the man said Taa Daa!!

Great news! I popped!!

as of 1/9/10, at 8:35 am, Marcus Alexander has been born! at a whopping 7lbs and 11 oz, 20.5 inches long, he is the best thing to ever happen to me in my entire life.

so the story starts.... i had pre labor cramps thursday all day. called my mom. she and my aunt and grandma made it into town by 9pm that night. later that night, around midnight, my cramps eased off and i thought 'damn. not gonna happen tonight. i was soooo wrong! (did i mention it was snowing, just like in my dream?!?!?)

at 4 am i woke up in pain. i timed the first 3 contractions. they were already 6 minutes apart and hurt enough to take my breath away. i woke up the fiance, he jumped out of bed, got everyone else up and we all headed to the hospital. when we got there, the contractions were 3 minutes apart. they took me up to maternity. i was checked and found out i was only dilated to a 2. ick! so they had me get set up with a blood pressure cuff and gown and wait to see if i would dilate. this was about 530 am. at 930 am, they decided that since i wasn't dilating they would give me morphine and try to get me to rest and dilate. that wore off about 4 hours later, so the contractions started again. at 4pm, the dr came back and found i still was only at a 3 in dilation... they decided to give me give me a pain killer drip and some to sleep in an IV. by this time i was panicking from the pain, lack of sleep, lack of food and the thoughts that this would never end. i was in and out, but could still feel the contractions. it wasn't until 9pm that night when the dr came back and found i STILL hadn't dilated, that he decided to give me an epidural anyways. the intensity of my contractions were so bad, he did it even with out me dilating and even though we didn't know when i would. he decided that after the epidural, he would start me on pitocin to try and force my body into getting ready. i was numbed at 9pm.

i laid in the bed, going in and out from sheer lack of sleep and loss of will. the baby's heart rate started to drop after each of my contractions, and this worried the dr's. so they decided to go ahead and break my water, and insert internal monitors for his heartbeat and my contractions. this was at about 730 am. saturday morning.

while inserting the monitors, she noticed that during contraction, i had dilated to a 5! this was great news! everyone was soooooo happy. including me. i was so ready for this to be over. so was my fiance that had been by my side the entire time. they laid me back, and started to watch and found that in the next 30 min, my contractions went nuts! i was starting to feel them even thru the epidural.

the nurse said she would check me at 820, but ended up going ahead and checking me at 8. I was dilated to a 9! 10 minutes later, i was at a 10. the nurse called my dr to get there quick. she had me push with a contraction to see how well i could push. in one push, i was a +2, the baby's head visible. she had me breath thru the contractions, not pushing for the next 10 minutes till the dr got there.

he ran thru the door just as she put my legs in the stirrups and said i needed to go ahead and start bearing down. i pushed with the first contraction. the baby crowned.

i pushed with the second contraction, the baby's head was out! he told me not to wait for another contraction, just bear down.

i pushed, he said to look look! i looked down and saw my son's head and shoulders!! the dr should have said Taa Daa!

one more push! and Marcus was born! i watched as the dr clamped the cord and cut it. they laid him on my stomach, he kicked and screamed just once, then looked at me, i rubbed his chest, crying. my fiance said the baby's name. marcus looked at him right away. my fiance cried then as well.

our son was born and was perfectly healthy.




all my fears, worries, nightmares... all of them finally laid to rest. i hadn't messed this up, he was perfect and healthy and beautiful. at that moment, i realized Marcus is the best and most wonderful thing i had ever done in my entire life. he is the one thing i am Most proud of. i never thought i could be a mom. now i cant imagine my life with out my son.

its slightly lonely at night, with out the little pat pat in my tummy of his feet. it was hard to not have nightmares about him being lost or something happening to him while in the hospital. he's no longer perfectly safe in my tummy. he's in the world. but holding him makes my heart fly and my emotions stumble. looking into his eyes and watching him recognize my voice makes my world seem like i have purpose. he is the reason i can live on being a proud mother, proud woman and proud partner.

i was in contractions from 7am thursday morning till 7am saturday morning and active labor till 835 when he was born. 48 hours of pain, but it was worth every moment to have him sweetly by my side now. i love my son and hope i can show him just how much over the years to come.

