep losing. i'm on the losing side and waiting to find out we're the good guys...we are the good guys... right?
well i'm not a lady. i'm just a lump of flesh breathing the air around me. my seriously deeply sullen and morbid fixation is bothering my mate, but i assure him i'm fine... because in a way, i guess i am. i'm not jumping off a bridge or hurting myself in any way. i'm slightly self destructive in small ways, but nothing drastic. hell i'm not even cutting myself. that has to say in some tiny smidge of a way that i'm coping better than 5 years ago. but why? bcause right now i'm desolate, however, not pathetic. empty but unable to let the eff go. that's about the jist right? how can you explain hating everything around you, loving everyone around you and simultaniously wanting to die at the same time? its fucking ridiculous. but completely accurate.
i can't even go to effing walmart without crying, seeing some mother carrying her kiddo to the car. i just bust out. i cry my ass off because i know i'll never get to hold him like that again and just bury my face in his hair, inhaling his scent. that is the kind of thing that makes me hate this place. hate everything. i was fucking miserable before. i have been tolerably miserable my entire life. so now what? nothing is different. the one thing that changed it all is gone. with him he took all that i was.
someone told me to ask 'what now' well i do. and all i see is a life without his smile in the morning and his calling for me when he falls down. all i see is a life empty. if this fucked wound ever begins to heal, all i will be left with is a misery that can't be touched. i've already iced it for self preservation. otherwise i'd be pulling out my hair, cutting at myself and screaming from the top of my lungs 'GIVE HIM FUCKING BACK!'. but i'm not.
i dont know how to act. i dont know how to just be. but i'm pretty sure any way i act is probably damn acceptable. everyone grieves different? so what if my way is a bottle of moscato, pantera, and a blog. screw it. i dont have a way to grieve. i just seem to keep losing. i'm on the losing side and waiting to find out we're the good guys...we are the good guys... right?
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
it can't rain all the time...but it can be blue....
But it sure as hell feels like it will. i feel like its only been a day or two. finding out it had been over aweek freaked me out. it was like some mad editor had gotten ahold of the film of my life. and now he was rakishly running through and around and over parts that were supposed to be meaningful, to be forever.
it was supposed to be forever. that's the real kick in the face. you plan EVERYTHING around the small life that is granted you. the life that you nourished and protected and sustained for 9 effing months. that life that is so quickly gone. without even so much as an utterance. no sound at all. all is quiet now. everything is quiet. even the future. finding direction is like throwing a dart at a board of 'shit to do'. it has nothing to do with me anymore. without him. we had this five year plan to move so we could put him in private school. i'd have my graphic design business going well from home, jason moved up in work and we'd be happy.
in the two seconds it took me to turn him over and see his blue little face, my entire life was shattered. i can't explain the inner pain, but just the little things hurt the most...
he had hid my diary from me. i found it later with a toy next to it, as his little signature to say 'hahah mommy, i did it'. i cried until my sides hurt. until i was nothing but a wet shirt front and a ball of misery.
i took a shower. when i was pregnant, i had to sing to him to keep him from throwing us off balance. so i made up a song. to the classic tune i'll be so blue without you....' i'd be so bluuuuuuuuee, marcus... without you... I'd be so bluuuuuuuee, marcus...without you.... when i hold you in my arms, you will never come to harm.... i'll be so blue, blue marcus... with out you...' i sat in the shower and cried as i sang it over and over. my embrace didn't save him. i never thought i'd have to face the day he died before me. and blue can't describe the amount of darkness, emptiness, anger, misery, and sadness that i truly feel. but it will have to do..
because marcus....i am so very very blue without you.....i miss you baby....
it was supposed to be forever. that's the real kick in the face. you plan EVERYTHING around the small life that is granted you. the life that you nourished and protected and sustained for 9 effing months. that life that is so quickly gone. without even so much as an utterance. no sound at all. all is quiet now. everything is quiet. even the future. finding direction is like throwing a dart at a board of 'shit to do'. it has nothing to do with me anymore. without him. we had this five year plan to move so we could put him in private school. i'd have my graphic design business going well from home, jason moved up in work and we'd be happy.
in the two seconds it took me to turn him over and see his blue little face, my entire life was shattered. i can't explain the inner pain, but just the little things hurt the most...
he had hid my diary from me. i found it later with a toy next to it, as his little signature to say 'hahah mommy, i did it'. i cried until my sides hurt. until i was nothing but a wet shirt front and a ball of misery.
i took a shower. when i was pregnant, i had to sing to him to keep him from throwing us off balance. so i made up a song. to the classic tune i'll be so blue without you....' i'd be so bluuuuuuuuee, marcus... without you... I'd be so bluuuuuuuee, marcus...without you.... when i hold you in my arms, you will never come to harm.... i'll be so blue, blue marcus... with out you...' i sat in the shower and cried as i sang it over and over. my embrace didn't save him. i never thought i'd have to face the day he died before me. and blue can't describe the amount of darkness, emptiness, anger, misery, and sadness that i truly feel. but it will have to do..
because marcus....i am so very very blue without you.....i miss you baby....
