a lady never ever breaks under pressure, nor shows negative emotion at any time.
well i'm not a lady. i'm just a lump of flesh breathing the air around me. my seriously deeply sullen and morbid fixation is bothering my mate, but i assure him i'm fine... because in a way, i guess i am. i'm not jumping off a bridge or hurting myself in any way. i'm slightly self destructive in small ways, but nothing drastic. hell i'm not even cutting myself. that has to say in some tiny smidge of a way that i'm coping better than 5 years ago. but why? bcause right now i'm desolate, however, not pathetic. empty but unable to let the eff go. that's about the jist right? how can you explain hating everything around you, loving everyone around you and simultaniously wanting to die at the same time? its fucking ridiculous. but completely accurate.
i can't even go to effing walmart without crying, seeing some mother carrying her kiddo to the car. i just bust out. i cry my ass off because i know i'll never get to hold him like that again and just bury my face in his hair, inhaling his scent. that is the kind of thing that makes me hate this place. hate everything. i was fucking miserable before. i have been tolerably miserable my entire life. so now what? nothing is different. the one thing that changed it all is gone. with him he took all that i was.
someone told me to ask 'what now' well i do. and all i see is a life without his smile in the morning and his calling for me when he falls down. all i see is a life empty. if this fucked wound ever begins to heal, all i will be left with is a misery that can't be touched. i've already iced it for self preservation. otherwise i'd be pulling out my hair, cutting at myself and screaming from the top of my lungs 'GIVE HIM FUCKING BACK!'. but i'm not.
i dont know how to act. i dont know how to just be. but i'm pretty sure any way i act is probably damn acceptable. everyone grieves different? so what if my way is a bottle of moscato, pantera, and a blog. screw it. i dont have a way to grieve. i just seem to keep losing. i'm on the losing side and waiting to find out we're the good guys...we are the good guys... right?
Honey, you grieve how you need to grieve, cry when you need to cry and scream when you need to scream...it's life, it sucks but it's life. There is no wrong way to grieve the loss of your child, you just do what you need to do. If blogging your pain is what you need to do, then do it. The people who love you read this, with hearts bleeding, wishing we could take some of that pain away...knowing that there is no way to do that...Jason loves you and is worried about you, that's his job. Again, any time, any day...I am here for you.
ReplyDeleteYou are the good guys!!! Don't ever let anyone make you think you're not. You see the truth, and the truth is ugly, and the truth will always make you free.
ReplyDeleteYou know what hon? Screw anyone who doesn't like the way you are handling this. No one, NO ONE, can understand the depths of your pain. You grieve, you deal with his death, you make it through the days however you have to. People who love you and Jason will be supportive, and eff all the rest of them. I, for one, am reading your blog and wishing I could be there with you, drinking the Moscato and listening to Pantera. Just being. ((Hugs and kisses))
ReplyDeletei absolutely love you guys. its nice to know my words dont just go out into the ether. thank you.
ReplyDeleteErica, my heart aches for you. I wish I'd known your precious child. I can't imagine what you're going through. The world sure can be a fucked-up place, can't it? I am super impressed by your ability to articulate the pain and frustration through words, and I hope some smidge of healing occurs when you share your pain with others and know that they hurt with you. None of us can do anything at all to really help the pain, but we can walk through it with you. I love you, and God loves you--and it's perfectly okay to shout, scream, cuss, cry, get angry, or whatever you need to do. Frankly, the fact that you're willing to actually feel the feelings rather than trying to drown them out makes you my hero right now. Please hang in there, my friend!
ReplyDeleteFuck anyone who judges you. You do what you need to do to cope and feel.
ReplyDelete