should i? could i?

Crouched over You were not there Living in fear But signs were not really that scarce
Obvious tears But I will not Hide you through this I want you to help them, please see
The bleeding heart perched on my shirt
Die, withdraw Hide in cold sweat Quivering lips Ignore remorse Naming a kid, living wasteland This time i've tried All that i can turning me red
Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I
Here we are with my obsession
Should I, could I




I haven't written in a while. i have been up and down, all around, manic, depressed, insomnia, sleeping too long....i have moments where i think i can turn this pain into something else. get e it out and then bring attention to the problem. when people love a child or parent and then lose them out from under their noses... its debilitating. i feel sorry for anyone that's been in our place. its hell. but a hell we live in daily. unable to change the things around me, i have taken apt interest in myself. i'm selfish anyways, so it comes naturally. however, it makes me sick. i see a picture and i realize that was mine. my little boy. he's been gone for over 3 and a half months now. i wish i was dead. i just dont care about life, or what is next. if i didn't have so many that love me and would be hurt, taking on my pain; i'd have quit this crappy place. but i can't. can't die. can't live. i have cramps...that's good right?

i'm scared because deep inside, every time i see a child, i ache with loss. i ache because i have no way to ever see my lil man ever again. all i have is memories and mementos. its so damn unfair. why. He came down, said 'erica. here is a gift that will change your life, give you purpose and make you happy till the end of your days'..... my angel came. but just as soon as i was comfortable and in love with being mommy.... He took him away, saying 'erica. he was the best thing that ever happened to you. make something good of his time. make him proud. but someone else needs him now.'..... i can't figure out what i did wrong. i just want to know. i can't bring him back, but still not knowing because the state is effing slow!! is bs. they cut up my baby AND STILL unable to tell me what is wrong, why he is gone. assholes.

i'm scared i can't make this pain into anything, and it will fester and boil over. i have to get it out. but i dont know how. or what i can even do. i never thot i'd be this person. i'm weak and pathetic. i had a panic attack on the phone with my father. i've never shown someone i respect so much the ugliest side of mine. the darkness that's left in me. the sucking black hole that will just keep taking my soul into eternal winter. until i can deal, i will pull the crazy card on my shrink. wont be hard since i dont have to pretend. just show him under the mask. just what crazed and miserable, pathetic and selfish person lives under there.

i dont even want to be me. i'm so confused. and i'm too damn old to feel this way. i'm too damn old to start over. i'm too damn tired and old to keep going. i'm pissed because an old friend refuses to talk to me. i'm pissed because i miss my sissy and bro. i'm pissed because i can't do anything for myself right now. i'm pissed that i'm this weak.


run, desire, run
a sexual being
run him like a blade
to and through the heart, no conscience
one motive: cater to the hollow

screaming feed me here
fill me up again
temporarily pacify this hunger that's so cruel

libido throw
dominoes of indiscretions down
falling all around in cycles, in circles
constantly consuming, conquering, devour.

'cause its time to bring the fire down
throttle all this indiscretion
long enough to edify
and permanently fill this hollow

screaming feed me here
fill me up again
temporarily pacifying
feed me here
fill me up again
temporarily pacifying
---a perfect circle 'the hollow'

nothing left

Kill me now, while I still have a soul to take. If I dont see tomorrow, I'll be glad not to wake. I have nothing left inside, nothing left to break. replacing him with this pain, everything else just seems fake.

home is where the heart is?

if home is where the heart is, then where do you go while your heart is in shreds?

i came back to the house. i came back for j. i thought i had a little bit of a grip, had done a little bit of healing in the three weeks away. however, upon coming back, i realize i have done nothing. i'm just as messed up and torn up inside as ever. i felt better, but all i have done is cry off and on all day today. everywhere i look, i see my lil man. i miss him so effing bad. i missed my meds for 2 days. i went thru partial dt's this morning, then got back on today. out of xanny for the moment however, and no liquor in the house. i'm a mess.

i had a panick attack earlier in the day, to the point that j walked me outside and i dont remember us getting there. just him telling me to breathe. and then a huge bug hit my ankle and actually scared me out of it for a few moments, then it came rushing back and i was back in tears. an hour and half later, i was laying with my head in j's lap on the couch willing myself to sleep.

