reasons to care.

i write because i have no idea what else i can do to make this stop.

to be honest, i'm not even sure what to put here. the only thing i do know is, writing has to be better than downing half a bottle of xannax.

i'm fraught with frustration. frustrated at sleeping alone again. frustrated at pricks who are supposed to know the mind, yet can't seem to stop being an asshole. frustrated by my own inadequacies physically.

yesterday, i got out of the shower and simply cried. because it hurt. few of you know i have a genetic thing that gives me 5 different kinds of skin conditions. the reason u only see my face and tits in pictures is because the rest is covered in scars. right now, its bad and just soap and water burn. the medicine has alcohol in it, so it burns more. my entire body on fire and every joint i flex, more pain as the skin splits and cracks. i cried more for the fact that its been 11 years of this, than the physical pain.

the physical i have gotten used to. its the knowing i'll never wear shorts with out tights or sox, the experience of my skin sticking to whatever its on and ripping off when i stand or move. the knowing that for the rest of my life, it will hurt just to use my hands, that cooking, creating, everything i love will hurt. and that there will be times i can't even do that. and the best part is there's nothing to be done. they can treat it, but not cure it. they can keep it at bay with strong meds that fuck my mood, my head, my heart, and my weight all up. they can give me temp relief by doing a series of 40-80 injections, placing cortisone under each sore; but that hurts almost as much as the sore itself.

i'm finding it harder and harder to pick myself back up. and whats really funny?

the reason i'm ranting was talking to a 'friend' that's got a degree in psychology and he did nothing but provoke, argue and fuck with me. i was so frustrated that someone supposedly so smart could be such a dumbass. he has that lil piece of paper that i dont, the one saying he's smart, the degree. yet, he's so blind and listens so little, he hurts the very kind of people that he's supposed to one day help. then wanders why women dont like him. sigh.

i dont get it. and i dont really feel like trying. that's why i write. because otherwise i'd be forced to call someone and explain all this. then they would get all upset because i sound suicidal and blah blah blah. it becomes more of a hassle than a help. so i write that i hurt. i write that i can't stop it and i write that i'm not sure i give a shit anymore. the only reason i hold on is for the family that loves me. because it would break their hearts. outside of that. i'm devoid of reason anymore. i need a reason to care.

i need a reason to care, even though caring leads to more hurt.... that's life?

hiding behind privacy settings.

alright.

i've blogged about this before, but i feel the need to do it again. as i am now on face book and myspace, i notice that EVERYONE just about has their profile on private! its funny as hell. i cant decide if people are protecting something or hiding something.

i spoke last time about the different reasons why people do this. A: they have a kick ass job, yet are a true freak underneath and wouldn't like the attention brought at work for this. understandable, specially in these trying economic times. then there is B: people whose everday sux to the extent that they hide it. its like the feline mentality ie: if i can't see you, you can't see me. However.

i can admit. i was actually tempted to make my own profile completely private. all because of one prick. one asshole that i can't seem to shake, no matter how many times i block him, mark him as spam or tell him he's the scum of the earth. in the first few moments of rage, that he would comment on my blog as a means to contact me, i really wanted to kick every person out of my damn profile. However.

he's an attention whore. and we all know what that means. give them what they want and they thrive. instead i will publicly denounce setting profiles to private, that i have nothing to hide. that no matter how good or how bad my life is, i have no reason to fear other's knowing about it. that i am proud no matter what.

i'm not sure why people are so scared to let someone see them hurt. maybe because people are pricks by nature and they like to kick others when they are down. but really? if you know who you are and you are proud of who you are, why hide behind privacy settings?

wait. that's right. they AREN'T proud of who they are. in fact they fear judgment by everyone else so much they hide. they fear that everyone else will see the lil drama of their lives and think something of it. they are afraid to let people see their true colors. maybe because they think the true colors wont be accepted, or maybe to keep the people out there from knowing just how much shit they start in the first place.

i've noticed those with extensive drama in their lives tend to hide. from what i can tell, usually so no one has to know the whole truth. this way they can show just what lil they want, a smiling pic and an annecdote. cute. but gay. and completely sugar coated.

stop being afraid of reality people. if you can't be accepted as you are, you are no more than a lie anyways. if you aren't brave enough to put yourself out there, then why should u succeed at anything.

i am the queen of knowing the face of judgement. i've seen it on the countless faces of those that see the real me and are afraid. but that doesn't change the fact of who i am. Letting the judgement of others change you is in itself a sin. losing yourself because someone else thinks you are sick, or odd, or dark, or a 'heathen'..... that's just weak. i tried for years to conform to some kind of 'normalcy' and it got me nowhere except sad to have lost myself. i found it again. and no longer will i hide just how messed up i am.

i love pain, i love pleasure, i love late nites, sex, anime, movies, piercings, bondage, and many more things i wont mention for the sake of my vanilla readers i adore. ;) but they know. they know who i am. who i have always been..