Monday, July 11, 2011
the service
it was lovely. at least three estranged family members came and made peace. J and i both spoke without falling completely apart. a lot of crying. a lot of sobbing. a lot of darkness... no more light...it went well.
as well as the funeral for your infant son Can go. my angel is gone. he now rests in a tiny plastic box until his final urn is made and ready. a lock of hair and some ashes. that's what i have left of my baby. he was utterly perfect and just overwhelming awesome. not in the surfer lingo 'awesome', but as in to create 'Awe' in someone from the incredibility.
Fair of hair and eye, my sweet sweet babe. over a year and half, he easily became my son, my moon, my stars. my very morning ritual started with filling his bottle and starting his oatmeal (with cream and fruit) along with the coffee... now? i dont have a reason to get out of bed. there is nothing left inside me. i'm empty and devoid of care for anything or anyone else. i am appreciative, grateful and humbled. but otherwise can only feel the gaping hole that was my heart.
its like someone took from the top of my breasts and hollowed out my torso. a gaping maw of a wound, scraped clean with dirty knives, my everything died in that moment. the pain is physical... from a dull ache to a sharp unrelenting pain that doubles me over.
i live that moment over and over. turning him over in the crib to find him blue and cold....... i can't do it yet. i can't think about it withotu losing it.
WHY??? WTF did i DO? WHY MY BABY????? I loved him with all that i was. he made me into a new person. he made me want to be a better person. now all i want is pain, some kind of physical pain to match the pain in my chest. i want my baby boy back. i want this stupid fucking world to stop taking the ones i love. i want to understand how this can be ok!?!?! A sweet innocent child, WHY THE FUCK DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM??????? you answer me that, God or gods, or what ever the hell is out there. you have destroyed everything i've loved over the course of many years, but now... now i have even less to lose than before.
the only thing that keeps me tethered here is : a) i wouldn't give this pain to my own mother. i wouldn't give it to my worst enemy (cept one person i can think of). b) the support and overwhelming response from my friends and family. i really didn't know or think that many people loves us. as much as i hate the world, i can't leave J to face it alone. and i wont ask him to leave it with me. so i guess we're stuck here until we find some small bit of joy again..... just to have it snatched away....
donation button below. thank you for reading my words.
as well as the funeral for your infant son Can go. my angel is gone. he now rests in a tiny plastic box until his final urn is made and ready. a lock of hair and some ashes. that's what i have left of my baby. he was utterly perfect and just overwhelming awesome. not in the surfer lingo 'awesome', but as in to create 'Awe' in someone from the incredibility.
Fair of hair and eye, my sweet sweet babe. over a year and half, he easily became my son, my moon, my stars. my very morning ritual started with filling his bottle and starting his oatmeal (with cream and fruit) along with the coffee... now? i dont have a reason to get out of bed. there is nothing left inside me. i'm empty and devoid of care for anything or anyone else. i am appreciative, grateful and humbled. but otherwise can only feel the gaping hole that was my heart.
its like someone took from the top of my breasts and hollowed out my torso. a gaping maw of a wound, scraped clean with dirty knives, my everything died in that moment. the pain is physical... from a dull ache to a sharp unrelenting pain that doubles me over.
i live that moment over and over. turning him over in the crib to find him blue and cold....... i can't do it yet. i can't think about it withotu losing it.
WHY??? WTF did i DO? WHY MY BABY????? I loved him with all that i was. he made me into a new person. he made me want to be a better person. now all i want is pain, some kind of physical pain to match the pain in my chest. i want my baby boy back. i want this stupid fucking world to stop taking the ones i love. i want to understand how this can be ok!?!?! A sweet innocent child, WHY THE FUCK DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM??????? you answer me that, God or gods, or what ever the hell is out there. you have destroyed everything i've loved over the course of many years, but now... now i have even less to lose than before.
the only thing that keeps me tethered here is : a) i wouldn't give this pain to my own mother. i wouldn't give it to my worst enemy (cept one person i can think of). b) the support and overwhelming response from my friends and family. i really didn't know or think that many people loves us. as much as i hate the world, i can't leave J to face it alone. and i wont ask him to leave it with me. so i guess we're stuck here until we find some small bit of joy again..... just to have it snatched away....
donation button below. thank you for reading my words.
Friday, July 8, 2011
As you know, we lost our sunshine
We lost our sunshine and now are laying him to rest with a service to honor him. Service will be held Sunday July 10th, 2011 at Wilkinson and Wiseman Funeral Home in Portland TN. at 2pm. all are welcome. all are loved. thank you for your thoughts and prayers. below i will place a button where donations can be made to aide in funeral costs....