Update!!! the final stretch...

well, i'm in the final stretch!

went to the dr today. First, my blood pressure was high. so they had me lay on my left side for a lil while before taking it again. it was normal the second time. So i have been advised i need to rest often and lay on my left side during the day to keep it normal, also to inform them of any bad headaches and/or seeing stars. Next the dr did the lil poke check on my cervix!

the news? I am almost completely effaced (down to 1/2 inch bout) and dilated 1 cm! the dr said he even touched the baby's head! i've actually seen a lil bit of what they call 'the bloody show' tonight, but have been informed that can be caused by sex or the pelvic exam, like i had today. we're looking at my going into labor around this weekend or next week. Next wed is my official due date, so all is well!...

cept for one thing. SNOW!! its supposed to snow its ass off this thursday and then again on saturday. even if i make it thru the weekend, its supposed to snow AGAIN on my due date! crazy huh? even stranger? the one labor dream i had, we were in the car on the way to the hospital, mom in the back seat telling me to breath, while we drove thru the .... wait for it... SNOW!

is that a premonition? no idea! but i'm curious... my mom is supposed to get here on sunday and i'd like to have her here when i go into labor. i'm not as scared of labor, thanx to the multitude of sites and online childbirth classes i've been reading thru. However! having her here would definitely help in determining when i should head to the hospital, if i'm in true labor vs braxton hicks or false labor and reminding me to slow down and focus on my breathing during.

all in all, i'm excited. there was a bounce to my step when i walked out of the dr's office. just knowing that the dr was able to poke my baby's head, that he's in the right position, has dropped and is ready to go..... i can now finally visualize him in my arms. i realize just how close we are to having out little one in the house, cuddled next to us. even my fiance is excited as hell. he joked he'd like to find a big ass spider to shove in my face and scare me into labor!

we're down to the last moments of waiting. each day is feeling longer, each small cramp a possible sign. i realize after the baby is here, we'll be getting no sleep, but the thought of holding our son in our arms overcomes any worries about inconveniences... its the final stretch and i'm ready to make the last leap!

motherhood and what it entails towards the end of pregnancy

I have 9 days left till my due date.

most of you know, i'm pregnant as hell! so i just wanted to share a few things the normal pregnant woman might not :)


i'm tired as hell, but some how get the 2 am urge to clean the oven.

i crave sunkist, raspberry sorbet and cheesecake.

we decorated the nursery in dr seuss so there would be no pastels in our life :) but now i have rhymes in my head 24/7.

i haven't seen my nani in over a month and half with out the use of contortion and a hand mirror. shaving blind is out of the question.

i cry any time there is one of those commercials on tv with the hurt kitties and puppies, or any show/commercial with sad old men.

my legs spaz for no reason at night time and my hips feel like someone has pulled my legs in opposing directions like an abused barbie doll.

heartburn is never ending, but antacids give me gas. its a toss up as to which one is more uncomfortable.

i'm horny as hell, but sex brings on a session of 'Braxton Hicks' contractions - which can feel like early labor this far in.

trying to get out of bed requires more grace than i have and help from my fiance half the time. when the cat is sleeping on my side of the bed, its an even more strange dance of 'humpty dumpty rolling around the kitty'.

i have nightmares/dreams that should be turned into Spielberg movies. Magic rings to find the kid, mountain getaways that include monster run flea markets, zombie apocalypse running with my mom and aunt jacking cars, and bio warfare while we hideaway in a basement in Greece that is stocked full of wine and cheese....

and lastly-

i'm ready for the baby to be here. i want to see him, hold him and cuddle him, but the fear of labor has my knees clamped together tighter than maximum security prisons.

aaaaaaaahh motherhood :)

getting down to the line...

well, the due date is only 5 weeks off.

previously, i had been scared witless of labor. freaking out about every little aspect of it, in fact. i mean- pushing something as big as a baby out of the one orifice in my body i treat like a temple, worried that it might ruin me, as well as kill me. not to mention, the actual pain. i've always been into pain, but not this kind.

so what did i do? i read about it. i've read every little thing there is about the process, the steps and procedures, the final outcome, etc. i've created a birth plan now. my honey is aware he is to bring the music, that i want something i can sing to so i can focus on that. i've picked out a picture of my grandmother and grandfather standing with me at age 4 to take as a focus picture as well. when i thought about what i wanted, i knew i had to have something of my grandfather's there with me. he raised me every summer, taught me to read, write and love life. i want him to watch over me as we bring our son into the world. tho, is truly saddens me that he won't meet our little man. i'd always hoped he would be around to teach my son the meaning of gambling and having fun. still- there in spirit...