the kittens cry and i ache. i haven't lost the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach or the ache in my chest all day. it just lingers there. i had forgotten while being at mom's how much it hurt to be here. i had forgotten just what a gloomy air hangs about the house, the pressure-like sadness that pushes at me. but i can't even worry about it. even though all i do is cry, i have to get a job, make hella cash before oct 6 and save. i dont know how, but i have to save and get us out of here. i will go mad in this house. it echos of the happiness i had for such a short period of time.

my time at mom's was wonderful. i love my parents so much and have such a wonderful brother and sissy (love you hatchi). being with them helped. unfortunately, my skin hates that place. still. everything hates this place. even though lubbock itself is a cool town, the people are ultimately incredible or horribly immature. even though i spent my time writing, sleeping, drinking, talking with my mom, spending time with my brother, in the background was the crap that is that town. i want to just grab up the people i love, eliminate the ones i dont and put everyone in one place, a kick ass city. the town still didn't touch the gold that was being home with mom. it couldn't.

yet here i am. in this bed. with his blanket. crying. and blogging. i hope that everyone understands i'm writing the things i can't say, that i write in the hopes of finding a path again. i know it sounds negative. i know i sound simply angry and rude and bitchy. however, at the same time, i write every day in a journal one thing i'm thankful for. i try to keep some kind of routine that makes it normal. but its been two months since losing my baby boy and i still can't stand it. i dont know how it will ever stop hurting. all i know is i have a lot of shit to take care of, all of which require massive amounts of cash. i love how the world just revolves around money. its so simple yet so evil. what's the value on a mother's tears? how much do you think they would place on the fear, anger, desperation, uncertainty, loss and woe while mourning a lost child? probably nothing, since it would be considered 'humanities' and we all know that's not something the govt cares about in the least. they care about money. and there is no profit in caring about the people. only in getting re-elected.

again, i digress. simply put. we shall see. i have no idea if i can stand this. i dont know if i can make it in this memory locked space. that sounds dramatic and stupid. but crying every moment i'm home isn't exactly good for a person. thank god for meds that make me sleep. they should kick in soon. and i can stop freaking for just a little while. that will be nice.

there was no over all point to my catterwallings, however just a need. for something other than pain. just a little numbness until i can handle it? everything is so overwhelming. too many things at once life just never stops to let us take a breath and rest. i suppose this is where guys 'suck it up' and girls are supposed to put on a pretty mask that all will be ok. i'm too damn scared anymore to do it. its so late for me. and i'm back where i started. just so damn scared.

but every journey starts with a single step and if that step is wrong, you simply step back and try again. my father talked to me as well in texas. those were his words. he is right. he reminded me that 'fear is the mind killer'.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

long nights

i can't explain The voice now in my head All i know is the pain Wishing i was dead
There's nothing to do But wait for it to end So dark without you No light around the bend
You were my everything My wonderous show of love Now i can't love anything Not even the invisible man above.
The anger pulls my strings But you awoke my heart Every memory stings No one will ever fill your part.
Rest well my sweet baby as a star in the sky While no-longer-mommy Is left to wonder why.....

its a particularly hard night. the last few weeks i've been staying in texas with my parents. J was able to come for a long weekend, but not long enough. even the thought of returning to that house makes me wanna cry. life without marcus is surface at best and heart rending. i looked to an old friend for the preoffered comfort only to find i had been pushed away. its been hard being back. everyone has their lives and i'm not a part of that anymore. so i float in and out, in my little back house, crying at night and putting on the mask of happy during the day. all so my mom will not realize that i'm so not ready to leave. she wants me to heal, but i dont have enough time to. j is back home working. given, he only has to spend a few hours in the house during the week, and i'm there 24 hours. still. its hard being apart. ]

we obviously dont get everything we want in life, but can i not just have one effing thing that doesn't get taken away after i fall in love and put my everything into it, or not be abused? or maybe just a cure for the eczema, or the thyroid problems, or avoid the death of over 5 family members in the last two years.....now combine with an estate battle, lawyer fees, job finding suckyness and a major hate for the world in general anyways and you have my life. i was given a voice and the ability to clean things when ocd. otherwise, i'm a jack of all trades, but master of none. guess that goes for everything in life. seeing as how i dealt with 25 pages of text on why i was a c**t for not hanging out with someone when i had no idea there was an internet argument blocking the path to everyone getting along. and suicidal past relationship that are now fat and insulting on a level i can't describe other than arrogant for a man that ranks a 4 at best. and not getting to dallas to say thank you to everyone thanks to the shittyness of them upping my meds and my crying fits.