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
maybe not so morbid?
so maybe this time i can write without being so morbid?
lets see- our septic tank backed up and we went without water for basically 4 days. because of that, we don't have the money for our bills. we've had family in town lately. which has been interesting. i love my mother, but sometimes its hard to have her around for a long time. my aunt, on the other hand, is really fun. she is the mother of my soul :)
outside of that, Marcus. Oh Marcus, my boy. he's crawled a few steps! he gets up on hands and knees and kinda launches himself forward. its adorable. he's having a hard time right now. he's teething something fierce. he's not eating a whole bottle alot of the time. also, he's chewing on anything in sight (including his entire hand at once) and drooling like there's no tomorrow! he runs a fever slightly from time to time. nothing severe tho. his 6 month dr appointment is tomorrow. i can't wait to see how much he's grown. he's in 9 months clothes these days. and his eyes are still very very blue. my mother is thrilled with that.
so how is motherhood, you ask? its wonderful on a whole. there are lil things that tend to wear on me. but that is just sleep deprivation combined with getting used to having someone you instinctively put before yourself at all times. when he's crying and there's nothing i can do to soothe him, i find myself annoyed. then i remember he's the one in pain and i just want to cuddle him more. the only thing that truly vexes me is trying to find the balance between taking care of him and taking care of everything else. i have to clean, cook, pick up, care for the dog and the cat, care for our garden.... and somewhere in there, make time for me? ha. not to mention, i'm trying to find work online so i can work from home. may even try to do some medical transcription courses online so i can do so.
really the only reason i'm constantly angry is mostly at our circumstances. there's things going on in the family still that are making matters worse. its hard to find a way to get everything back into some semblance of harmony. so here i wait. i dont have the authority to complete these tasks as i'd like. so i wait. i nudge. i hint. i try to help. but i find myself angry.
my best friend told me that my problem was i only saw the possibilities of life as it is, or life as i picture it. nothing in between, thus ruling out other possibilities completely. she's right. its time to get some new perspective on what i can make of this life. so that's it for the moment. i'm not so morbid anymore. just angry. at a world i cannot seem to change.
lets see- our septic tank backed up and we went without water for basically 4 days. because of that, we don't have the money for our bills. we've had family in town lately. which has been interesting. i love my mother, but sometimes its hard to have her around for a long time. my aunt, on the other hand, is really fun. she is the mother of my soul :)
outside of that, Marcus. Oh Marcus, my boy. he's crawled a few steps! he gets up on hands and knees and kinda launches himself forward. its adorable. he's having a hard time right now. he's teething something fierce. he's not eating a whole bottle alot of the time. also, he's chewing on anything in sight (including his entire hand at once) and drooling like there's no tomorrow! he runs a fever slightly from time to time. nothing severe tho. his 6 month dr appointment is tomorrow. i can't wait to see how much he's grown. he's in 9 months clothes these days. and his eyes are still very very blue. my mother is thrilled with that.
so how is motherhood, you ask? its wonderful on a whole. there are lil things that tend to wear on me. but that is just sleep deprivation combined with getting used to having someone you instinctively put before yourself at all times. when he's crying and there's nothing i can do to soothe him, i find myself annoyed. then i remember he's the one in pain and i just want to cuddle him more. the only thing that truly vexes me is trying to find the balance between taking care of him and taking care of everything else. i have to clean, cook, pick up, care for the dog and the cat, care for our garden.... and somewhere in there, make time for me? ha. not to mention, i'm trying to find work online so i can work from home. may even try to do some medical transcription courses online so i can do so.
really the only reason i'm constantly angry is mostly at our circumstances. there's things going on in the family still that are making matters worse. its hard to find a way to get everything back into some semblance of harmony. so here i wait. i dont have the authority to complete these tasks as i'd like. so i wait. i nudge. i hint. i try to help. but i find myself angry.
my best friend told me that my problem was i only saw the possibilities of life as it is, or life as i picture it. nothing in between, thus ruling out other possibilities completely. she's right. its time to get some new perspective on what i can make of this life. so that's it for the moment. i'm not so morbid anymore. just angry. at a world i cannot seem to change.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
a much needed update
life is just so busy right now.
i seem to be repeating that phrase over and over to everyone that asks me what's wrong.
i'm overcome right now. the only thing keeping me going is my son and my ability to disassociate. lets start from the beginning shall we?
a month ago, my mother in law passed away. now here's where most people would insert all the snipey mother in law jokes. not this girl. my mother in law lived next door (well across the field from us). we saw her every week. she was nana to our son. mother to my love. and a mother to me. i never thought i could get so close to someone's mom in just 3 years. but it was my honor and privilege to know her. she was the most laid back, practical, funny, sweet, loving and real woman i've met outside my own family. i loved her the moment i met her and vice versa. she told me she didn't mind that i'd had a son (she wanted a girl sooo bad). that she had gained a daughter in me. her death was devistating. my man was there. i was watching from our porch as she died. its taken a real toll on all of us.
