black days

have you ever had one of those days where everything is just a lil darker, just a lil less sparkly and the walls seem to close in?

i've woken up with this feeling today. its been interesting. mainly because i'm not sure what to do with it. before i would play loud music and do some crazyness in my apt. but just as i had gotten into that kind of routine, i'm now living with my love. its different, so how do i get this out?

well we could draw. we could clean the house. we could open download music and listen to it mutely on the laptop. then again, opening the windows and getting this sick feeling out of the pit of my stomach would be better.

who knows why days like this happens? is it some latent bs residing in the back of your mind. is it just left over feelings from bad dreams? or is it just freaking hormones because it might be close to the moon week of your month?

we dont know. but we want it gone! we dont feel oppressed, except by our own limitations. we dont feel particularly sad. just anxious. almost on edge. like there's something crazy in the pit of my stomach. its not so bad for me. if i'm alone. however, the poor man living with me. ooh yes, he gets the edge every time. my sharp tongue and pissy attitude is lil comfort to someone, anyone.

we are just realizing that half of the time 'we' are speaking in the plural. that's a bad sign, yes? oh well, nothing to be done now- right?

godbless this blog makes no freaking sense. that's how out there my head is today. completely detached from anything else except that sense of something wrong. Now, if i end up predicting something crazy and kinda bad happening, i'll know the sick fucked up feeling in my head connected directly to my gut then straight with quivering motions to my fingers and toes. i'll know its just me being psychic. LMAO. ya.

its like having a small tremor inside your body and not being able to control it, but knowing that u need to DO something with it. and no ffs, its not a panick attack. i'd be pacing instead of typing it out right now. no. this is a need for something. but for once, i can't identify what will satisfy the odd craving in my head and heart. its dark, kinda craggy, like wanting to strike at oneself. maybe a piercing will satisfy the demon?

ya know, sometimes i wish i had one of those ipod thingys so i could walk around with ear phones in and have theme music for everywhere i went or did. i could lay in the yard and listen to my own theme music... only problem is, even in the sunshine, i'd end up listening to My Dying Bride right now.

thats it for today. oh one last note. i threw a birthday party for my beau. it turned into 2 days of beer pong, pizza, rock band and people sleeping in odd places. it was a good thing. made him happy. that's what i do. now i just have to stop being a bitch. that would totally help.