le sigh

Again, took too long to write, however i find myself very out of sorts lately.

I procrastinated so long on getting my shower invitations out, that i actually woke up one morning panicking about it. Now THAT'S serious procrastination. I finally got them printed and sent. Now i just have to hope everyone likes them. Seeing as how i was the one that designed them. when i sent the proof to my mother, however, she blatantly told me it was bad. She stated i needed to create something more 'conventional' and that the poem i wrote for them begged the question as to whether i was married before prego. The last two lines are 'as we ponder which came first, the oven or the bun!' I thought i was making a cute reference to the eternal joke about which came first, the chicken or the egg. She thought our son would look back on it and be ashamed because i was pointing out he's being born a technical bastard.

This kinda bothered me, but it bothered the fiance a lot more. He feels that if she jumped to that conclusion, then maybe that's how she feels about our child. doesn't matter that we are engaged to get married after the kiddo arrives. Or that mom even approved of our idea (as i get state insurance while being unwed and preggers). i think she's just being overprotective. that she's worried someone else might see it that way and what they might think of me for making a joke about it. still. put a serious damper on how i felt about my great creation. guess i'll get the feedback once my lovely artistic friends receive them and give me their opinions.

on the other side of my depression- i got the verdict from my dr about whether or not to breast feed. Its a no go. two reasons. I have horrible eczema, which has even cracked the skin of my nipples to the point that they stick to the inside of any shirt/bra i wear and constantly hurt. second reason, if i breast feed, i can't go back on my meds during postpartum... i didn't realize it till my sister said something, but i'm going to be under a microscope during that time. i guess everyone is worried i will sink into the horrible postpartum depression and self destruct or something. so as a result. i'm afraid to even talk about my fears or the worries i have about my pregnancy. i talked to my aunt when i went to visit and frankly, its already come back to bite me in the ass. i told her about feeling kinda trapped, as when we found out i was pregnant, i was already 15 weeks in. no going back. that it sometimes felt hard, since i hadn't wanted kids originally. However, i never meant to imply that i don't want my child. maternal instinct takes over once the deed is done and i'm fiercly protective of this child. i thought verbalizing my fear and initial frustration would make me feel better, but instead i just feel more under the microscope. now i know that my mother will be staying with us after the baby is born and i'm scared to death she will judge me. that's a fear i've always had with my mother tho. now it's not just judging me, but me as a mother.

i'm depressed that i can't breast feed. its such a simple and giving thing to be able to do for your child. to provide sustenance, love, bonding and warmth... i feel like a little of a failure. like not only am i unfit mentally, but apparently physically as well. its not fair. my entire body is covered in a mesh of spots, cracked skin and itchy sores. as if this wasn't enough payment for my sins, now the basic gift of feeding my child is gone as well. the only up side to this, is i'll be able to take the meds for my skin as well as for my mental health. with the meds back in my system, i have less to worry about people freaking on my mental state.,...... but i can't shake the feeling of inadequacy.

outside of the breastfeeding thing, everything with the pregnancy is going great. he's huge, kicking like chuck norris and healthy to boot. now if i just didn't look like a freakin leper (and itch like one too), i'd be in heaven. i have to remind myself that i'm lucky to have a man that loves me, even the nasty ugly me i see in the mirror after every shower. i'm lucky he doesn't shy away from touching me, that he still wants me intimately and tells me i'm beautiful. even when i'm over reacting about something stupid and being emotional. heh.

still. i have so many worries about how we are going to make this work, how we will make it thru 2 weeks of my mother staying with us before the baby is born and how we will support our child there after. there is so much to do before the baby is here, around the house, putting in a bathtub and getting the nursery ready...i feel like i'm pushing too much too fast on the fiance and its scaring the shit out of him. but i feel like if i don't push, nothing will get done and we'll be left floundering. needless to say, we just weren't ready. but i have faith that we will Get ready. period. i have to keep thinking that way, or i'll just lose it.

and now back to playing the CSI video game on the xbox. its obsessive and detail oriented and totally fun to be the one finding clues. plays up to my OCD wonderfully. and takes my mind off of everything else. way to go xbox for making my life better, even if just a little. le sigh. heh