dealing with this took over our lives for over 2 weeks. its still day to day sometimes. but i had to be strong so my man could grieve. taking care of our son, taking care of the house, taking care of the brand new puppy that came from his mother. dont forget the cat. and our bills. and the shopping. and the cooking. its gotten better now. tho i've just stopped cooking for a while, and had to take almost a week to catch up on the laundry alone.
then another tragedy. someone i love miscarried in her 19th week. i was there for all of it. i felt so guilty that i had this perfect child, that there were women out there right now aborting kids they didn't want, but my T. couldn't have a kid she wanted with everything in her. its not right. didn't seem fair. still doesn't. there are so many kids out there unwanted and unloved. why take away one that would be cherished and brought up with love? how can people have faith that this is a plan of some whimsical god??? why would he take the good people away? leave all the assholes behind to screw over the weak? why must the children suffer most?
i once said that i had nightmares about bringing a child into a world that i've hated for so long. every day, something horrible happens to prove my fears are grounded in reality. the world is an ugly and hateful place. the beauty and the good things are so few and far between most of the time. its true. we appreciate them so much more because of the shit we go thru all the time. but i could appreciate a lil more happiness and a lot less shit just as well.
otherwise. the baby is teething. just as we had him on a schedule and happy, the tooth fairy comes and f$%ks everything up! he's been in so much pain, so the infant tylenol and orajel are his best friend right now. frozen wash clothes, frozen teethers....restless nights and baby cries. its horrible cuz i can't do anything but try to help. and he's usually such a happy baby, its hard to see him in pain.
i think i need to start writing weekly. it helps to put everything down instead of letting it run circles in my head. i'm not even going to go into the rest of the things i worry about constantly. maybe in another rant.
so when i say things have busy, i basically mean that everything has fallen down around me and i'm just barely keeping my head above water. busy busy busy....
i seem to be repeating that phrase over and over to everyone that asks me what's wrong.
i'm overcome right now. the only thing keeping me going is my son and my ability to disassociate. lets start from the beginning shall we?
a month ago, my mother in law passed away. now here's where most people would insert all the snipey mother in law jokes. not this girl. my mother in law lived next door (well across the field from us). we saw her every week. she was nana to our son. mother to my love. and a mother to me. i never thought i could get so close to someone's mom in just 3 years. but it was my honor and privilege to know her. she was the most laid back, practical, funny, sweet, loving and real woman i've met outside my own family. i loved her the moment i met her and vice versa. she told me she didn't mind that i'd had a son (she wanted a girl sooo bad). that she had gained a daughter in me. her death was devistating. my man was there. i was watching from our porch as she died. its taken a real toll on all of us.
dealing with this took over our lives for over 2 weeks. its still day to day sometimes. but i had to be strong so my man could grieve. taking care of our son, taking care of the house, taking care of the brand new puppy that came from his mother. dont forget the cat. and our bills. and the shopping. and the cooking. its gotten better now. tho i've just stopped cooking for a while, and had to take almost a week to catch up on the laundry alone.
then another tragedy. someone i love miscarried in her 19th week. i was there for all of it. i felt so guilty that i had this perfect child, that there were women out there right now aborting kids they didn't want, but my T. couldn't have a kid she wanted with everything in her. its not right. didn't seem fair. still doesn't. there are so many kids out there unwanted and unloved. why take away one that would be cherished and brought up with love? how can people have faith that this is a plan of some whimsical god??? why would he take the good people away? leave all the assholes behind to screw over the weak? why must the children suffer most?
i once said that i had nightmares about bringing a child into a world that i've hated for so long. every day, something horrible happens to prove my fears are grounded in reality. the world is an ugly and hateful place. the beauty and the good things are so few and far between most of the time. its true. we appreciate them so much more because of the shit we go thru all the time. but i could appreciate a lil more happiness and a lot less shit just as well.
otherwise. the baby is teething. just as we had him on a schedule and happy, the tooth fairy comes and f$%ks everything up! he's been in so much pain, so the infant tylenol and orajel are his best friend right now. frozen wash clothes, frozen teethers....restless nights and baby cries. its horrible cuz i can't do anything but try to help. and he's usually such a happy baby, its hard to see him in pain.
i think i need to start writing weekly. it helps to put everything down instead of letting it run circles in my head. i'm not even going to go into the rest of the things i worry about constantly. maybe in another rant.
so when i say things have busy, i basically mean that everything has fallen down around me and i'm just barely keeping my head above water. busy busy busy....