otherwise, i act out, drink when i'm not supposed to and try to come up with a plan of attack for the next year while figuring out what the FUCK i'm still doing on this stupid planet. why i couldn't even die right. why i had to live thru all this bs. unless god plans on taking a limb, he can't do a damn thing to me now that would hurt more than losing my only son and sunshine. eat that, mr invisible man upstairs that knows all and sees all.. where the fuck were you when my son was suffocating? or when i was being called a whale in middle school or when i was abused as a kid, or any of the assholish things you have put me thru all my stupid life. i see a serious disproportion in how 'god loves to give gifts' as the pamplet said and how life has really been. if the world ends next year, i'm going down, inhaling one of gods own plants, drunk and then plan to ask st peter what the FUCK it was all for. then take my stupid wings and harp and go find some place i can sit and smoke with jesus. we can debate just what we think of mankind in general. i'm pretty sure as a man, he didn't like the world much better than i did. it was his dad's agenda anyways.

i digress. i'm angry. i'm so damn angry. but so empty and lost. i dont trust myself. only that i will wake up so i can realize again my son is gone, as i do every morning and weep, shower, and go about my day trying to figure out where to go from here....what's a 'not-a-mom-anymore' supposed to do? specially when the person i love wants a family ultimately. i risk being alone if i come up with the wrong answer,. and draw it out for a year, as they say not to make any decisions for a year. ....only 4 more months before they can disclose the autopsy and findings...4 months wondering what happened to my baby. its hell on a stick. and i am supposed to learn to deal with this during that time. ya. i hate the justice system, i hate the legal system, i hate the government system and i hate people in general. i'm lucky to have met so many of you that have been there for me. ya'll are the only luck i've ever had. so thank you. now i'm finishing this bottle of wine and trying to black out before dawn.

i miss you marcus. mommy misses you every day, my precious baby boy, i love you.

the time that has no matter Part 2

the original reason for this title was the pure fact, in facing the fact that had been a month without my baby, yet it seems as tho it was last week. time is so warped for me. the days make no difference. i dont know what's really going on around me, i just crunch numbers and somehow keep the bills paid. its hard when we're both in therapy, and for my fiance, he's lost his mother and child in less than a year of one another. we've all had so much shit the last two years, its just wrong.


today i had a very candid convo with my mom. i told her why i was mad at god. that since i was little, he's been kicking me in the face. that i've had my fair share of abuse and pain, why must he heap the holiest of all holies, losing your only son, on me as well? really? the ptsd i already have wasn't enough for him? the years of therapy, the medicines, the 13 years of eczema that made my skin fall off wasn't enough either?

i got asked today when i started displaying the first signs of ptsd. i realized it was when i started cutting at 13. i was a secret cutter from ages 13-21. i wore long sleeve sweaters to hide it. i've promised those that knew i wouldn't do that anymore, but i can't think of anything else that truly pushishes my body like i need to feel. i hurt so much inside, its like i need pain outside to distract me for just the barest of moments. i talked to mo mom about the tattoo i want. the ankh with marcus's initials and birth/death dates across it. the topper to my later full back piece of egytian isis wings.

today was one of the bad days... one of the days where i cry more than not. that i can't stop shaking. that my chest literally hurts like i'm having a heart attack, my throat is choked so i can't breath and all i can see is finding him cold and blue over and over and over. the flashbacks and nightmares are the worst part. they never stop. they've given me every combo of sleeping meds lately, and i've only had one night i didn't dream. only one night i didn't find my baby dead again.

people tell me day by day. it feels like hour by hour, but in one long day...the last two years feel unreal. was it ever real? was i even a mom? i have these stretch marks that were my badge of courage. now they are a reminder that i'm no longer a mom. every time. i found two of his binkies today. i fell apart. i sleep with his blanket still. it still smells just a little bit like him. i cry to sleep every night. or pass out from sheer exhaustion. i've had people tell me to go abck to work, but the general consenses its too early. even by my therapist's standards. i can't stand having to send j to work. he has bad days to where he just has to come home and cry.