I REFUSE TO HIDE BEHIND A PRIVACY SETTING BECAUSE OF FEAR.
SEE ME AND KNOW I AM WHO I AM.

its been a while

so-

what has happened in the long ass time its taken me to get back to writing?


I had friends in that i only get to see really once a year as they stay with me for a music festival in our area. its 4 days of music, camping and every other kind of debauchery you can think of. i haven't found an outlet to bring forth my inner lush better than this festival.

needless to say i spent alot of my youth experimenting with different substances, however the one thing i finally learned at the expense of a small chunk of my sanity, moderation. always in moderation and everything will be ok. but if you can't moderate yourself, then dont do it at all. otherwise the effects are all ur own fault. :)

so that being said. once a year, we get together and act like total hippies for 4 days. its great. the music was wonderful and the time with my friends even better.

ok. otherwise. i cut my hair. ya not all of it. just chopped it up a bit more. it was one of those 'omg i'm going to explode if i dont do something crazy!!!' moments. i would dye it but as it doesn't take dye anymore from that habit..... here ya go. family is coming in town. i have to get my car fixed. i'm still laid off adn living off the govt. i'm still working on my toons for my greeting card idea. i'm just in stasis.

like floating with no idea of when you might stop. will you float forever or decide to search for land? is there even land to be had or is this just the penacle of not caring? hell i dont even know for myself anymore. i've lost that goal in mind. that place i was searching for. finding physical comfort, i now search for nothing. with out this driving force, i've found i have no motivation.

WHY? why does one need a reward in order to have a driving force? I want my rewards back!

like a kid with candy, i would horde my lil candy pieces until i had done something successfully. then i would give myself a reward with a lil piece.

now i just look at each day as another and they all blend together into this mush. the scary part is its driving that darkest part of me to the surface. that need for pain. that need for punishment. that need for blood. the savageness that i try to hide so much, the raging inferno inside that i have tamed to embers for the sake of living sanely.

the normality i have reached has now become a burden i bear. i know nothing but to shrug it off. but with it, does the lil bit of calm i've created in my head go with it? do i lose all the progress with the image? i like to think my personality is stronger than that, but how should i know? i've strived to conform for the sake of other's happiness for so many years, do i even know who i am anymore? all i know is i miss the pain. its there, but i can't tap into it anymore. i cant touch it and know it anymore. if i do i'm afraid i will shatter and all the control and bars and locks and walls i've put up will wither away.

all speculation. either i have the confidence in my own strength to gain back the darkest sweetest desires locked in my heart with out reverting to the queen bitch i was. OR i'm a pussy. that's the options in my eyes. weakness is not acceptable. we shall see how i fare over the next month.

the energy to go on

ok. this is going to be a quick post. because the shower is calling my name.

however- something on my mind. i look around and know that i have so much to be thankful for. a house, land, kick ass electronics and beautiful decorations, a nice kitchen... u get my drift. and i'm surviving. i'm not rolling in cash and getting anything i want, but we have everything that we Need.

is this ok? is this mediocre semblance of a life ok? should i be wanting more? i have things in the works, projects and ambitions, however in the stalemate before fruition.. what is there to keep going on?

normally i would say 'you have to be strong and push yourself' but
what if the Self has no drive?
what if the self doesn't really give a shit?
then what?

that's just it. i'm looking for that thing. that reason outside greed, ambition, need, survival.. outside the everyday, that will get me to go further. i need a small change. i used to dye my hair when this feeling came on. but lets face it, my hair wont take dye right now thanx to that habbit. So. a cut? a few new clothes bought with gift cards still not used? will this make me feel better?

shopping shouldn't be the answer to my pain. but if i can see me as something new, perhaps i will find an energy in that change to go on. lets hope so.