Thursday, May 20, 2010
wonder where i've been?
silly people, don't you know that children steal your life and replace it with their wants and needs? HA
actually, i jest. completely jest. in the beginning, we got no sleep. however at 4 and 1/2 months, he's sleeping almost thru the night with one waking for a bottle. we're extremely lucky from what i understand. Marcus is incredible. he smiles, he laughs, he's ticklish. he has rolled from his tummy to back by himself, said Mama and pushed himself up on his hands. he's making milestones way before time, but i'm so proud i could bust.
with that pride also comes a sense of loss tho. he's an infant, already learning to become independent. slowly shedding his need of momma to do everything for him. with each bite from his lil baby spoon, he's moving into being a toddler. the 4 months vanished before my eyes. he went from everything being too big for him to wear, to wearing a 6-9 month size and already outgrowing all the clothes he had!
still. he's thriving. growing, happy, sweet natured. if nothing else, that has to prove i'm doing right by him. though you wouldn't know it to talk to me. sometimes i just think i'm a horrible candidate for a mother. even tho i love him with everything in me. who am i to tell a kid what to do after everything fucked up i did?! one hopes that i will find a way to help him learn from my mistakes, instead of having to put himself in the dangerous situations i did to learn them. that's a hope.
but he has been well taken care of. not a lick of diaper rash. just now has one spot of cradle cap. not even lint between his wee toes. he takes a shower with me every other day and we have tummy time every morning, fun time in the afternoon with nana next door. i'll finish this off with a few pics. who knew i'd have such a beautiful kid. so that's where i've been... with my son. :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
the man said Taa Daa!!
Great news! I popped!!
as of 1/9/10, at 8:35 am, Marcus Alexander has been born! at a whopping 7lbs and 11 oz, 20.5 inches long, he is the best thing to ever happen to me in my entire life.
so the story starts.... i had pre labor cramps thursday all day. called my mom. she and my aunt and grandma made it into town by 9pm that night. later that night, around midnight, my cramps eased off and i thought 'damn. not gonna happen tonight. i was soooo wrong! (did i mention it was snowing, just like in my dream?!?!?)
at 4 am i woke up in pain. i timed the first 3 contractions. they were already 6 minutes apart and hurt enough to take my breath away. i woke up the fiance, he jumped out of bed, got everyone else up and we all headed to the hospital. when we got there, the contractions were 3 minutes apart. they took me up to maternity. i was checked and found out i was only dilated to a 2. ick! so they had me get set up with a blood pressure cuff and gown and wait to see if i would dilate. this was about 530 am. at 930 am, they decided that since i wasn't dilating they would give me morphine and try to get me to rest and dilate. that wore off about 4 hours later, so the contractions started again. at 4pm, the dr came back and found i still was only at a 3 in dilation... they decided to give me give me a pain killer drip and some to sleep in an IV. by this time i was panicking from the pain, lack of sleep, lack of food and the thoughts that this would never end. i was in and out, but could still feel the contractions. it wasn't until 9pm that night when the dr came back and found i STILL hadn't dilated, that he decided to give me an epidural anyways. the intensity of my contractions were so bad, he did it even with out me dilating and even though we didn't know when i would. he decided that after the epidural, he would start me on pitocin to try and force my body into getting ready. i was numbed at 9pm.
i laid in the bed, going in and out from sheer lack of sleep and loss of will. the baby's heart rate started to drop after each of my contractions, and this worried the dr's. so they decided to go ahead and break my water, and insert internal monitors for his heartbeat and my contractions. this was at about 730 am. saturday morning.
while inserting the monitors, she noticed that during contraction, i had dilated to a 5! this was great news! everyone was soooooo happy. including me. i was so ready for this to be over. so was my fiance that had been by my side the entire time. they laid me back, and started to watch and found that in the next 30 min, my contractions went nuts! i was starting to feel them even thru the epidural.
the nurse said she would check me at 820, but ended up going ahead and checking me at 8. I was dilated to a 9! 10 minutes later, i was at a 10. the nurse called my dr to get there quick. she had me push with a contraction to see how well i could push. in one push, i was a +2, the baby's head visible. she had me breath thru the contractions, not pushing for the next 10 minutes till the dr got there.
he ran thru the door just as she put my legs in the stirrups and said i needed to go ahead and start bearing down. i pushed with the first contraction. the baby crowned.
i pushed with the second contraction, the baby's head was out! he told me not to wait for another contraction, just bear down.
i pushed, he said to look look! i looked down and saw my son's head and shoulders!! the dr should have said Taa Daa!
one more push! and Marcus was born! i watched as the dr clamped the cord and cut it. they laid him on my stomach, he kicked and screamed just once, then looked at me, i rubbed his chest, crying. my fiance said the baby's name. marcus looked at him right away. my fiance cried then as well.
our son was born and was perfectly healthy.
all my fears, worries, nightmares... all of them finally laid to rest. i hadn't messed this up, he was perfect and healthy and beautiful. at that moment, i realized Marcus is the best and most wonderful thing i had ever done in my entire life. he is the one thing i am Most proud of. i never thought i could be a mom. now i cant imagine my life with out my son.
its slightly lonely at night, with out the little pat pat in my tummy of his feet. it was hard to not have nightmares about him being lost or something happening to him while in the hospital. he's no longer perfectly safe in my tummy. he's in the world. but holding him makes my heart fly and my emotions stumble. looking into his eyes and watching him recognize my voice makes my world seem like i have purpose. he is the reason i can live on being a proud mother, proud woman and proud partner.
