it can't rain all the time...but it can be blue....

But it sure as hell feels like it will. i feel like its only been a day or two. finding out it had been over aweek freaked me out. it was like some mad editor had gotten ahold of the film of my life. and now he was rakishly running through and around and over parts that were supposed to be meaningful, to be forever.

it was supposed to be forever. that's the real kick in the face. you plan EVERYTHING around the small life that is granted you. the life that you nourished and protected and sustained for 9 effing months. that life that is so quickly gone. without even so much as an utterance. no sound at all. all is quiet now. everything is quiet. even the future. finding direction is like throwing a dart at a board of 'shit to do'. it has nothing to do with me anymore. without him. we had this five year plan to move so we could put him in private school. i'd have my graphic design business going well from home, jason moved up in work and we'd be happy.

in the two seconds it took me to turn him over and see his blue little face, my entire life was shattered. i can't explain the inner pain, but just the little things hurt the most...

he had hid my diary from me. i found it later with a toy next to it, as his little signature to say 'hahah mommy, i did it'. i cried until my sides hurt. until i was nothing but a wet shirt front and a ball of misery.

i took a shower. when i was pregnant, i had to sing to him to keep him from throwing us off balance. so i made up a song. to the classic tune i'll be so blue without you....' i'd be so bluuuuuuuuee, marcus... without you... I'd be so bluuuuuuuee, marcus...without you.... when i hold you in my arms, you will never come to harm.... i'll be so blue, blue marcus... with out you...' i sat in the shower and cried as i sang it over and over. my embrace didn't save him. i never thought i'd have to face the day he died before me. and blue can't describe the amount of darkness, emptiness, anger, misery, and sadness that i truly feel. but it will have to do..

because marcus....i am so very very blue without you.....i miss you baby....