i told my mother there had better be a DAMN good purpose for my life on this earth, otherwise i have no reason to like a diety that takes everything i love. everything i ever put my heart into get effed or dies. over and over, that celestial kick to the ribs while i'm down. why? wtf did i do that was so wrong? what could i have done that was horrible that he'd take my baby????? what did i do wrong. i can't understand it. and still the toxocology reports haven't come back. so no answers as to what was wrong. why he's no longer with me. i need answers and all they do is look at me with hollow eyes and tell me i'll get the info soon as its ready. they have my laptop as well, so i've had to turn down 3 possible jobs. we're scraping because what are we supposed to do????

why at a time like this, aren't people taken care of? for god sakes, make a fund to those who've lost children, and 'm sure most mothers of military kids would be members. that's why. they lose their sons for no reason all the time. i lost mine for no reason. i understand their rage. but at least they can be angry with politics or the president or congress.... all i have is myself to blame. i was here. i am his mother...was his mother.. it was my responsibility to take care of him. and he's gone.

the black hole that is my life has come full circle with the loss of my grandfather when i needed him, and now the loss of my son, who defined my world. death has taken everything i love. ill luck has falled everything i've ever tried at. since when was i gods whipping boy? i dont want to be this fucking strong!! i dont want to have to live though this. but he made sure others would keep me here. take away the only thing in this world that has EVER made me happy but not let me follow. sounds like a cruel man. not a benevolent god.

so stop warping my space, my time, my life. all the things that matter are nothing but star dust now. so who cares....

the time that has no matter.

Tonight... today really... its been a month since our sunshine went away.

at 2:30pm today i was on my knees in the yard crying almost hysterically into the ground as J tried to comfort me.

i had thought of a blog i wanted to type up, when j realized what today was. a month ago at 230 i was trying to do cpr on my baby boy. so that's what i'll blog about. the lil man that made all the difference.

Marcus

blonde. blue eyed. sharp as a tack. gentle with the kittens and other kids...its more like i was given a year with a cherub than a child. he made everything but labor easy. i often think he was taken away because i wasn't worthy of him. because his light. his light shone more brightly than any i'd ever seen. i was in so much darkness before he came to us. i never knew how much i could love, how much i could bond with another human being until i went from his kicks in my stomach to his arms around my neck.

mothers. i can't even begin to explain the pain. it chokes my throat, it steals my breath, it tears my heart and something even deeper that just KNOWS he is gone. i feel empty.
Cherish every moment. indulge in every whim. enjoy everything you can. it can be gone so fast. before you even know it.

the only thing that holds me is J and knowing that i would only be passing this pain on to my own loving mother. i can't do it. Our friends, from all states and corners have been the glue to make us stick. but. but.

now i know how much there is to lose. and i dont see myself ever giving that possiblity another chance. my perfectly healthy son went from thriving and teething to cold and blue in the flutter of a nap.


he went without a sound. no murmur to warn me. no cries for help. just silently into the night.


"You would have never known.
What I've done for you.
What you may put me through.
I'd do it for you.
I could have never lived.
If it wasn't for you."

hear that lonesome whiperwhill....

i've never seen a night so long,
when time goes crawling by,
the moon just went behind a cloud
to hide her face and cry.


today was the first day i allowed myself to grieve. truly. with his blanket in my fists, screaming, crying, screaming, crying......tomorrow i see a therapist about all this and my usual hang ups. but i can't sleep. instead i hear this song in my head. combine that with fact that i have nightmares...add ambien, which doesn't work on me apparently. i took this crap at 10. its after 1 and i'm still right awake. effin hell. i have some of the weirdest tolerances to medicine....

i did laundry today. need clothes to pack for trip to tx soon. my days alone are finally over. we got the jeep fixed and i'm back on the road. have to get my license fixed up. small things like a baby on a billboard... i cry buckets. i see a commercial i cry buckets. i see someone with a lil blonde boy and i want to hold them.
i cry.
i cry
i cry
and have milkshakes for dinner.
i went into his room today. and his presence was no longer there. that room is not him. nothing is. nothing ever will be. i can't fix this hole
but at least i started something today. i will talk later about the reading i did.

the worst part is.... mother nature.. that c-word biotch....giving me this stupid instinct which now flounders me....i'm set off step by this life changing crappy catastrophe... i was gothy mommy. now i'm single bitch. nothing more. well unofficially engaged bitch. with no date in site. he was my everything. all i was.


a falling star
lights up a purple sky
and as i wonder where you are
i'm so lonesome i could cry