the energy to go on

ok. this is going to be a quick post. because the shower is calling my name.

however- something on my mind. i look around and know that i have so much to be thankful for. a house, land, kick ass electronics and beautiful decorations, a nice kitchen... u get my drift. and i'm surviving. i'm not rolling in cash and getting anything i want, but we have everything that we Need.

is this ok? is this mediocre semblance of a life ok? should i be wanting more? i have things in the works, projects and ambitions, however in the stalemate before fruition.. what is there to keep going on?

normally i would say 'you have to be strong and push yourself' but
what if the Self has no drive?
what if the self doesn't really give a shit?
then what?

that's just it. i'm looking for that thing. that reason outside greed, ambition, need, survival.. outside the everyday, that will get me to go further. i need a small change. i used to dye my hair when this feeling came on. but lets face it, my hair wont take dye right now thanx to that habbit. So. a cut? a few new clothes bought with gift cards still not used? will this make me feel better?

shopping shouldn't be the answer to my pain. but if i can see me as something new, perhaps i will find an energy in that change to go on. lets hope so.