so 5 weeks. it seems almost no time at all, but the longest 5 weeks ever as well. i'm excited. i'm scared. i'm nervous. i keep praying our lil boy will be healthy and happy. that he will know how much we love him. but mostly just healthy. lol. lots to worry about since i was on meds and such when he was conceived. nothing to be done about it now, but hope and pray. (tho i dont put much stock in praying these days)

so ya- worries upon worries. extreme amounts of nervousness. doesn't help that all my dreams are like apocalyptic! i can only put my faith in the good nutrition i've kept since finding out, the regular dr visits that say we're healthy and the support of our families that have been unwavering. that and the 300 articles i've read on the subject matter! getting down to the line and staring hard at the finish....

a baby shower to remember

My sister threw one hell of a baby shower. Dr seuss theme, kick ass games and people i love. Here's the pics! my mother and soon to be mother in law even posed. my sister created hand made cupcakes. the table was set totally rad. and we even got a pic of me, my mother, my aunt and my grandma. With Marcus in my tummy, that's 4 generations in that picture :) these are the things that remind me i'm loved. i couldn't have asked for more.

le sigh

Again, took too long to write, however i find myself very out of sorts lately.

I procrastinated so long on getting my shower invitations out, that i actually woke up one morning panicking about it. Now THAT'S serious procrastination. I finally got them printed and sent. Now i just have to hope everyone likes them. Seeing as how i was the one that designed them. when i sent the proof to my mother, however, she blatantly told me it was bad. She stated i needed to create something more 'conventional' and that the poem i wrote for them begged the question as to whether i was married before prego. The last two lines are 'as we ponder which came first, the oven or the bun!' I thought i was making a cute reference to the eternal joke about which came first, the chicken or the egg. She thought our son would look back on it and be ashamed because i was pointing out he's being born a technical bastard.

This kinda bothered me, but it bothered the fiance a lot more. He feels that if she jumped to that conclusion, then maybe that's how she feels about our child. doesn't matter that we are engaged to get married after the kiddo arrives. Or that mom even approved of our idea (as i get state insurance while being unwed and preggers). i think she's just being overprotective. that she's worried someone else might see it that way and what they might think of me for making a joke about it. still. put a serious damper on how i felt about my great creation. guess i'll get the feedback once my lovely artistic friends receive them and give me their opinions.

on the other side of my depression- i got the verdict from my dr about whether or not to breast feed. Its a no go. two reasons. I have horrible eczema, which has even cracked the skin of my nipples to the point that they stick to the inside of any shirt/bra i wear and constantly hurt. second reason, if i breast feed, i can't go back on my meds during postpartum... i didn't realize it till my sister said something, but i'm going to be under a microscope during that time. i guess everyone is worried i will sink into the horrible postpartum depression and self destruct or something. so as a result. i'm afraid to even talk about my fears or the worries i have about my pregnancy. i talked to my aunt when i went to visit and frankly, its already come back to bite me in the ass. i told her about feeling kinda trapped, as when we found out i was pregnant, i was already 15 weeks in. no going back. that it sometimes felt hard, since i hadn't wanted kids originally. However, i never meant to imply that i don't want my child. maternal instinct takes over once the deed is done and i'm fiercly protective of this child. i thought verbalizing my fear and initial frustration would make me feel better, but instead i just feel more under the microscope. now i know that my mother will be staying with us after the baby is born and i'm scared to death she will judge me. that's a fear i've always had with my mother tho. now it's not just judging me, but me as a mother.

i'm depressed that i can't breast feed. its such a simple and giving thing to be able to do for your child. to provide sustenance, love, bonding and warmth... i feel like a little of a failure. like not only am i unfit mentally, but apparently physically as well. its not fair. my entire body is covered in a mesh of spots, cracked skin and itchy sores. as if this wasn't enough payment for my sins, now the basic gift of feeding my child is gone as well. the only up side to this, is i'll be able to take the meds for my skin as well as for my mental health. with the meds back in my system, i have less to worry about people freaking on my mental state.,...... but i can't shake the feeling of inadequacy.