i was in contractions from 7am thursday morning till 7am saturday morning and active labor till 835 when he was born. 48 hours of pain, but it was worth every moment to have him sweetly by my side now. i love my son and hope i can show him just how much over the years to come.
as of 1/9/10, at 8:35 am, Marcus Alexander has been born! at a whopping 7lbs and 11 oz, 20.5 inches long, he is the best thing to ever happen to me in my entire life.
so the story starts.... i had pre labor cramps thursday all day. called my mom. she and my aunt and grandma made it into town by 9pm that night. later that night, around midnight, my cramps eased off and i thought 'damn. not gonna happen tonight. i was soooo wrong! (did i mention it was snowing, just like in my dream?!?!?)
at 4 am i woke up in pain. i timed the first 3 contractions. they were already 6 minutes apart and hurt enough to take my breath away. i woke up the fiance, he jumped out of bed, got everyone else up and we all headed to the hospital. when we got there, the contractions were 3 minutes apart. they took me up to maternity. i was checked and found out i was only dilated to a 2. ick! so they had me get set up with a blood pressure cuff and gown and wait to see if i would dilate. this was about 530 am. at 930 am, they decided that since i wasn't dilating they would give me morphine and try to get me to rest and dilate. that wore off about 4 hours later, so the contractions started again. at 4pm, the dr came back and found i still was only at a 3 in dilation... they decided to give me give me a pain killer drip and some to sleep in an IV. by this time i was panicking from the pain, lack of sleep, lack of food and the thoughts that this would never end. i was in and out, but could still feel the contractions. it wasn't until 9pm that night when the dr came back and found i STILL hadn't dilated, that he decided to give me an epidural anyways. the intensity of my contractions were so bad, he did it even with out me dilating and even though we didn't know when i would. he decided that after the epidural, he would start me on pitocin to try and force my body into getting ready. i was numbed at 9pm.
i laid in the bed, going in and out from sheer lack of sleep and loss of will. the baby's heart rate started to drop after each of my contractions, and this worried the dr's. so they decided to go ahead and break my water, and insert internal monitors for his heartbeat and my contractions. this was at about 730 am. saturday morning.
while inserting the monitors, she noticed that during contraction, i had dilated to a 5! this was great news! everyone was soooooo happy. including me. i was so ready for this to be over. so was my fiance that had been by my side the entire time. they laid me back, and started to watch and found that in the next 30 min, my contractions went nuts! i was starting to feel them even thru the epidural.
the nurse said she would check me at 820, but ended up going ahead and checking me at 8. I was dilated to a 9! 10 minutes later, i was at a 10. the nurse called my dr to get there quick. she had me push with a contraction to see how well i could push. in one push, i was a +2, the baby's head visible. she had me breath thru the contractions, not pushing for the next 10 minutes till the dr got there.
he ran thru the door just as she put my legs in the stirrups and said i needed to go ahead and start bearing down. i pushed with the first contraction. the baby crowned.
i pushed with the second contraction, the baby's head was out! he told me not to wait for another contraction, just bear down.
i pushed, he said to look look! i looked down and saw my son's head and shoulders!! the dr should have said Taa Daa!
one more push! and Marcus was born! i watched as the dr clamped the cord and cut it. they laid him on my stomach, he kicked and screamed just once, then looked at me, i rubbed his chest, crying. my fiance said the baby's name. marcus looked at him right away. my fiance cried then as well.
our son was born and was perfectly healthy.
all my fears, worries, nightmares... all of them finally laid to rest. i hadn't messed this up, he was perfect and healthy and beautiful. at that moment, i realized Marcus is the best and most wonderful thing i had ever done in my entire life. he is the one thing i am Most proud of. i never thought i could be a mom. now i cant imagine my life with out my son.
its slightly lonely at night, with out the little pat pat in my tummy of his feet. it was hard to not have nightmares about him being lost or something happening to him while in the hospital. he's no longer perfectly safe in my tummy. he's in the world. but holding him makes my heart fly and my emotions stumble. looking into his eyes and watching him recognize my voice makes my world seem like i have purpose. he is the reason i can live on being a proud mother, proud woman and proud partner.
i was in contractions from 7am thursday morning till 7am saturday morning and active labor till 835 when he was born. 48 hours of pain, but it was worth every moment to have him sweetly by my side now. i love my son and hope i can show him just how much over the years to come.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Update!!! the final stretch...
well, i'm in the final stretch!
went to the dr today. First, my blood pressure was high. so they had me lay on my left side for a lil while before taking it again. it was normal the second time. So i have been advised i need to rest often and lay on my left side during the day to keep it normal, also to inform them of any bad headaches and/or seeing stars. Next the dr did the lil poke check on my cervix!
the news? I am almost completely effaced (down to 1/2 inch bout) and dilated 1 cm! the dr said he even touched the baby's head! i've actually seen a lil bit of what they call 'the bloody show' tonight, but have been informed that can be caused by sex or the pelvic exam, like i had today. we're looking at my going into labor around this weekend or next week. Next wed is my official due date, so all is well!...
