Well its been a while, once again. i think it has come down to an actual avoidance of writing. if i write i have to think...
I also realize i dont have many readers. this is actually comforting in times like this, times i have things on my mind, rotting in the back, that are darker than i'd like to admit, or even disclose. however i have no way of exercising the demons with out writing. that was the point of starting a blog... ha. at least for me.
Basically i am looking at myself right now and wondering is this ok? i am...pregnant, engaged, happy... but nothing. is it ok to bring a child into a world i disliked for so long? i've never been a happy go lucky person, depressed and depressing since i can remember. over the last 5 years i've made a serious and concious effort to find happiness in myself. i wrote once that getting help was just that and didn't change who you are. i got help, talked to a nice therapist, did the time with myself and making myself concentrate on the good. i faltered, regressed, even broke down sometimes, but over time it became second nature to always put that formost in my mind. No one can make you happy, except yourself.
so i am still me. but now i'm bringing a child into the world. the most simple and yet most complex thing i've ever done. so easy to get pregnant. hell i didn't know till i was almost 16 weeks. but in changing so much, in evaluating myself from the stand point of potential parent; i'm not sure i like what i see. i still struggle to give a shit about the world a lot of the time. this has given me a focal point. it's easy to get lost in the rush of happiness that you get from the attention, the child moving, the decorating of the nursery. it's easy to just sit back and prep with out thinking into the future of this kid. but, am i the type of person that can be a loving mother? i am standoffish unless i know you Really well. i dont trust, i'm cynical, a total procrastinater.. i was a wild child to the point of putting myself in danger constantly.. i often think its a miracle i survived unscathed... does someone like that have the right to tell a kid what's ok? i learned everything i know the hard way, but does it make it right?
i used to say i didn't want kids because i didn't like the world i'd have to bring them up in. i worry about this now. keeping up with politics, social trends and media, i've seen the things our world is capable of. its not just the worries i would have about a kid of my own genes being out in the world of sex, drugs and rock n roll. no i also have to worry about the world and their evils. I worry that my child won't have health care because his mother never finished college. i worry that if my child ends up being gay, he will have to watch over his shoulder at all times in fear of the rednecks and their bigotry. i worry that my child might not have the chance to really live his dream because he's coming from a less than blue blooded republican home.
these are the things that give me the nightmares. when i myself am so conflicted, how can i love a world that i felt didn't love me? how can i let a child experience the same unhappiness and doubt and fear and ridicule i did? school was hell, being in my own head was hell... i had family that loved me, but didn't understand me. still i only have two people that have a true glimpse inside the darkness of my mind. and even they dont see the worst, the parts i dont even reveal for them. at this stage in the game, there is no turning back; but i'm so scared, i can't even verbalize my fears.
i guess this is where you are supposed to forget about yourself, your own conflicts and problems, and paste on the smile to enjoy life with the lil one. its no longer about you. its about the kid. its about what they need. and they need a parent that is whole, unfailing and loving in every aspect. my child will never know the darkness inside. only the love i have for him, the love i have for his father and my will to make his life whole and beautiful. this is where i turn my back on my self.
and maybe in the process i can pull myself out of this stupid depression, get started cleaning the house and moving shit around for the nursery. i said i was a procrastinator. sometimes i wonder if i am worthy of all of this. or if i have anything in me to give. guess we'll find out in two months.