outside of the breastfeeding thing, everything with the pregnancy is going great. he's huge, kicking like chuck norris and healthy to boot. now if i just didn't look like a freakin leper (and itch like one too), i'd be in heaven. i have to remind myself that i'm lucky to have a man that loves me, even the nasty ugly me i see in the mirror after every shower. i'm lucky he doesn't shy away from touching me, that he still wants me intimately and tells me i'm beautiful. even when i'm over reacting about something stupid and being emotional. heh.

still. i have so many worries about how we are going to make this work, how we will make it thru 2 weeks of my mother staying with us before the baby is born and how we will support our child there after. there is so much to do before the baby is here, around the house, putting in a bathtub and getting the nursery ready...i feel like i'm pushing too much too fast on the fiance and its scaring the shit out of him. but i feel like if i don't push, nothing will get done and we'll be left floundering. needless to say, we just weren't ready. but i have faith that we will Get ready. period. i have to keep thinking that way, or i'll just lose it.

and now back to playing the CSI video game on the xbox. its obsessive and detail oriented and totally fun to be the one finding clues. plays up to my OCD wonderfully. and takes my mind off of everything else. way to go xbox for making my life better, even if just a little. le sigh. heh

sometimes i wonder

Well its been a while, once again. i think it has come down to an actual avoidance of writing. if i write i have to think...

I also realize i dont have many readers. this is actually comforting in times like this, times i have things on my mind, rotting in the back, that are darker than i'd like to admit, or even disclose. however i have no way of exercising the demons with out writing. that was the point of starting a blog... ha. at least for me.

Basically i am looking at myself right now and wondering is this ok? i am...pregnant, engaged, happy... but nothing. is it ok to bring a child into a world i disliked for so long? i've never been a happy go lucky person, depressed and depressing since i can remember. over the last 5 years i've made a serious and concious effort to find happiness in myself. i wrote once that getting help was just that and didn't change who you are. i got help, talked to a nice therapist, did the time with myself and making myself concentrate on the good. i faltered, regressed, even broke down sometimes, but over time it became second nature to always put that formost in my mind. No one can make you happy, except yourself.

so i am still me. but now i'm bringing a child into the world. the most simple and yet most complex thing i've ever done. so easy to get pregnant. hell i didn't know till i was almost 16 weeks. but in changing so much, in evaluating myself from the stand point of potential parent; i'm not sure i like what i see. i still struggle to give a shit about the world a lot of the time. this has given me a focal point. it's easy to get lost in the rush of happiness that you get from the attention, the child moving, the decorating of the nursery. it's easy to just sit back and prep with out thinking into the future of this kid. but, am i the type of person that can be a loving mother? i am standoffish unless i know you Really well. i dont trust, i'm cynical, a total procrastinater.. i was a wild child to the point of putting myself in danger constantly.. i often think its a miracle i survived unscathed... does someone like that have the right to tell a kid what's ok? i learned everything i know the hard way, but does it make it right?

i used to say i didn't want kids because i didn't like the world i'd have to bring them up in. i worry about this now. keeping up with politics, social trends and media, i've seen the things our world is capable of. its not just the worries i would have about a kid of my own genes being out in the world of sex, drugs and rock n roll. no i also have to worry about the world and their evils. I worry that my child won't have health care because his mother never finished college. i worry that if my child ends up being gay, he will have to watch over his shoulder at all times in fear of the rednecks and their bigotry. i worry that my child might not have the chance to really live his dream because he's coming from a less than blue blooded republican home.

these are the things that give me the nightmares. when i myself am so conflicted, how can i love a world that i felt didn't love me? how can i let a child experience the same unhappiness and doubt and fear and ridicule i did? school was hell, being in my own head was hell... i had family that loved me, but didn't understand me. still i only have two people that have a true glimpse inside the darkness of my mind. and even they dont see the worst, the parts i dont even reveal for them. at this stage in the game, there is no turning back; but i'm so scared, i can't even verbalize my fears.

i guess this is where you are supposed to forget about yourself, your own conflicts and problems, and paste on the smile to enjoy life with the lil one. its no longer about you. its about the kid. its about what they need. and they need a parent that is whole, unfailing and loving in every aspect. my child will never know the darkness inside. only the love i have for him, the love i have for his father and my will to make his life whole and beautiful. this is where i turn my back on my self.

and maybe in the process i can pull myself out of this stupid depression, get started cleaning the house and moving shit around for the nursery. i said i was a procrastinator. sometimes i wonder if i am worthy of all of this. or if i have anything in me to give. guess we'll find out in two months.