cept for one thing. SNOW!! its supposed to snow its ass off this thursday and then again on saturday. even if i make it thru the weekend, its supposed to snow AGAIN on my due date! crazy huh? even stranger? the one labor dream i had, we were in the car on the way to the hospital, mom in the back seat telling me to breath, while we drove thru the .... wait for it... SNOW!
is that a premonition? no idea! but i'm curious... my mom is supposed to get here on sunday and i'd like to have her here when i go into labor. i'm not as scared of labor, thanx to the multitude of sites and online childbirth classes i've been reading thru. However! having her here would definitely help in determining when i should head to the hospital, if i'm in true labor vs braxton hicks or false labor and reminding me to slow down and focus on my breathing during.
all in all, i'm excited. there was a bounce to my step when i walked out of the dr's office. just knowing that the dr was able to poke my baby's head, that he's in the right position, has dropped and is ready to go..... i can now finally visualize him in my arms. i realize just how close we are to having out little one in the house, cuddled next to us. even my fiance is excited as hell. he joked he'd like to find a big ass spider to shove in my face and scare me into labor!
we're down to the last moments of waiting. each day is feeling longer, each small cramp a possible sign. i realize after the baby is here, we'll be getting no sleep, but the thought of holding our son in our arms overcomes any worries about inconveniences... its the final stretch and i'm ready to make the last leap!
went to the dr today. First, my blood pressure was high. so they had me lay on my left side for a lil while before taking it again. it was normal the second time. So i have been advised i need to rest often and lay on my left side during the day to keep it normal, also to inform them of any bad headaches and/or seeing stars. Next the dr did the lil poke check on my cervix!
the news? I am almost completely effaced (down to 1/2 inch bout) and dilated 1 cm! the dr said he even touched the baby's head! i've actually seen a lil bit of what they call 'the bloody show' tonight, but have been informed that can be caused by sex or the pelvic exam, like i had today. we're looking at my going into labor around this weekend or next week. Next wed is my official due date, so all is well!...
cept for one thing. SNOW!! its supposed to snow its ass off this thursday and then again on saturday. even if i make it thru the weekend, its supposed to snow AGAIN on my due date! crazy huh? even stranger? the one labor dream i had, we were in the car on the way to the hospital, mom in the back seat telling me to breath, while we drove thru the .... wait for it... SNOW!
is that a premonition? no idea! but i'm curious... my mom is supposed to get here on sunday and i'd like to have her here when i go into labor. i'm not as scared of labor, thanx to the multitude of sites and online childbirth classes i've been reading thru. However! having her here would definitely help in determining when i should head to the hospital, if i'm in true labor vs braxton hicks or false labor and reminding me to slow down and focus on my breathing during.
all in all, i'm excited. there was a bounce to my step when i walked out of the dr's office. just knowing that the dr was able to poke my baby's head, that he's in the right position, has dropped and is ready to go..... i can now finally visualize him in my arms. i realize just how close we are to having out little one in the house, cuddled next to us. even my fiance is excited as hell. he joked he'd like to find a big ass spider to shove in my face and scare me into labor!
we're down to the last moments of waiting. each day is feeling longer, each small cramp a possible sign. i realize after the baby is here, we'll be getting no sleep, but the thought of holding our son in our arms overcomes any worries about inconveniences... its the final stretch and i'm ready to make the last leap!
Monday, January 4, 2010
motherhood and what it entails towards the end of pregnancy
I have 9 days left till my due date.
most of you know, i'm pregnant as hell! so i just wanted to share a few things the normal pregnant woman might not :)
i'm tired as hell, but some how get the 2 am urge to clean the oven.
i crave sunkist, raspberry sorbet and cheesecake.
we decorated the nursery in dr seuss so there would be no pastels in our life :) but now i have rhymes in my head 24/7.
i haven't seen my nani in over a month and half with out the use of contortion and a hand mirror. shaving blind is out of the question.
i cry any time there is one of those commercials on tv with the hurt kitties and puppies, or any show/commercial with sad old men.
my legs spaz for no reason at night time and my hips feel like someone has pulled my legs in opposing directions like an abused barbie doll.
heartburn is never ending, but antacids give me gas. its a toss up as to which one is more uncomfortable.
i'm horny as hell, but sex brings on a session of 'Braxton Hicks' contractions - which can feel like early labor this far in.
trying to get out of bed requires more grace than i have and help from my fiance half the time. when the cat is sleeping on my side of the bed, its an even more strange dance of 'humpty dumpty rolling around the kitty'.
i have nightmares/dreams that should be turned into Spielberg movies. Magic rings to find the kid, mountain getaways that include monster run flea markets, zombie apocalypse running with my mom and aunt jacking cars, and bio warfare while we hideaway in a basement in Greece that is stocked full of wine and cheese....
