maybe not so morbid?

so maybe this time i can write without being so morbid?

lets see- our septic tank backed up and we went without water for basically 4 days. because of that, we don't have the money for our bills. we've had family in town lately. which has been interesting. i love my mother, but sometimes its hard to have her around for a long time. my aunt, on the other hand, is really fun. she is the mother of my soul :)

outside of that, Marcus. Oh Marcus, my boy. he's crawled a few steps! he gets up on hands and knees and kinda launches himself forward. its adorable. he's having a hard time right now. he's teething something fierce. he's not eating a whole bottle alot of the time. also, he's chewing on anything in sight (including his entire hand at once) and drooling like there's no tomorrow! he runs a fever slightly from time to time. nothing severe tho. his 6 month dr appointment is tomorrow. i can't wait to see how much he's grown. he's in 9 months clothes these days. and his eyes are still very very blue. my mother is thrilled with that.

so how is motherhood, you ask? its wonderful on a whole. there are lil things that tend to wear on me. but that is just sleep deprivation combined with getting used to having someone you instinctively put before yourself at all times. when he's crying and there's nothing i can do to soothe him, i find myself annoyed. then i remember he's the one in pain and i just want to cuddle him more. the only thing that truly vexes me is trying to find the balance between taking care of him and taking care of everything else. i have to clean, cook, pick up, care for the dog and the cat, care for our garden.... and somewhere in there, make time for me? ha. not to mention, i'm trying to find work online so i can work from home. may even try to do some medical transcription courses online so i can do so.

really the only reason i'm constantly angry is mostly at our circumstances. there's things going on in the family still that are making matters worse. its hard to find a way to get everything back into some semblance of harmony. so here i wait. i dont have the authority to complete these tasks as i'd like. so i wait. i nudge. i hint. i try to help. but i find myself angry.

my best friend told me that my problem was i only saw the possibilities of life as it is, or life as i picture it. nothing in between, thus ruling out other possibilities completely. she's right. its time to get some new perspective on what i can make of this life. so that's it for the moment. i'm not so morbid anymore. just angry. at a world i cannot seem to change.