and lastly-
i'm ready for the baby to be here. i want to see him, hold him and cuddle him, but the fear of labor has my knees clamped together tighter than maximum security prisons.
aaaaaaaahh motherhood :)
most of you know, i'm pregnant as hell! so i just wanted to share a few things the normal pregnant woman might not :)
i'm tired as hell, but some how get the 2 am urge to clean the oven.
i crave sunkist, raspberry sorbet and cheesecake.
we decorated the nursery in dr seuss so there would be no pastels in our life :) but now i have rhymes in my head 24/7.
i haven't seen my nani in over a month and half with out the use of contortion and a hand mirror. shaving blind is out of the question.
i cry any time there is one of those commercials on tv with the hurt kitties and puppies, or any show/commercial with sad old men.
my legs spaz for no reason at night time and my hips feel like someone has pulled my legs in opposing directions like an abused barbie doll.
heartburn is never ending, but antacids give me gas. its a toss up as to which one is more uncomfortable.
i'm horny as hell, but sex brings on a session of 'Braxton Hicks' contractions - which can feel like early labor this far in.
trying to get out of bed requires more grace than i have and help from my fiance half the time. when the cat is sleeping on my side of the bed, its an even more strange dance of 'humpty dumpty rolling around the kitty'.
i have nightmares/dreams that should be turned into Spielberg movies. Magic rings to find the kid, mountain getaways that include monster run flea markets, zombie apocalypse running with my mom and aunt jacking cars, and bio warfare while we hideaway in a basement in Greece that is stocked full of wine and cheese....
and lastly-
i'm ready for the baby to be here. i want to see him, hold him and cuddle him, but the fear of labor has my knees clamped together tighter than maximum security prisons.
aaaaaaaahh motherhood :)
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
getting down to the line...
well, the due date is only 5 weeks off.
previously, i had been scared witless of labor. freaking out about every little aspect of it, in fact. i mean- pushing something as big as a baby out of the one orifice in my body i treat like a temple, worried that it might ruin me, as well as kill me. not to mention, the actual pain. i've always been into pain, but not this kind.
so what did i do? i read about it. i've read every little thing there is about the process, the steps and procedures, the final outcome, etc. i've created a birth plan now. my honey is aware he is to bring the music, that i want something i can sing to so i can focus on that. i've picked out a picture of my grandmother and grandfather standing with me at age 4 to take as a focus picture as well. when i thought about what i wanted, i knew i had to have something of my grandfather's there with me. he raised me every summer, taught me to read, write and love life. i want him to watch over me as we bring our son into the world. tho, is truly saddens me that he won't meet our little man. i'd always hoped he would be around to teach my son the meaning of gambling and having fun. still- there in spirit...
so 5 weeks. it seems almost no time at all, but the longest 5 weeks ever as well. i'm excited. i'm scared. i'm nervous. i keep praying our lil boy will be healthy and happy. that he will know how much we love him. but mostly just healthy. lol. lots to worry about since i was on meds and such when he was conceived. nothing to be done about it now, but hope and pray. (tho i dont put much stock in praying these days)
so ya- worries upon worries. extreme amounts of nervousness. doesn't help that all my dreams are like apocalyptic! i can only put my faith in the good nutrition i've kept since finding out, the regular dr visits that say we're healthy and the support of our families that have been unwavering. that and the 300 articles i've read on the subject matter! getting down to the line and staring hard at the finish....
previously, i had been scared witless of labor. freaking out about every little aspect of it, in fact. i mean- pushing something as big as a baby out of the one orifice in my body i treat like a temple, worried that it might ruin me, as well as kill me. not to mention, the actual pain. i've always been into pain, but not this kind.
so what did i do? i read about it. i've read every little thing there is about the process, the steps and procedures, the final outcome, etc. i've created a birth plan now. my honey is aware he is to bring the music, that i want something i can sing to so i can focus on that. i've picked out a picture of my grandmother and grandfather standing with me at age 4 to take as a focus picture as well. when i thought about what i wanted, i knew i had to have something of my grandfather's there with me. he raised me every summer, taught me to read, write and love life. i want him to watch over me as we bring our son into the world. tho, is truly saddens me that he won't meet our little man. i'd always hoped he would be around to teach my son the meaning of gambling and having fun. still- there in spirit...
so 5 weeks. it seems almost no time at all, but the longest 5 weeks ever as well. i'm excited. i'm scared. i'm nervous. i keep praying our lil boy will be healthy and happy. that he will know how much we love him. but mostly just healthy. lol. lots to worry about since i was on meds and such when he was conceived. nothing to be done about it now, but hope and pray. (tho i dont put much stock in praying these days)
so ya- worries upon worries. extreme amounts of nervousness. doesn't help that all my dreams are like apocalyptic! i can only put my faith in the good nutrition i've kept since finding out, the regular dr visits that say we're healthy and the support of our families that have been unwavering. that and the 300 articles i've read on the subject matter! getting down to the line and staring hard at the finish....
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